screwed up sayings

[claude]

or mixed metaphors, I'm not sure what the correct title would be. Anyway, got these from the dogbert newsletter, great stuff:

"There's more than one way to cut the cheese."

"I know these streets like the back of my head."

"When push comes to shove, that's when the dollar meets the road."

"Tomorrow at this time…it will be Wednesday."

"I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate."

"The smell of indifference was deafening."

"Oh, that will be a cake in the woods."

"She'll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit."

"He's living off the fat of my sweat!"

"I heard that out of the corner of my eye."

"Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile."

"I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it."

"It's like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room."

"I don't mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools."

"I got under your goat."

"You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."

"When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."

"Is it hot in me or what?"

"Don't you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?"

"It's like watching paint grow."

"The winds of change aren't what they used to be."

"The system is humming like a clam."

"You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him."

"Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest."

"Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth."

"Not to toot my own horse, but......"

"We do things by the pants of our ass!"

[graypencil]

I love non sequitirs and malaprops!

If you can locate the small book about Dallas bandleader Durwood Klein, get it ..Durwood was a master of the non sequitir and was famous throughout the south for his quips. Doc Severinsesn used to used some of them on the Tonight show ..

samples:

( when lost on the way to a gig, Durwood stops and asks )

" Is this the road were on ? "

( Durwood complaining about how slow work has been )

" I can't book nothing , except those three, for, five piece trio jobs "

you get the idea ..I wish I could recall the name of the book ..I will do some research ..

"I got under your goat."

"You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."

"When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."

"Is it hot in me or what?"

These four grouped together create a somewhat disturbing mental picture.

Hey Grayp, that reminds me of a buddy of mine who loved to tell the story of when he was at this huge flea market in NY with some relatives one day.


One of the pack, who had what I guess would be called an old Jewish/Yiddish(?) accent(he pronounced walking as "walkink"), you know, Jakie Mason-like.

He ended up getting seperated from the rest of them accidently while perusing the wares. So when he finally catches back up with everyone, he tells my buddy "I was walkink, I was walkink, I was walkink, and then I turned around and there you were, gone!!!"

[Slurpy]

I like this one from Dubya:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

[claude]

Originally Posted by Scott Dolan

He ended up getting seperated from the rest of them accidently while perusing the wares. So when he finally catches back up with everyone, he tells my buddy "I was walkink, I was walkink, I was walkink, and then I turned around and there you were, gone!!!"

Reminds me of my grandmother saying "one day I'll wake up dead".

[Enforcer]

"I eat pieces of sh** like you for breakfast." -"Shooter" McGavin

[claude]

Originally Posted by Slurpy

I like this one from Dubya:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

There's an idea for a book! A compilation of Dubya speech fuckups, ther must be thousands..

Only somewhat related. I was at a dinner a couple of weeks ago and the speaker was the leader of one of the political parties up here. He stated that "of three thousand graduates from NB universities, 1000 leave the province and 1000 stay". I was waiting to see where the other 1000 went but he never did say.

[Chris D]

Originally Posted by claude

There's an idea for a book! A compilation of Dubya speech fuckups, ther must be thousands..

There are several volumes of these "Bushisms" already in print.

[claude]

Originally Posted by Chris D

There are several volumes of these "Bushisms" already in print.

Shoulda known, guess I'm a little behind the times.

[graypencil]

Originally Posted by Slurpy

I like this one from Dubya:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

I was always fond of:

"make the pie higher"


among many many others ..

[Douglas]

One I came across today - "in one swell foop"

[graypencil]

Originally Posted by Scott Dolan

Hey Grayp, that reminds me of a buddy of mine who loved to tell the story of when he was at this huge flea market in NY with some relatives one day.


One of the pack, who had what I guess would be called an old Jewish/Yiddish(?) accent(he pronounced walking as "walkink"), you know, Jakie Mason-like.

He ended up getting seperated from the rest of them accidently while perusing the wares. So when he finally catches back up with everyone, he tells my buddy "I was walkink, I was walkink, I was walkink, and then I turned around and there you were, gone!!!"

Scott:


somewhat off topic, but it reminded me of this joke I got the other day:

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "Dere ..ya see? DOT's de vay you vave da towel!! "
*

Hahahahaha..............

