Zen, driving, and the art of posting on a BBS

[jesus marion joseph]

The following is a somewhat tongue-in-cheek article posted in the "op-ed" section of a VW BBS I hang on. Although the subject is driving, I think it substitutes nicely as a metaphor (is metaphor the word I'm looking for?) for how to peacefully coexist on a BBS with its varied personalities and egos:
_____________________________________________
Der Ölmesser: A Letter To Clifford
April 4, 2005

by: Brad Beardow
Dear Clifford,

You’re only 9-years-old right now, but I know your 16th birthday will be here before we know it. God help us all.

It’s no surprise you’ve already developed a healthy appreciation for all things automotive – look who your dad is – and you’re wise enough to know that if 200-hp is great, then 300-hp surely must be better.

But I am your dad and I worry about you, boy. What do I worry about? Well, I worry most that you’re going to be just as big a dumb-ass as I was at 16, and holy crap, does that thought scare the hell out of me.

Your grandfather – my father – is a great man. When it comes to most of life’s important lessons, he taught me well, but not so much about the finer points of driving an automobile. Sure, he taught me how to work a clutch, threshold brake, even how to counter a spin. Since he was a racecar driver in his younger days, he knows all about the importance of car control. I’m very fortunate to have been paying attention, and as you know, your own dad is a pretty darn good driver (never mind what Mom says). But Clifford, I’ve learned it’s the every day kind of driving that most people take for granted and it’s really the stuff that seems so simple that causes so many problems. My own dad left me to fend for myself when it comes to these things, but I’ve learned some pretty valuable lessons over the years and I’m going to share them with you now. Yes, these words of wisdom may be coming about seven years too soon, but it’s my hope you’ll keep this letter and refer to it over the years. (Let’s hope Mom takes a look as well.)

You should know that my idea of a good driver is one who makes a very conscious effort to make his time behind the wheel of a car affect as few other drivers as possible. Please read that sentence again. This sounds like a simple concept but it’s a sad fact that very few people ever practice it in real life. If your goal is to make sure your actions behind the wheel of your car do not make another driver slow down, speed up, turn, or raise the middle finger of either hand and gesture in your direction (taking even one hand off the steering wheel is dangerous), then you are almost guaranteed to be a good driver.

You’ll be learning the basic rules of the road during time spent in driving school, but I want to also write down a few things you may not hear from any of your instructors. Here are some examples of what I mean:

- Keep right, except to pass. Know it, believe it, live it. Chances are that if someone has to pass you on the right, you’ve not only forced them to alter their course to do it, you’ve made them resort to breaking the law in the process. A driver’s license does not in any way deputize you so that you may help enforce traffic laws. Your job is not to “set straight all those crazy idiot drivers” – your job is to keep right, except to pass.

- When you come to a stoplight on a multi-lane road and you’re first to the light, use the center or left lane if you can. Others may wish to make a right-turn-on-red, and if you’re stopped in the right lane, you’ll make that choice impossible.

- Be aware of cars in all travel lanes around you, especially on a highway. If you’re coming up on a slower car in a lane to your right, and they are gaining on the car directly in front of them, move to your left if possible. If you do not, the car you’re about to pass will have to slow down and wait for you to complete your pass. If you cannot move left, try to speed up so that you can complete your pass before it’s necessary for that other car to begin theirs. Big trucks especially appreciate such courtesies.

- Have you seen a backup on a highway that seems to come from nothing? The kind where all of a sudden traffic clears and you never get to see what caused the backup? Do you know what causes them? Studies show most of these kinds of backups are caused by people using their brakes too hard for situations that do not warrant it, and this causes a chain-reaction of other drivers behind them doing the very same thing till a huge backup has been created. To do your part in helping to avoid such ridiculous occurrences, make sure you keep a safe distance at all times and if the car in front of you hits its brakes, lift off the accelerator first. Even if you’re driving an automatic (unthinkable, but you never know…), at highway speeds, wind, rolling resistance and engine braking will almost instantly slow you down 5 to 10 mph, yet your actions will not freak out the person following behind you. If you find you need to slow even more, or if the rear end of the car in front goes skyward, well, use them brakes, son, that’s what they’re there for.

- Keep an eye on the front wheel of any car or truck along side of you. If it’s going to turn even a small amount, you’ll notice it just a little bit earlier by focusing there, and this could well save your life some day.

- If you’re going to make a pass, make sure your speed is at least the same as anyone’s who might also be gaining on you and the car you’re passing. If you’re uncomfortable with the speed required to do so (not buying that one for a second), simply wait for the faster car to pass before beginning yours. Don’t pass other cars on the highway with your cruise control engaged.

- Merge with confidence. On any given road to which you’re about to enter, do your best to match your vehicle speed to whatever speed the cars in the merge lane are traveling. Driving too fast is certainly dangerous, but so is driving too slowly. And on that note, please keep in mind that during your driver education process you will be constantly bombarded with the reality that careless and aggressive drivers are dangerous to themselves and everyone around them. This is important because it’s true. But I’m here to tell you that arguably just as dangerous is the timid and over-cautious driver. A good driver knows the difference between confidence and cockiness, as well as thoughtfulness and timidity.

- Make sure you learn what the term “gridlock” means, and then make sure I never find out you’ve been doing it. If slow-moving traffic means you cannot completely travel through a given intersection without stopping, even with a green light, then simply wait on the other side until you can. Trust me, the one time you gamble and end up letting your impatience block a bunch of cars from using their green signal to move through an intersection, you’re going to wish you’d waited.

Certainly, son, there are many more tips that I can and will give you as time goes by. It’s your mother’s and my hope that you will pay close attention to what we choose to teach you over time, and please keep in mind driving a car is serious business.

