Favorite Seinfeld Dialogue

[claude]

BOB: So! What's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon?

KRAMER (nervously): No! Never.

BOB: But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon!?

KRAMER: This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't want to wear!

CEDRIC: What are we gonna do with him?

BOB: I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon!

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Yep, and Bob was one of the guys that stole the armoire from Kramer. Very mean thugs, those two............

RAY: Look at this.

BOB: It's an antique.

RAY: It's all hand made and I love the in-lay.

BOB: Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No.

Pick it up from the bottom over there.

KRAMER: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing?

BOB: What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this.

KRAMER: You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine.

BOB: Look, you wanna get hurt?

KRAMER: Huh?

BOB: I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can

hurt you. Now, just back off.

RAY: Bob.

BOB: Just pick it up.

KRAMER: What is this, huh?

BOB: You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding?

We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?

[Gentle Giant]

Wayne Knight as Newman was absolutely brilliant.

NEWMAN: Hello Mrs. Seinfeld

HELEN: (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. (goes to shut the door on him)

NEWMAN: Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks over, grabs a junior mint, smells it then puts it in his pocket)

HELEN: Wonderful, we went to the theater last night.

NEWMAN: Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.

HELEN: Wondering what?

NEWMAN: Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.

HELEN: Well we already saw it.

NEWMAN: Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.

MORTY: (getting up from the table and coming over) Why is that?

NEWMAN: Well he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.

HELEN: I'm afraid I don't.

NEWMAN: Him and his little buxom friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.

MORTY: What?

NEWMAN: What, do I have to spell it out for ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.

HELEN: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?

NEWMAN: Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.

HELEN: Jerry sends his laundry out.

NEWMAN: (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing)






*Newman enters*

Newman: Hey, hey...

Jerry: Hello Newman.

Newman: Hello Jerry. So, any news?

Kramer: Yeah, he skipped out and *ptruut* went to South America!

Newman: South America?! What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?

Elaine: Ok, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.

Kramer: Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.

Elaine: What are you gonna do? You gonna put on a phony beard and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...

Jerry: Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...

Newman: If we put our three heads together we should come up with something.

--------------------------------------------------------

*Jerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab*

Kramer: What's today?

Newman: It's Thursday.

Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday.

Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....

Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...

Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.

Newman: Hey, you know this is kind of fun.

Kramer: Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...

Jerry: Yeah maybe you should.

Kramer: Maybe I will.

Newman: Yeah, me too.

Jerry: All right, what are you gonna say to him?

Kramer: Just gonna find out if he's interested.

Newman: Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?

Jerry: No, you stay in the car.

Newman: Who made you the leader?

Jerry: All right Newman, one more peep out of you and you're out of the whole operation! There he is. He's going to that bar.

Kramer: All right, I'm going in.

Jerry: Be careful Kramer.

Newman: I've should've gone in with him.

Jerry: No, you stay here in the car. I may need you.

Newman: What you need me in the car for?

Jerry: I might need you to get me a soda.

-------------------------------------------------------

*Back in the car with Jerry and Newman.*

Jerry: You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.

Newman: I use dental tape.

Jerry: You should try this.

Newman: I don't wanna.

Jerry: Not even once?

Newman: No.

Jerry: You're an idiot.

Newman: Why, because I use dental tape?

Jerry: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.

[Borat Pri Hagafen]

"The Opposite"

George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria, Hi.

Mr. Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences?
George: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.

Mr. Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past 20 years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!

[Borat Pri Hagafen]

Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.

Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?
Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up phone]

Jerry: I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

George Costanza: What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?
Jerry: You do make good comments.
George Costanza: So?
Jerry: Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.
George Costanza: [pause] Well that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know.

[shrugs]

"I'm back, baby" George after eating some really fresh mango.

[Captain Hate]

George: Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was
cold...

Jerry: Oh... You mean... shrinkage.

George: Yes. Significant shrinkage!

Jerry: So you feel you were short changed.

George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete
misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.

Jerry: Well, so what's the difference?

George: What if she discusses it with Jane?

Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.

George: How do you know?

Jerry: Women aren't like us.

George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about
everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?

Jerry: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think
women know about shrinkage.

