The Collaborative JC novel--Part I

walto · August-15th-2005, 09:07 PM

Hector was worried. Making ice cream didn't seem to bother him much today, and, well, that worried him. The club was still a good three hours off, and usually at this time of day he'd be about ready to kill himself, but somehow, today was different.

He broke into song:

"Could be....Who knows...It's only just out of reach..."

Lenny D.Guitarist · August-15th-2005, 09:31 PM

The gaiety of song was jolted by the odd ring tone which Hector's ex had somehow cajoled him into programming on the T-Mobile cell phone... specifically, Billy Vera and the Beaters' only hit "At This Moment". Hector answered the phone with his customary insouciance. It was Meredith Vieira, the innocuous hostess of the television show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?". Insipidly as always, but with a perkiness that never failed to annoy Hector, Vieira informed Hector that he was the "phone a friend" lifeline
for his old college roommate, Ken Riccini, who needed his help with the question "Which mineral is second only to the diamond on the Moh's hardness scale?" Hector's only choices were, because of the 50/50 option utilized previously by Riccini, "quartz" or "corundum". Hector knew the correct response, cornundum, but could not utter said response because....

Mike Schwartz · August-15th-2005, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lenny D.Guitarist

The gaiety of song was jolted by the odd ring tone which Hector's ex had somehow cajoled him into programming on the T-Mobile cell phone... specifically, Billy Vera and the Beaters' only hit "At This Moment". Hector answered the phone with his customary insouciance. It was Meredith Vieira, the innocuous hostess of the television show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?". Insipidly as always, but with a perkiness that never failed to annoy Hector, Vieira informed Hector that he was the "phone a friend" lifeline
for his old college roommate, Ken Riccini, who needed his help with the question "Which mineral is second only to the diamond on the Moh's hardness scale?" Hector's only choices were, because of the 50/50 option utilized previously by Riccini, "quartz" or "corundum". Hector knew the correct response, cornundum, but could not utter said response because....

Hector was concentrating on Viera's voice, which on one hand certainly annoyed him, but suddenly he thought that she was REALLY cute as he watched this episode while on the phone with her. This promted another hardness scale to take over his thought process all together,while the seconds ticked away, and right about the time he gathered his thoughts........

patricia · August-16th-2005, 12:10 AM

...Meredith chirped, "Sorry, the time is up". Hector felt terrible that he had let down his buddy, especially since he knew the answer. Why oh why did bad fortune constantly follow him, like a bad smell?

Hector was despondent. The one time that he could have helped, he dropped the ball. He poured himself three fingers of Scotch and waited.
Sure enough, about an hour later, the phone rang.
It was, predictably his childhood friend, who was furious.

August-16th-2005, 07:23 AM

... he pulled down his pants, grabbed the phone and called ...

Lenny D.Guitarist · August-16th-2005, 07:27 AM

Kathi Lee Gifford, knowing that today was her birthday. (Your humble narrator provides verification here.. www.deadoraliveinfo.com)
Oddly enough, this day is Frank Gifford's birthdate too. Hector wondered what diabolical forces coverged to produce such an improbability....

patricia · August-16th-2005, 10:32 AM

but dismissed the coincidence, since he was due at work in twenty minutes at the ice cream shop. The Giffords didn't concern him directly.
He despaired that he had been reduced to such menial work, but the rent had to be paid. There is honour in all manner of endeavor, Hector reminded himself. He was an artist in the shop and an artist in his soul. There was still his evenings at the club to save him from losing his mind.
As long as he breathed, there was still a chance that.......

Pete C · August-16th-2005, 10:58 AM

he could be circumcised.

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 11:03 AM

He had thought long and hard about it and decided that if he was to be circumcised now as an adult, the use of any sort of anesthesia would be fundamentally contrary to the sacred vow he had made to keep his body pure of any outside pollutants or mind altering substances. Purity of Essence were his watchwords!

