The Perfect Day

[moneyp]

Warning: This is raunchy, and maybe a wee bit sexist. But it's still hilarious.

The Perfect Day--From two perspectives

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants -
open presents, expensive jewelry.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:30 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer
11:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:30 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice she has gained 17 pounds
1:15 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but
gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
full length mirror
7:00 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
semi-naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her snapper!
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
8:30 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas--nap en-route
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot displaying snappers!
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5.00 Fly home, massage, and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending
over, naturally).
6:45 Shit, Shower and Shave
7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy filet
steak followed by ice-cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Havana cigar in front of wall-size TV as you
watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies...some bending
over)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 A night cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the cat
to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

[Stuckinagroove]

Yeah, probably a little bit sexist, pretty funny though. You probably won't get many arguments from the male perspective. You coulda sprinkled in a few more BJ's in there though...just kidding.

[bostontricky]

7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated

Arguably, anything else on top of this might be considered gravy.

- - - -

Groovemeister - who is that on cowbell? Will Farrell?

[Ron Thorne]

Agreed on all counts, Moné.

Groovemeister - who is that on cowbell? Will Farrell?

I've wondered the same thing. Who is that drummer?

[Stuckinagroove]

Agreed on all counts, Moné.


I've wondered the same thing. Who is that drummer?

Yeah, it's Will Ferell. One of the funnier sketches in recent times for SNL.

[Stuckinagroove]

One other note, the "perfect" day would not start at 6:00 am, try 10. The perfect day would also need to involve Beyonce and Scarlett Johansonn....together.

[john williams]

Very funny and I like the fact both sexes are included. Did you write that yourself Mone, if so congrats?

[mke]

For some reason, the assassination line made me laugh most.

But I'm pretty sure that a lot of women would include more sex in their day.

And as Stuck mentioned, any day that begins at 6AM is far from perfect.

[moneyp]

Very funny and I like the fact both sexes are included. Did you write that yourself Mone, if so congrats?

No, not I. Forwarded from a friend.

Yeah, I agree. No earlier than ten o'clock, Salma Hayek must be prominantly involved, and instead of golf and fishing, I get to go out and score the Stanley Cup winning goal for the Ducks.

But leave the fart in. That's hysterical.

[Tanager]

Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd. Halle Berry, too. And Preity Zinta (Indian actress, never done any US work that I know of).

I'm up for the early AM start - I dig that. Let's see - I win the Olympic marathon (new WR time, of course - sportscasters describe my come-from-behind victory as the most courageous effort in sporting history, entire country in tears with pride), get the BJ/HJ treatment whilst I recover, then go out and discover three new undescribed species of bird, thereby prompting my dissertation committee to waive my defense requirement and award me a doctorate on the spot. Harvard, Cornell, the Smithsonian, and Oxford in a bidding war all afternoon for my services. The universities agree to waive any teaching responsibilities. Chefs flown in to cook Indian (Uttapam and/or Dosa, Batura Channe) for lunch, Italian (Gnocchi ai quattro formaggi, we're still in carb replenishment mode here) for supper. Evening spent on 30' sailboat with a stiff breeze at our backs.

[mke]

"Evening spent on 30' sailboat with a stiff breeze at our backs."

That's a poetic way of putting it.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Those lists (actually, very similar lists) were posted way back on the original JC board. The lists are tre stereotypical but there's definitely more than a grain of truth in them. I think that's what makes them funny. I remember Walto commenting about how anacronistic they sounded. I replied that that's one of the reasons they were funny. Men are such slobs aren't they?.............

[tippy]

The thought of all the bending over makes me feel tired. [Note to self: Move snapper to forehead.]

[stonemonkts]

...struggling with all my might to resist posting a snappy rejoinder. Agh...agh...oh help me, please!

whew. ok

[Gentle Giant]

The thought of all the bending over makes me feel tired. [Note to self: Move snapper to forehead.]

That would certainly help change the perception of many women that when men speak to them they don't look at their faces.


As for the Will Ferrell clip, by all means if you're not familiar with this skit, rush out and buy the Best of Will Ferrell DVD; this skit alone is worth the price. It's a VH-1 flashback to Blue Oyster Cult recording "(Don't Fear) the Reaper." Christopher Walken is the producer who demands, "I need more cowbell!"

Very fucking funny. Almost as enjoyable as three blowjobs a day.

[tippy]

Ah darn. I wanted to hear it, stonemonkts. I too saw this email years ago and think it's pretty funny. The version I saw had less jet setting, but more blow jobs. Still wondering about the frangipani bath oil. I would have selected The Thymes Limited Vetyver bubble bath...those damn people discontinued it about 3 years ago. I'm holding onto my last bottle. Vetyver drives me crazy. It's typically a masculine scent and I adore good versions of it on men, but Thymes had managed a lighter, neutral version and a lotion that I thought was terrific for chicks too. Claus Porto from Portugal makes a decent feminine version, but the finish is a touch pungent and just not as superb as Thymes former stock. ah well...

I know you guys really care about all this. I'm a fiend for good bathing stuff.

[bostontricky]

"Evening spent on 30' sailboat with a stiff breeze at our backs."

That's a poetic way of putting it.

Rather, that's a emphemistic way of putting it, don't you think?

[tippy]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, but I got the feeling that Tanager was genuinely referring to sailing. I'm curious now though. If it wasn't euphemistically poetic, however, then it was definitely Freudian.

[Tanager]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, but I got the feeling that Tanager was genuinely referring to sailing. I'm curious now though. If it wasn't euphemistically poetic, however, then it was definitely Freudian.

tippy's right - I was actually referring to sailing. Sorry to disappoint.

[RBS]

What about my girl Angelina Jolie?

Or the top of the top ten list all time in my book, the love of my life,

Naomi Watts.

And sharing the top ten list, the all-time love of my life,

Kristin Davis.

[Brian Olewnick]

Isn't it a little bizarre that this guy fantasizes about seeing women sporting large fish in places that, somehow, only reveal themselves when the woman is bent over? What an odd idea of perfection.

[tippy]

Ha ha ha. Priceless! On second thought, it's unlikely my neck could support one of those things on my forehead. Maybe I will strap the snapper to my back and alluringly cover it with a delicate voile penoir.

[Gentle Giant]

Isn't it a little bizarre that this guy fantasizes about seeing women sporting large fish in places that, somehow, only reveal themselves when the woman is bent over? What an odd idea of perfection.

Is that a mud shark?

[Slurpy]

I got to step 2 of his day and was LOL......

[mke]

Rather, that's a emphemistic way of putting it, don't you think?

30' is no euphemism.

[MRS]

Saturday. . .when Wimbledon settles in comfortably about 3w in the middle of the pack, rates up to the eighth pole, is shown the whip, and is gamely edged out in the final furlong by Limehouse.

[bostontricky]

Maybe I will strap the snapper to my back and alluringly cover it with a delicate voile penoir.

Euphemistically speaking (or not), I sure as hell hope "penoir" is not a spelling error, Tip.

[Ron Thorne]

Tippy, you're priceless!

[tippy]

Euphemistically speaking (or not), I sure as hell hope "penoir" is not a spelling error, Tip.

Oh good lord. Now that *was* freudian and unintentional on my part. So much for my French, ha ha. Or I guess it's French. Peignoir? I honestly don't know. But aren't we lucky in this day and age to now have a cure (and in mass production) for the delicate voile penoir.

[Enforcer]

This is the single best piece of writing I've ever read. Thanks for sharing it, Moné!

Larry