Out in the real world, on real roads, things can get ugly in a hurry, and unlike with your Playstation games, there is no reset button. Reckless driving leaves permanent scars at best, and if you think I’m a huge pain in the butt when it comes to reminding you to wear your helmet and pay attention when you’re riding your bike around our neighborhood, just wait a few years when you get your driver’s license – you ain’t seen nothing yet!

You’re a wonderful kid and I know you’ll continue to make us proud.

Love,

Dad

Awesome!!!


Just fucking awesome!!


This should be required reading for everyone!!!


Great stuff, JMJ!!

[Noj]

1 carlength per 10 mph is the required cushion between cars in order to have time to react and safely stop should the car in front suddenly slow down. There ought to be a sign on the freeway reminding all the tailgating jonesers out here in LA of this simple fact. I'm convinced tailgaters cause most accidents.

"Please exercise the same edicts of polite behavior and patience behind the wheel that you would when engaging people face to face" should be another freeway sign.

I second what Scott said.

[GoodSpeak]

This struck a chord with me...my son turns 15 in three weeks and soon will be taking driving lessons.

[J Lee]

Amen -- I wish more of my vehicular enemies in Buffalo cared enough to follow these principles, speaking equally of the 20-years-old ricers as the Escalade-moms taking up the passing lane at a stately 10 mph over the speed limit.

But a metaphor for a BBS? I don't get it. Not the same game -- no one gets hurt unless one counts feelings as universally important.

Originally Posted by Noj

1 carlength per 10 mph is the required cushion between cars in order to have time to react and safely stop should the car in front suddenly slow down. There ought to be a sign on the freeway reminding all the tailgating jonesers out here in LA of this simple fact. I'm convinced tailgaters cause most accidents.

Yes, I don't take kindly to tailgaters either. I truly believe they should be arrested and their car sent to the crusher.

Although, since moving from Florida I have noticed myself becoming a much calmer and infinitely more patient driver. It's amazing to see the difference in attitude in the drivers here. But it's mostly because there really isn't a great deal of traffic here. I've seen drivers patiently sit through situations here that drivers in Florida would have been honking, cussing, and giving the finger for in a fraction of the time.

Truly amazing stuff. But thankfully their patience is wearing off on me because I used to be far too aggressive behind the wheel.

[clinthopson]

A 16 year old behind the wheel - be afraid, be very afraid.

[GoodSpeak]

Originally Posted by Scott Dolan

Yes, I don't take kindly to tailgaters either. I truly believe they should be arrested and their car sent to the crusher.

Although, since moving from Florida I have noticed myself becoming a much calmer and infinitely more patient driver. It's amazing to see the difference in attitude in the drivers here. But it's mostly because there really isn't a great deal of traffic here. I've seen drivers patiently sit through situations here that drivers in Florida would have been honking, cussing, and giving the finger for in a fraction of the time.

Truly amazing stuff. But thankfully their patience is wearing off on me because I used to be far too aggressive behind the wheel.

Same thing happened to me when I moved to the San Joaquin Valley 23 years ago from OC/LA.

A traffic jam up here is 10 cars waiting for the light to change.

But as soon as I drive down to La La Land or up to the Bay Area, it's almost like culture shock.

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally Posted by J Lee

But a metaphor for a BBS? I don't get it. Not the same game -- no one gets hurt unless one counts feelings as universally important.

I think perhaps "allegory" is the word I meant. Unless it isn't. In that case, it was a word to be determined later.

Allegory?

Nah.

Metaphor.



Or even perhaps cautionary tale.

---

NEW CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S TEST:

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard.



This is a new Exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special Application and driver's test solely for the California area.



2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION



Name: ___________________ Stage Name:__________________



Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________



Therapist's Name: _________________



Sex:

[ ] Male

[ ] Female*

[ ] Formerly Male

[ ] Formerly Female

[ ] Both



*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______



Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?

[ ] Yes

[ ] No



Please list brand of cell phone: ________.



If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:

________________________________________ _______ (Use extra pages, if

necessary)





Please check hair color:

Females:

[ ] Blonde

[ ] Platinum Blonde

Teenagers:

[ ] Red

[ ] Orange

[ ] Green

[ ] Purple

[ ] Blue

[ ] Skinhead

[ ] Other ___________



Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that

apply)

[ ] Eating

[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee

[ ] Applying make-up

[ ] Shaving (male or female)

[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)

[ ] Lifting weights

[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat

[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

[ ] Tanning

[ ] Snorting cocaine

[ ] Watching TV

[ ] Reading Variety

[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading



Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:

[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___

[ ] b) Be shot at ___



If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:

[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.

[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your

car on the news in a high- speed chase.

[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular

phone company for your 911 call not going through.

[ ] d) Call your therapist.



In the event of an earthquake, you should:

[ ] a) Stop your car.

[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.

[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.

[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.



In the instance of rain, you should:

[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.

[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.

[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.



Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________



Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

[ ] a) Prozac

[ ] b) Zovirax

[ ] c) Lithium

[ ] d) Zanax

[ ] e) Valium

[ ] f) Medical pot

[ ] g) Zoloft

[ ] h) All of the above

[ ] i) None of the above*



* If none, please explain: __________________.



Length of daily commute:

[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*

[ ] b) 1 hour

[ ] c) 2 hours

[ ] d) 3 hours

[ ] e) 4 hours or more



* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.



When stopped by police, you should:

[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.

[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.

[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.



When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:

[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.

[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.

[ ] c) She is drying her nails.



Which part of your car will wear out first?

[ ] a) The wiper blades

[ ] b) The seat belts

[ ] c) The horn



Automatic door locks are good for:

[ ] a) Security

[ ] b) Convenience

[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.



The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:

[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads

[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way

[ ] c) Revenge



If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.