Re: Farm News

[jesus marion joseph]

I have friends who have joined the Coonamessett Farm in Falmouth. Membership allows them to go pick fresh fruits, veggies and flowers, attend workshops and pet the farm animals, assuming they're in the mood to be petted. They receive a periodic newsletter via email, which they forward to me. Farmor Ron, who runs the joint, is a pretty funny motherf***er (the asterisks are for Henry Mc). Herewith is the latest edition, received by me today:

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Hi everyone,

The main purpose of this email is to push the Sushi Workshop coming up this Sunday. However, I feel it is too crass to begin one of my newsletters with an outright commercial declaration. In keeping with the Farm's "Think Globally, Act Locally" philosophy I thought we should start out with a discussion of one of the world's most pressing environmental issues.
That is, giant waves
hitting cruise ships, especially ships full of New Yorkers. This of course came as no surprise to me; the ship was in the Bermuda Triangle (more technically referred to as the "Devil's Triangle"). This incident probably occurred because there have been no recent made-for-TV movies on this important subject thus the Captain forgot the risk he (or
she) was taking. As a
former vessel captain, and cruise afficionado (having hit all 12 bars on the M/V Coral Princess within 36 hours of boarding thus I don't recall the port stops though they did speak Spanish I believe), I have to call for government regulation of freak waves.

Now before I get to push the Sushi Workshop I do want to inform our members on the results of a recent British study published in the journal Food Policy. The study found that buying locally grown food is more earth-friendly than buying organic. The key is transportation. The study found that if food has to travel more than 12 miles, that is right, 12 miles, it can cause more environmental harm than being grown locally with non-organic methods. The study concluded that the UK could save $4 billion annually in environmental and traffic costs if all food was grown locally and an additional $2 billion if it was grown locally and organic. In the US, our food travels an average of 1200 miles to be consumed. In 2004 the US for the first time in modern history became a net importer of food.

I am getting inundated with all sorts of food facts due to growing concerns about food security; something our well-fed urban population has not worried about in generations. Besides the global environmental issues related to food transport, there is the whole issue of beneficial foods. We know that lycopene in tomatoes and antioxidants in blueberries are most available in vine ripened fruits soon after harvest; an advantage of local grown. These foods are now called nutraceuticals and functional foods in food magazines. In the more scientific literature, the plant based nutrients are called phytonutrients and bioactive food components.

My head is filling up with these info-bits and I know there is a marketing angle somewhere if I could only focus. Maybe I can't focus, but fortuitous for us our government can and does. Inspite of issues such as Iraq, high oil prices, freak waves, and high CEO salaries, the government has time to re-design the food pyramid. This could not have happened at a better time as I was getting tired climbing to the top of the old pyramid to get my ice cream. Of course, under the new guidelines my pyramid looks more like an obelisk constructed of grain, oil, fruit, and milk; the consequence of my blueberry scone diet.

Where was I; the Sushi Workshop. It will be on Sunday. Please call ahead if you plan on coming. You can show up anytime between 12 and 3. The cost is $14.95 per person. We will train you on how to make sushi rolls using fresh and pickled vegetables and smoked fish. You will get to make two whole rolls to eat or take home. You will also receive a sushi making kit, a nice hot pot of tea, and a 20% discount on sushi ingredients. So take a peaceful break from your hectic life and join us for a relaxing Sunday afternoon sipping tea and eating bioactive food. Saki will also be available as a free token of my appreciation.

We also still have Junior Farmer buttons and certificates available if your kids missed our Junior Farmer Day. Ask about participating when you visit the farm. The kids have to pass our exam by answering questions with information provided on posters throughout the farm. One of the first tasks we want to assign to our Junior Farmers is brushing the donkeys. We have a minimum height requirement for this task, the Junior Farmer has to at least be as tall as the donkeys butt; a requirement similar to that tested by those signs at Disney to ride the roller coasters. For our smaller Junior Farmers, they can hold the new chicks we have up in the greenhouse to get the chicks accustomed to handling.

While we are on the subject of posters, you will see more signs stressing hand-washing. We are going to see more and more hand-washing stations throughout our society to reduce the threat of disease transmission. This will prove to be very interesting because similar to the cruise ships, you may be required to wash your hands before being able to purchase fast food.

Regarding landscape work. Our full crew is back and we are ready to take on landscaping requests. We charge $30 per man-hour and the person to talk to is Wray. We also have our perennial herbs and flowers available and this is a good time to get them into the ground. If you want to learn more about planting and using herbs consider signing up for our Herb Workshop in May.

