2004 Darwin Awards

[Coda]

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious
winners.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during
a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef
s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the >counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The
whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able
to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.



A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.




Let's hear more!

[moneyp]

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Brilliant!

[Gentle Giant]

I lover the Darwin awards, although I fear it's only a matter of time before I make the list.

[Dr Dave]

The James Elliot story is yet another reason why I should never be allowed near a handgun.

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

I thought you had to be removed from the gene pool to win a Darwin Award? Are these official?


Anyways, I like my early entry from last year, better than any of these:



Darwin Awards 2004 -- The Breakthrough Year!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the first time in the illustrious history of the Darwin Awards, this year's top prize goes to somebody who did not die.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°


From the Orlando Sentinel:

Based on a bet by* the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in* a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and* dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies up'd the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately* passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez,the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher* off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was* the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during* the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball* washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled* between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

* the earlier Darwin Awards Thread

Hey steve, what's with all the asterisks in some of your posts?


I read through them and expect to see a boatload of footnotes at the end.

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

Scott: those asterisks are invisible when I copy and paste them, but they show up when they're posted. I think it's a spacing thing, but I'm not sure. One of the techies might know. If it's on the We Shall Not Cease From Exploration thread, I clean them up (happens a lot there: Bartelby's and some of the other resources use them a lot); but on most posts, I let them slide.

[claude]

28 November 2004, Washington | We have a new Darwin winner, with the recent demise of a man at the hands of his lava lamp. "Why on Earth he heated a lava lamp on the stove, we don't know," said baffled police.

No drug or alcohol evidence was found; Philip Quinn, 24, in his right mind, placed a lava lamp on his kitchen burner and turned up the flame. In due course, he rediscovered this favorite explosive generator of deadly shrapnel. He was found dead in his Kent trailer home, a shard of glass through his heart.

References: KiroTV, CNN, etc. Submitted by: Chris Kelly, Lightbringer, Grant Stalder, Donna Johnsen, Fukumi, Ryan Odom, Gloria, Aaron, Julie Derakis, Wayne Watkins, Cole Wybo, Lynn Shulak, Grant Stewart, & Adam.

[Gary Sisco]

Thank goodness. I mean, if he hasn't reproduced, yet.