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A real political alternative??
Is Canada ready for Sex Party?
By ROSS McLENNAN
Haul those leather goods and chains out of the closet and screw that trapeze swing firmly into the bedroom ceiling.
There's no need to be coy about your sexual proclivities anymore.
Or to live in fear of exposure and ridicule.
Because the next step in the sexual revolution is about to take place.
The Sex Party is planning to run candidates in the next federal election.
Or maybe you should say next federal "erection." Haw, haw, haw.
OK ... OK ....
I hope that shopworn exercise in less-than-sophisticated sexual humour has allowed the snickering and juvenile-minded among you to get that sort of sniggering salaciousness off your chest once and for all and settle down with the rest of us to a serious consideration of the impact the advent of a national Sex Party will have on the Canadian body politic.
He said "chest" and "body."
I'm in bigger trouble than I thought.
Any success the Sex Party might enjoy federally could encourage other fringe parties to go national as well.
One way of judging how that might change the federal political landscape is to consider the state of the political scene in the province which gave birth to the Sex Party -- British Columbia.
That warm and yeasty political Petri dish teetering on the edge of the Pacific produced no less than 45 parties that ran during the B.C. provincial election last May.
Groups like the Marijuana Party, the Work Less Party (whose tag line is "Alarm clocks kill dreams") and the Annexation Party, which would like to see B.C. become America's 51st state.
It's surprising the latter hasn't set up shop in Alberta, which is already more than halfway there.
Then there was the Platinum Party of Employers Who Think and Act to Increase Awareness (Huh?); the People of British Columbia Millionaires Party (donations not needed but welcome); the Party of Citizens Who Have Decided to Think For Themselves And Be Their Own Politicians (would that even fit on a lawn sign?); and Your Political Party (whose motto, if it isn't, should be "Of course we'll never win but it's your party, so cry if you want to.").
And let's not forget the two never-say-die dinosaurs: The Social Credit Party and the Communist Party of B.C.
The Commies, by the way, managed to grab only 244 votes -- 0.01% of the popular vote -- in the last B.C. election, whereas the Sex Party's three candidates garnered 305 votes, 0.02% of the popular vote.
Which proves there are fewer people in B.C. who want to nationalize Whistler and make it into a holiday camp for workers than there are people who want public schools to teach kids to enjoy sex and masturbate.
Yeah .. which is about as necessary as classes in breathing.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now cut that out!
Mind you, there's a good chance the right to engage in the kind of kinky fun and games somebody like you obviously enjoys will be enshrined in the Charter of Rights.
In fact, you might even be able to take your sexually reticent partner to court if he or she or it refuses to indulge in your favourite sexual antics.
Just think ... you'll not only have Miss Lonelyhearts to appeal to but the Supreme Court as well.
We only thought it fair to end our consideration of the Sex Party's impact on federal politics with quotes from those most likely to be affected -- prominent Canadian politicians.
Prime Minister Paul Martin: "Let me just say that, of course, there is really no need for a Sex Party here in Canada. As I have said many times before and, indeed, many times since then and, of course, even sooner than that and, naturally, always will, well into the foreseeable future, if there are two things my government has consistently regarded as tantamount among the priorities we promised to set, have, indeed, set and, by heaven, will continue to set -- those things are sex and parties."
NDP Leader Jack Layton: "We have heard rumours the Sex Party plans to declare nudist-colony fees tax deductible. We're absolutely opposed to supporting corpulent welfare bums."
Bloc Quebecois Leader Gilles Duceppe: "Sex Party, eh? Ho, ho, ho. Perhaps we will have to rethink separation, yes? Ho, ho, ho. But, seriously, we're humiliated."
Conservative Leader Stephen Harper: "What's 'sex?' "
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