So what did we learn in this newsletter: We learned that Coonamessett Farm is a full service farm providing nutritional food, children and adult education, landscaping services, a guy named Wray, and plants; all which can be wiped out by a freak wave, the ultimate hand-washing experience!
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FWIW, I like Farmer Ron's food pyramid!

[Dr Dave]

Let's see, 12 miles from Times Square is...Kearny, New Jersey! So we put the farm to feed everybody on the island of Manhattan in Kearny. Hmmmm.
I think that area is called "The Meadowlands" but it's a little too soggy for amber waves of grain...

[clinthopson]

Say hello to Jimmy Hoffa while you're in the neighborhood.

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally Posted by Dr Dave

Let's see, 12 miles from Times Square is...Kearny, New Jersey! So we put the farm to feed everybody on the island of Manhattan in Kearny. Hmmmm.
I think that area is called "The Meadowlands" but it's a little too soggy for amber waves of grain...

Drain the bi**h and plant fu**ing (asterisks for Henry Mc) tomatoes!!

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by jesus marion joseph

Drain the bi**h and plant fu**ing (asterisks for Henry Mc) tomatoes!!

I'm sure it will work out, as long as the market price of tomatoes exceeds $24 a pound.

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally Posted by Dr Dave

I'm sure it will work out, as long as the market price of tomatoes exceeds $24 a pound.

All you have to do is call them "Meadowlands Massives" and sell them at Whole Foods stores, and you'll be all set.

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by jesus marion joseph

All you have to do is call them "Meadowlands Massives" and sell them at Whole Foods stores, and you'll be all set.

Ah, the genius of Marketing. Where would we be without it?

[jesus marion joseph]

Note the reference to exploding frogs in the latest edition:

________________________________

Subject: Farm News

Hi Everyone,

Items covered in this issue of the Newsletter:

Store Hours
Corporate Shakeup
Mother's Day Tea
Café name
Herbal Workshop
Exploding frogs
Crops available for harvest
Plant of the week special (ever-bearing strawberry)


Just a quick reminder; it's May. This means that besides having very hot weather (in Tucson) the Farm is now open seven days a week, or in today's parlance, 8/7. When, and if, the nice weather hits we hope you can grab some friends at work and head over here to have lunch on our beautiful porch overlooking the luscious green fields ( A much nicer view than the Formica walls at the sandwich shop or the screen saver at your desk). Look at our menu online at our website and call ahead your order so it will be ready when you arrive.

There will be some major changes here at the farm in the corporate board room. I just read an article on how CEO's make 300 times more money than their companies lowest paid employees.
This is a scandal that must be addressed and I have taken action to do so at the farm. I have changed my title from President to CEO. However, please feel free to still call me "Boss". Of course, this might not address the problem here at the farm since I am the lowest paid employee and 300 times zero is still zero.

For those of you that missed our recent special events including our Earth Day Celebration (compost worm race), Administrative Assistant Appreciation Day (a free #2 pencil to the first three people to admit they were AA's), and Arbor Day Festival (our 17th annual 2 x 4 carving
contest) we beg you not to miss our Mother's Day Tea. If you bring your mother, mother-in-law, mom, mommy, your mother's CEO, someone else's mother, or someone dressed as a mother to our café on Sunday (This week's café name: Jamaican Me Hungry) and treat her/him to our special Tea they will receive a lovely flowering Proven Winner plant. We will also have supplies available for your kids, or dad, to decorate the plant. In addition, there will be 20% off our flowering annual baskets and patio planters for mom; the best deal of the season yet.


We were going to have another naming contest (you remember the past
contests: name the baby
alpaca, name the ice cream stand, name the parking lot, etc) for the café, however, staff alone came up with too many good choices so we have decided just to keep changing the name every few weeks. This month's names so far have been "Trowel and Error", "Happy Hoe", "Vittles and Vermin", and "Alpaca-U-A-Lunch". Members are welcome to submit café names and we will grace our signboard with your name and choice such as "Susan's Spade and Spoon Café". The new CEO has decided that your prize, other than fame, will be something low value, like a day old pastry, in order to avoid your having tax liability issues.

The Herbal Workshop is the next major event that is well worth attending.
The Workshop will be
held on Saturday, May 14th from 10 am to 2 pm. Upon arrival you will be instructed on how to harvest your own blend of herbs for a custom tea that you will enjoy with a lemon verbena glazed scone. After tea there will be a tour of the farm's fields and greenhouses with an informative talk about propagation, planting and care of herb plants. We will then return to the café for an herbal luncheon including a rap given by the chef about the culinary uses of herbs and edible flowers.
Lastly you will enjoy working with fragrant herbs and flowers crafting your own wreath. This entire affair will only cost members $35.00 and non-members $40.00. If you have any interest in herbs we suggest you put together a group of friends and sign-up for this workshop ASAP.

We have decided the subject of exploding frogs is too gross to discuss in this Newsletter. We suggest that you can fulfill your morbid curiosity by doing an online search of this breaking issue.
Just Google on "exploding frogs" for the fine details. In the meantime our think tank over in the sheep barn is looking at the possibility of an exploding frog event for Father's Day and we have begun to write some research proposals as we have some experience in this regard (Read our recent paper "The impact of feeding Pop Rocks candy to birds endemic to Cape Cod farm fields"
1999. Journal of Candy Science p 2307-2309 .)

Crops available for harvest: The lettuce and greens are improving everyday; they love this weather. You can make a great salad mix with what is now available in the greenhouse and field.
We also have some great broccoli raab in the field which I prefer as a cold salad ingredient. We are producing a good supply of yellow gold nugget cherry tomatoes which we are picking and have down at the farm store for sale.

Plant of the Week: We have some extra day neutral or ever-bearing strawberry plants. These have been potted up individually and are now available for $0.99 each. These are the plants that you want to use in any strawberry planter as they provide a summer long harvest for all to enjoy; all includes birds, squirrels, and chipmunks.

[jesus marion joseph]

Hi Folks,

Summer is here and the living is easy.

Main story: Coonamessett Farm Needs Volunteers based on the results of a recent survey.

I have been wandering around the farm surveying members (hopefully they are
members) to find
out how we can better serve the needs of our membership. While the idea of cocktail waitresses in the fields has some merit, the addition of slot machines between rows of crops may be pushing the envelope. I mean, are we going to replace three cherries in a row with squash! Anyway, it will have to wait until the Coonamessetts get recognized by the Federal Government as a Tribe (I'm still finishing the paperwork). Note: Do not interview people recently returning from Mohegan Sun.

While the suggestion for planting the crops in the woods would make picking a little cooler, it may cut into production just a little. Sometimes we have to recognize and operate under the Laws of Nature; unlike the House Energy Committee. Hiding Crackerjack type prizes in the berry bushes is also fraught with difficulties as we are still finding our Easter eggs filled with melted jelly beans which may result into some future plume. Also, anyone coming up with a better greeting than "Hot enough for you?" will receive a free Nigel Buck. Speaking of Nigel, just another reminder that the mugs (Made in China) and bags (Made in Pakistan) have arrived. The pocket knives have not shown up; probably due to tougher child labor laws in Uzbekistan and a growing demand from the Tribal Areas. This may be the last time I will offer weaponry as a sign- up gift.

The overwhelming suggestion for improvement has been, and still remains, the provision of information on what, where and how to pick crops. Signage helps but is still no substitute for people on the ground providing assistance. I became acutely aware of this fact standing in the middle of a Home Depot store trying to figure out what aisle I would find work gloves (Made in
Bangladesh) Hint: Its not tools. Some people say that when I write that I lose track of my thought sometimes never getting to the point, and they are right. Normally these people are reviewers of my research proposals, but this probably holds true for my newsletters as well. Anyway, I have come up with a solution to the picking assistance problem; the Coonamessett Farm Volunteer Corps.

Here is the idea. We would have a group of volunteers that we train to know where everything is located, what is ready to pick, and how to pick. There would be one of these volunteers on duty all the time. We would give then a hat and tee shirt so they can be readily identified. Maybe even a tag that says "Associate", or a beany propeller (Made in Mexico), or whatever. As an incentive we would provide the volunteer with lunch on their duty day which may run from 9 Am to 3 PM.
We would not expect the volunteer to weed so they can be senior citizens.
However, if they want
to demonstrate that they still have what it takes; weeding would not be frowned upon.

Anyhow, I got this idea of a Volunteer Corps last Saturday when Roxy and I went to see the USCG Swabs (future 4th class cadets of which Josh is a member) have a flag ceremony at Mystic Seaport. I've been there before and noticed that they still have the same old boats on display. It's a little scary when a museum is restoring a fishing boat (Made in Maine) of the generation that I sailed. The Seaport is almost totally dependent on volunteers and they were very helpful in responding to questions such as where are the restrooms, how old is this boat, should I invest in oil stocks (the guy was a retired broker; I had to ask), and when is Jamaican Night (trick question). At any rate, Josh is doing real well and probably won't be back to pick weeds or fix the slushy machine anytime soon.

If you are interested in volunteering please let me know by email or phone (Made in Romania).

Also, for early news about an upcoming special event click or paste the following link:

http://www.coonamessettfarm.com/id60.html





Coonamessett Farms http://www.coonamessettfarm.com
276 Hatchville Rd. Hatchville, MA 02536
508-563-2560 FAX 508-564-5073