Pete C · August-16th-2005, 11:14 AM

But "long and hard" was his motto.

walto · August-16th-2005, 11:15 AM

But a pre-soak in a lemon Italian Ice seemed OK. Would the--what did they call them, the shlemoyl?--allow this?

Pete C · August-16th-2005, 11:20 AM

"No, no, too sticky," declared the schlemohel.

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 11:24 AM

Hector held the three fingers of Scotch in the air and then tossed it to the ground with contempt. He would not succumb, he would not pollute his precious bodily fluids with any foreign substances, even if the American neo-cons had a sinister plot to infilitrate our water system with their insidious poison of choice, which is....

Pete C · August-16th-2005, 11:25 AM

religion.

walto · August-16th-2005, 11:32 AM

It seemed highly improbable--impossible even--but Hector was quite right. The Heritage Institute, in conjunction with Dow Chemical had somehow figured out a way to "enhance" the need for a "father/mother figure in the sky" through an additive to the water supply. Made largely of aspertame it was inert most of the time, but became active when various news programs were broadcast on television or radio. The inventor, Alan Bloom's brother McTorbert, hoped a Nobel might come his way for this brainchild...

patricia · August-16th-2005, 11:35 AM

which would benefit all mankind, now and in the future.

However, illogical adherance to any faith was contrary to the free spirit Hector's soul had become. Since he had discovered that he had the gift of music, specifically the ability to draw from secret places in him the magic of.....

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 12:04 PM

atoms, which are really vibrations which are extensions of the big note, everything's one note. Everything, even the ponies. The note, however, is the ultimate power, but see, the pigs don't know that, the ponies don't know that, right? You mean just we know that? Right. Merry Go Round! Merry Go Round! Do-Do-Do-Do, Do-Do-Do-Do and they call that doing their thing. Oh yeah, that's what doing their thing is. The thing is to put a motor in yourself.
Hector had always loved that portion of Zappa's Lumpy Gravy and had heard it thousands of times. Everything's one note. That's absolutely true, thought Hector, and he knew instinctively how to tap into it on a subatomic level, with the aid of.....

walto · August-16th-2005, 12:07 PM

pez dispensers. Especially the ones with cowboy hats. You could really dig down deep if you knew how to handle their...

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 12:19 PM

spring loaded mechanism. Boy, it could really be hard sometimes to load the Pez candy in there. Sometimes you'd get one that must have been made just slightly defectively and then you could spend hours trying to pull it back and slide the candy in without getting your finger caught in there. That hurt! Suddenly Hector thought to himself, would a circumcism withouth anesthesia hurt even more than that? Best to think instead about.....

Brian Olewnick · August-16th-2005, 12:33 PM

Corey Feldman...

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 01:22 PM

and Corey Flintoff of NPR. The name Corey had always held a peculiar fascination for Hector. He wished that he had been named Corey. Corey.... Corey....Corey. The mystique of the name was hypnotic. Cor-eee....Cor-eee...Cor-eee...Cor-eee...he could think about it all day. He could hear the voice of Miss Landers on Leave It To Beaver saying the name in her sweet yet strangely authoritative style: Corey.....Corey......Corey. Miss Landers should have had a series of her own. She should have been a superstar in motion pictures. Why is talent rewarded so seldomly? The school principal on Leave It To Beaver, now maybe she should not have had her own series. Why am I, Hector, not one of the most wealthy, famous, critically acclaimed musicians on the planet? Why.....

walto · August-16th-2005, 01:44 PM

is my last name not Corey? Why would Landers never go out with me? And why would Ann Landers never even print any of my hundreds of letters?

Thinking "I need a chocolate cigarette, bad" Hector dragged himself up and headed for Cold Stuff, the homemade ice cream place that had been his main source of funds for years. With the thought of that choco filter dancing in his head, as he took a shortcut down 12th, he tripped over a...