[Dennis Gonzalez]

I had a dumb principal once (OK, more than once), but the one I'm thinking of used expressions to try to explain his philosophy of education to us during faculty meetings. One day he was talking about how much we baby our kids to make them learn and he stated, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't beat that horse to death with a stick!". One of our young smartass teachers raised his hand and answered the principal: "I have an uncle who would beat that horse to death with a stick!" Of course the principal didn't know what to say, and so he dismissed us early.

One other time, he was talking about making inroads into the educational hierarchy and he posited, "You have to have your foot in the door...and out the door." All of us left the meeting singing "Put your little foot, put your little foot..."

My mom used to send me to the little store across the highway in my small hometown of Mercedes, Texas, 6 miles from the Mexican border. Before I got on my bike to buy bread or eggs or something, she would tell me, in Spanish, "Be very careful. And if you get killed by a car, I'll spank you so hard you won't be able to walk for a week!".

[Lenny D.Guitarist]

Mr. Gonzalez.. you can lead a horse to drink, but you can't make him water.

People in glass houses shouldn't walk around naked.

Nice guys finish lunch.

[patricia]

I remember being in a conversation about someone who had made some bad investments. We all knew that he was less than knowledgeable about such things and was barely getting by.
So I said, "He doesn't even have a window to throw pee out of", and then saw everyone looking at me, puzzled.

The very common saying, "He doesn't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out" was what I meant to say. Maybe it was the three glasses of very nice wine I'd had to that point.

"He doesn't even have a window to throw pee out of"

Hahahaha..............

But you know, the thing I've always thought about the actual saying is that if you've got a pot and a window, why not just save yourself some time and piss out the window?

[Dr Dave]

Where did I hear this? "In one ear and gone tomorrow."

[Lenny D.Guitarist]

Let he without sin cast the first die.

The wages of sin are tax free.

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by Scott Dolan

The wages of sin are tax free.

That's because sin is an all-cash business.

[HenryMc]

"The system is humming like a clam."

sounds like a line from a Jim Morrison song

as in

Riders on the storm

Riders on the storm
Riders on the storm
Into this house we're born
Into this world we're thrown
Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan
The system is humming like a clam
There's a killer on the road
His brain is squirmin' like a toad
Take a long holiday
Let your children play
If you give this man a ride
Sweet family will die
Killer on the road, yeah

[Dennis Gonzalez]

Originally Posted by Scott Dolan

Hahahaha..............

But you know, the thing I've always thought about the actual saying is that if you've got a pot and a window, why not just save yourself some time and piss out the window?

Boy do I have a story about that one. A true story, involving me...in college.

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

Originally Posted by Dennis Gonzalez

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't beat that horse to death with a stick!".

At the Algonquin's Round Table, Dorothy Parker was once challenged to come up with sentence using the word "horticulture" and offered, "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

Originally Posted by Dennis Gonzalez

Boy do I have a story about that one. A true story, involving me...in college.

Dennis, we're all ears, brother!!!

[patricia]

Originally Posted by Squaredancecalling Steve

At the Algonquin's Round Table, Dorothy Parker was once challenged to come up with sentence using the word "horticulture" and offered, "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

Ah yes, Dorothy Parker. It got so that she was expected to come up with a fistful of clever bon mots at every Algonquin Breakfast. The pressure on her must have been excruciating. I adore her writing, but she was a woman constantly under pressure to entertain, with her dry wit and I always thought that she couldn't possibly be always making off-the-cuff remarks.
However, I've always loved her comment about a popular actress of the time, which was "She runs the entire gamut of emotions.........from "A" to "B".


Dennis, good point. But, millions of people would be stuck for a good analogy if that were to happen.

[RainyDay]

My favorite is "make the pie higher." When something would go wrong at work, we would say this and then fall on the floor laughing. Makes me laugh now. What an idiot.

Here's a poem I pulled from http://www.snopes.com/politics/bush/piehigher.asp that compiles Bush's malapropisms:

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

[RainyDay]

Originally Posted by Dennis Gonzalez

Boy do I have a story about that one. A true story, involving me...in college.

C'mon, already!

[RainyDay]

Originally Posted by Dennis Gonzalez
Boy do I have a story about that one. A true story, involving me...in college.

Originally Posted by RainyDay

C'mon, already!

I'm still waiting...