George: How do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down
the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?

Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?

George: No.

Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...

Elaine: It shrinks?

Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!

Elaine: Why does it shrink?

George: It just does.

Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

[Gordon B]

"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Yes."
"Then it was trash."
"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
"But it was in the cylinder."
"Above the rim."
"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
"Was it eaten?"
"One little bite."
"Well, that's garbage."
"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."

[Cem]

[George and Tara are in bed. George reaches out for a sandwich]
George: Oohoho...spicy mustard...woohoho, you're hot tonight!
Tara: Oh, George!
George: And now for the trifecta. [Picks up a hand held TV and gets back under the covers.]
Tara: George? George? What are you doing?! [Pulls the covers off. George is eating a sandwich and watching TV.]
George: Pleasuring you?

--------------------------------------------------

[Monk's Cafe. Jerry and George.]
Jerry: So, the free love buffet is over?
George: I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
Jerry: Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo.
[George eats a sandwich and gets flustered.]
Jerry: What's going on?
George: I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush.
Jerry: Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge.
George: I think you're right. You gonna eat that?
Jerry: No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it.

----------------------------------------------------

[Elaine is visiting Vivian.]
Elaine: Vivian...
Vivian: Elaine!
Elaine: Hi! This is my friend George.
Vivian: Hi...
Elaine: I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.
Vivian: Ok.
Elaine whispers to George: You're up.
Vivian: Oh, isn't Elaine fantastic?
George: Yes she is. It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her.
Vivian: Really, why?
George: Oh, you haven't heard, she's going to live with her grandparents in Redding Pennsylvania.
Vivian: Her grandparent passed away five years ago.
George: Yes they did. I was covering. Elaine has been deported back to Scotland.
Vivian: She's American citizen, I have seen her passport.
George: All right, no more lies. Elaine is been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project.
Vivian: I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere.
George: That's because it's underwater.
Vivian: This is insane.
George: Is it?
Vivian: Yes it is.
George: Well, it's all for charity, so what's the difference.
[Oven pings]
Vivian: You...very knowledgeable.
George: Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?
Vivian: Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry?
George: Very.
[They kiss and fall down to the floor.]
Vivian: Oh, wait...[Vivian turns the TV on.] Oohh...
George: Vivian!!

[Scott Dolan]

Next to M*A*S*H* and All In The Family this has to be the greatest sitcom of all time.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Not that there's anything wrong with that..........

[Ron Thorne]

Antonio, you were posting before 6:00AM, my friend.

While I realize that's not something about which you were unaware . . . Damn!

[Gordon B]

JERRY: (sits next to Sidra on the couch) So, where were we?
SIDRA: I was just leaving.
JERRY: Right, you were leaving.
SIDRA: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that!
JERRY: That was an accident!
SIDRA: I think you're both mentally ill. (leaves, then opens the door again.) ......... And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular.

[Gordon B]

DONALD: OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD!

GEORGE: All right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?

DONALD: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.

GEORGE: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.

DONALD: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.

GEORGE: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.

DONALD: IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S NO MOOPS.

GEORGE: It's MOOPS.

DONALD: MOORS.

GEORGE: MOOPS,

DONALD: MOORS!

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Antonio, you were posting before 6:00AM, my friend.

While I realize that's not something about which you were unaware . . . Damn!

Ron, my work day starts at 5:45am. Of course I don't go right to work. I check into JC first........

[rollhead]

You and me make two, Rita.

You, Rita and me make three.

[Gentle Giant]

Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.

Elaine: I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading
from one of his novels.

Jerry: Owen March, I never heard of him.

Elaine: Well, he's not a baseball player.

Jerry: Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good.

Elaine: Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.

Jerry: What's that?

Elaine: He's sixty-six years old.

Rental car agent: Next please.

Elaine: Well, go, go.

Agent: Can I help you? Name please?

Jerry: Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm
kidding around, of course.

Agent: Okay, let's see here.

Jerry: Sixty-six years old?

Elaine: Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd
really like him.

Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?

Elaine: What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman?

Jerry: Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant,
she'd be spinning.

Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.

Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?

Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.

Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the
reservation.

Agent: I know why we have reservations.

Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to
take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and
that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody
can just take them.

Agent: Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.

The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can be seen
speaking with someone.

Jerry: Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there?

Elaine: What?

Jerry: Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.

Elaine: Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm
not really saying anything at all?

Jerry: Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.

Elaine: Okay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.

The agent returns.

Agent: I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.

Jerry: Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there.

Agent: But we do have a compact if you would like that.

Jerry: Fine.

Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you
like insurance?

Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

You, Rita and me make three.

Hey, if you three can't find humor in Jerry Seinfeld wresting a loaf of marble rye bread from the arms of an elderly woman, almost knocking her to the ground in the process, then I just don't know what else to say.............

[Gordon B]

Hey, if you three can't find humor in Jerry Seinfeld wresting a loaf of marble rye bread from the arms of an elderly woman, almost knocking her to the ground in the process, then I just don't know what else to say.............

From that episode, Kramer while steering the hansom cab with George's future in-laws riding...

KRAMER: Of course, uh, this is Central Park. Uh, this was designed in 1850 by

Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern armies

could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On

Rusty!

[Brian Olewnick]

You know, reading some of these transcripts, I get the feeling it's not so much the writing that's not (to me) funny, but more the actors, none of whom I find essentially funny. I mean, I think "Curb" is probably my favorite TV comedy ever and the guy created Seinfeld. There are actors who I'll laugh at almost no matter what they say (Jon Lovitz, for example), but I simply don't find any of the principals here fundamentally funny at all.

Plus it always bugged me how he leaves his apartment door unlocked.

Oh and, plus, I HATE that popped bass segue....

[Scott Dolan]

Love the popped bass segue.

[Scott Dolan]

Hate the Drake.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Unlike Brian, I look at anyone of those four actors and they make me laugh. They don't even have to utter a line. I have the same take on guys like Bill Murray and Harold Ramis. The George Costanza character is my personal favorite and Jason Alexander plays the character to a "T"..........

[Root Doctor]

The George Costanza character is my personal favorite and Jason Alexander plays the character to a "T"..........

The Costanza character is unbelievably loathsome, but it's a tribute to Alexander's skill that George is often so winning, even likable.

[claude]

The only actor that I didn't find funny was Jerry Seinfeld. How can you not find the whole Costanza family funny!!

[Brian Olewnick]

Maybe it has to do with the presence of Jerry Stiller. Ever since I was old enough to breathe, I found Stiller & Meara to be profoundly unfunny. Maybe he infected the show for me.

Allowing the caveat that I've probably only ever seen a dozen or so episodes, the basic structure of the show annoys me a lot. Every scene seems to serve simply as a set-up for a punchline. I find almost no natural dialogue flow the way you do in "Curb", for example. So I just never "believe" the characters; I think of them as vehicles for lines, chop-chop-chop, one after another. It's just not how people talk, too contrived for me. And I despise laugh tracks. Nothing worse than being told what's funny and when to laugh. Feh.

I should say that, long pre-Seinfeld, I found him to be reasonably funny as a stand-up. I have a fond memory about his bit on birds flying into mirrors. "I can understand the bird believing that it was a whole part of the world over there, but wouldn't you think it would try to avoid the other bird flying straight towards it?" As an actor, though, no. I actually feel the same about Alexander's and Louis-Dreyfus' appearances on season two of "Curb"; not too fond of them there.

But I don't mean to cast a cloud over the recollections. Carry on!

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Jerry Stiller is also outstanding. .......

"You want a piece of me?"

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Brian, now that is funny. I didn't see your last post until after my last post.....

[Jon Abbey]

yeah, George's parents are one of the worst things about the show, I can't stand Jerry Stiller either.

it definitely seems odd to me to love Curb Your Enthusiasm and dislike Seinfeld, though. the genius of Seinfeld isn't in this kind of excerpt above for the most part (although the ones Borat found are great), it's in the way the entire show is put together, with punchlines coming 10 or 15 minutes after setups sometimes.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

It's just not how people talk, too contrived for me.

In my experience that hasn't been true. You should hear some of the conversations I have with some of my co-workers. I think I would be very comfortable hanging out with those four knuckleheads........