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 02:03 PM

used CD copy of Wynton Marsalis' Hot House Flowers. Hmmm, is the rightful owner anywhere around, thought Hector. No, it does not seem so. Hmmm, do I even want this CD? If not, could I sell it at a used music store? Is it worth the hassle to even think about all of this? But what if I could get $4 for it at a used music store? $4 is $4. Have I ever heard this album on the radio? I don't think it got very good reviews. What do I really think about Wynton's music? Hmmmm, what to do, what to do. Hot House. That was a really good song on Massey Hall. Diz and Bird. Should I just throw this CD down on the ground and move on? Hector was still contemplating his options when....

Pete C · August-16th-2005, 02:24 PM

the Messiah came.

HLJ · August-16th-2005, 02:55 PM

Thats right Messiah Jones B-More's most serious Gangsta."Yo Heck" he yelled."Want to get paid?" "Got a spot on 3rd & MLK need a soldier to sling some product" "You down?

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 02:58 PM

"You are the Messiah?" asked Hector. "Yes", said the Messiah. "Huh, I always thought that there would be more of a big production when you returned, like the skies opening, a pit of fire engulfing half the earth, a golden staircase going up into the air--that you would return on a throne in the sky, with majesty and angels and stuff like that," said Hector. "No, I'm more low key than that, but just as effective as you may have heard," said the Messiah. "Well, isn't there supposed to be some sort of Last Judgment Day?" asked Hector. "You're living in it," said the Messiah. "Yeah, but quite a bit of the day has gone by and it doesn't look like much has been judged yet. Are you planning to pick up the pace?" asked Hector. "Hey, I could judge the whole planet in a nanosecond if I wanted to. Don't worry about the time of day," said the Messiah. "So why are you wandering around here?" said Hector. "I was looking for a letter that my mother had written to me the last time I lived here. I put it into a CD case with Wynton Marsalis' Hot House Flowers on the cover," said the Messiah. Wow, he had been holding a letter over 2,000 years old from the Virgin Mary all that time and did not even know it, thought Hector. What could you get for that on ebay? They got thousands for that cheese sandwich that was supposed to look like a religious artifact. "Here it is," said Hector. The Messiah took it from him. "Hey, isn't that supposed to be highly significant, that I found it?" asked Hector. "In the Bible, it always seems like items like this are sent to some lowly person who turns out to be very highly favored by God." "No, no, there's really nothing to it this time," said the Messiah. "Say, has anyone else recognized you as the Messiah?" asked Hector. "No one," said the Messiah. "Pretty much like last time." "Yeah, but if you did one or two of your miracles, there would be quite a stir," said Hector. "I don't want to be featured on MSN's Peculiar Postings, or the cover of the National Enquirer," said the Messiah. With that, the Messiah stretched out his hand and....

HLJ · August-16th-2005, 03:02 PM

6 Caddies with 20 inch gold rims appeared.

Hot Ptah · August-16th-2005, 03:36 PM

With a wave of his hand, the Messiah turned them into a pile of ashes. "The material things of this world mean nothing," said the Messiah. "Now I will get to work judging humans in earnest." He turned to Hector and said, "you first" and Hector suddenly.....

HLJ · August-16th-2005, 03:42 PM

said."How much cheddar can a Brother clock hustling up on MLK?"

Deke Thornton · August-16th-2005, 04:22 PM

"The possibilities are ample," Hector replied, "but don't even think about it before you make a visit to the Gem Saloon and have a face-to-face with the proprietor, Mr. Swearengen."

They strolled up the the Gem, an obvious dive on Yankton Street, half a block off MLK. Swearengen, a dark-haired, hawk-faced man with observant, felonious eyes, listened quietly as Hector and Messiah JB-M outlined their busines proposal. After they wrapped up Swearengen intoned, with absolutely no change of expression, "Get the fuck out of my joint."

Outside the Gem, Hector entreated the Messiah to condsider some kind of contingency plan. "Seems the conventional approach has failed," he said. "We've got to utilize a new strategy: