On Respect: Diary of a mad, bad, sad and ultimately glad black woman

[RainyDay]

On Respect
Diary of a mad, bad, sad and ultimately glad black woman



Farai Chideya

Sunday, October 9, 2005




I recently moved to Los Angeles. Along with the fun of exploring its interconnected cities, I experienced a string of racial incidents. Some were faintly ridiculous, like a spat with the owners of a spa who'd canceled my reservation. Others were all too familiar, like meeting a landlord who clearly didn't want to rent to me. It was as if the universe was saying, "Hold on, black woman, don't get too big for your britches."

Humility is a virtue black women -- and African Americans generally -- are expected to have in excess. But as I travel through the country speaking to students, I find myself trying to make sense of how we as black people should move through the world. Should we let the pain of racial slights roll off our backs? Or should we aggressively fight every injustice? The answer is by no means clear.

My incidents in Los Angeles were minor compared to what happened to me earlier this year. I was invited to speak at Barnard College's "Celebration of Black Womanhood" in New York. I walked through Central Park and saw the billowing saffron curtains of Christo's "Gates." A late winter snow frosted the ground; the park was near empty and serene.

The college agreed to send a car to pick me up. The ride was uneventful. And then we pulled up at the gates. "Twenty dollars," the driver said. Never mind that a cab would have cost me $7. I'd spent my cash on a hat and gloves, and besides, the university was supposed to pay.

I told him so. He said he didn't have a university number. I told him again: I'm not responsible for paying. Please call your supervisor and sort this out. It was the principle of the thing.

Black women, as a rule, do not get to stand on principle. We do not have the luxury of being right for right's sake. So when I demanded he call his supervisor, he locked the doors and called the police.

So I called the police, too -- the campus police. They pleaded with me to pay the bill by credit card. I offered, reluctantly. The driver refused my offer. I assume he thought I was a thief. It was the principle of the thing.

So I told "my" police they'd better get someone out here quick or no uplifting speech about black women would be forthcoming. Two cops and a very cold young man clutching $20 appeared to diffuse the situation. What didn't work was my attempt to choke back tears. It takes a lot to get me going, but once I do, I'm a faucet. Instead of arriving on campus an hour early, calm and composed, I arrived with only half an hour to spare, sans handcuffs, but sobbing.

The organizers of the event met me with coffee and sympathy, and after a few moments of meditation I composed myself.

The first thing I did at the banquet was tell the story of how I'd arrived. I asked the audience to try to understand what it said about being black today.

When met by an assumption -- for example, "black women are thieving" -- should I diffuse conflict? Or should I behave as if my honesty were unassailable? Is demanding respect an egotistical pursuit in a flawed world? Or is it a necessary form of resistance that benefits those who come after you, if not you yourself? How many battles do you have to fight just to be you? And how many must you fight for your tribe?

Identity is a Zen koan, a riddle. Who are you when stripped of race, of class, of gender and sexuality? Are you -- are we -- defined by the act of challenging other peoples' assumptions? If the world suddenly stopped pushing us, would we fall on our faces because we were still pushing back?

The worst thing about any group identity is that it becomes fixed, Procrustean. We shave off little bits of our souls, or lop off whole limbs, to fit what we think suits "black" or "woman"... or "Asian" or "Christian" or "Muslim" or "gay" or "straight." We might join in crusades we don't believe in, or sit out battles we should engage in, in order to stay in the center of our herd. And we do this so others will see us as authentic, instead of showing our true, messed-up, divine and complicated selves.

Each of you, I said to the women at Barnard, is a star in the heavens. Sometimes others will see your brilliant light; sometimes it'll be hidden by life's clouds. But even when no one sees you, no one appreciates you, you shine. Seek to keep your light, and illuminate your unique place in the sky.

Afterward, the students and I talked. They were relieved not to hear one more call to be a soldier, a warrior, a tough black woman. Or not to be a perfect lady, full of grace under fire. Of course, they were all these things, and much more.

The most revolutionary thing you can tell a young black woman -- or anyone -- today is to be herself. Not the self that the media, mainstream society, peers or parents demand; not the self that will necessarily get you the most money or acceptance or acclaim, but the kind of self that can walk whole and unrestrained through the world, accepting of others, with kindness and joy -- even in the face of pain.

Farai Chideya is a correspondent for National Public Radio, founder of Popand Politics.com, a California Fellow of the New America Foundation and author of three books, including "Trust: Reaching the 100 Million Missing Voters

[Chris D]

Powerful column.

[JamesH]

Thanks for sharing the article. I have one of Farai's books "Don't believe the Hype" which is like a reference bible to me.

As a black male it's tough but I can't even imagine how tough it must be for a black female. Especialy one who doesn't want to compromise her spirit or values to get along.

A black female with a strong personality is always going to have problems. I think that's where the stereotype of the strong, loud, obnoxious black woman came from. It's probably American white society's projection of their fear of someone who has been abused more than any other American citizen standing up against them for what she deserves.

I hate that stereotype not only because it so incorrectly represents every black woman I've ever know but because is shrinks away from the depth of humanity of uniquely intelligent, culturally diverse and powerful people and turns them into what the worst of white society wishes for.

[rollhead]

"But what of black women? . . . I most sincerely doubt if any other race of women could have brought its fineness up through so devilish a fire."
-- W.E.B. DuBois

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally Posted by rollhead

"But what of black women? . . . I most sincerely doubt if any other race of women could have brought its fineness up through so devilish a fire."
-- W.E.B. DuBois

Great quote. I used to think that my wife was overstating things when she would point out how she is treated differently as a woman than I am as a man. One particular pet peeve was when she would buy a car, yet the paperwork all came in my name, or named me first, even though it was her purchase and her car. Over time, I've come to see that she's not making it up. I can only imagine how much worse it is for black women. Good for the author for not backing down, while still not being a "shrill" woman.

[Dr Dave]

De-fuse, not diffuse.

Otherwise, yeah. How it is, etc.

(I'm sorry, I love English, I hate to see it used improperly, if it's a crime, hang me, I've lived a full life, I don't care.)

[Paul B]

Over time, I've come to see that she's not making it up. I can only imagine how much worse it is for black women. Good for the author for not backing down, while still not being a "shrill" woman.

Still, isn't it entirely possible that this was simply a case of just one of the many assholes in New York, where nothing--even something like getting from point A to point B--is ever easy? I've used cars for my company that didn't require a charge card, but did require a voucher. Maybe this WAS Columbia's fault--i.e. those in charge of the event either didn't provide some kind of voucher or arrange for the pre-payment--and had absolutely nothing to do with this person being a black woman.

[rollhead]

[QUOTE=Paul B]Still, isn't it entirely possible that this ..... QUOTE]

Sure just like I think it is possible that the number of black drivers who are pulled over and questioned for doing absolutely nothing wrong ... has nothing to do with the fact that those drivers are black.

It's possible ... I suppose. But I still wouldn't blame those drivers for thinking, hey, I got pulled over because I was black!

Just like it is possible for someone like me -- a white middle class male -- to tell the limo driver, "asshole, bill the school," and just walk away from it ... and not worry about being jailed or having the shit kicked out of me in the process.

And just like I think it is possible for a black person, who saw black people getting beat down by police every day on TV, might be a bit skeptical about what people in authority -- including campus cops -- might think about me.

[Paul B]

All I'm saying is the conflation of ordinary hassles (and I don't believe for a moment that this woman was in danger of getting the shit kicked out of her by the cops) with real race-based problems does nobody any good. For the woman in question, how lame must it be to go through life assuming that every slight, every problem she encounters is due to her race, when in fact many such slights are not.

There clearly are times--many times--when blacks are treated unjustly. But always assuming the worst does nobody any good either. And this is a case where the writer just seems like she wanted it to be a problem, as if in justification of her worldview.

My .02.

Bye-ya

[moneyp]

Nobody should have their spa reservation canceled (like Mel had one time... hey, maybe they thought she was black) and the driver really just should have called his supervisor instead of acting like an ass, but I don't think he would let anyone leave just because they tell you they're not supposed to be paying for it. The rental thing I have no problem believing, though.

My position is that it's actions, not motives that are what's important. I don't really care if a person doesn't like me because of my race or if they don't like me because of how I dress(*) or whatever, but I won't settle for not being treated with respect, period.

I like the questions that she asks in the latter part of the article. I think how to react to racism depends on what you view it as. I usually view it as that person's own problem, and there's likely nothing you can do to change that perception.

(*Which has never been an issue. I dress impeccably.)

[rollhead]

Originally Posted by mone peterson

My position is that it's actions, not motives that are what's important ... but I won't settle for not being treated with respect, period.

Well said.

[Paul B]

Well, sometimes this whole notion of "respect" is overblown. If a dumbass car driver or delivery person or whoever is rude, guess what: just deal. While courtesy is a good thing, the world does not owe it to us. There are bigger worries in life than whether or not some idiot treats you with "respect"--whatever that really means.

And nobody is in a position to demand it (or "not settle for being treated with it") unless he/she is willing to force it (in which case it is false and meaningless) at the point of a gun.

Get over your bad selves.

[JamesH]

Paul B,

There is one thing missing from your argument - proper context.

If you go through life as a relatively priviledged person, in your case white male I presume. You have never experienced the consistent and holistic indignity that a black female has experienced. So you are in essence speaking from a place where knowledge is completely lacking. And instead of trying to understand others you believe your world view makes sense for everyone. That's not only intellectually backward but dangerous.

[Paul B]

I'm not going to get into a long, drawn-out argument here. I made my key point above: every slight to a black person (or any minority) is not necessarily based on race. And it's preposterous to assume so.

The widely bandied-about notion that whites can't understand what blacks go through is fair enough--to a certain point. But the reverse is also true: blacks shouldn't assume they are always right about what whites are thinking, or about what their actions mean. It's a two way street, though that is rarely acknowledged.

In the case at hand (the woman and the driver), there is absolutely no evidence that the driver's actions were racially motivated, and I think it's pretty sad the writer and everyone else feels they were. Who knows? I don't. But I won't jump to the conclusion automatically. Frankly, I feel sorry for the person who needs to find malignity in every corner of life.


(edited for typo)

[JamesH]

Originally Posted by Paul B

I'm not going to get into a long, drawn-out argument here. I made my key point above: every slight to a black person (or any minority) is not necessarily based on race. And it's preposterous to assume so.

Agreed.

Originally Posted by Paul B

The widely bandied-about notion that whites can't understand what blacks go through is fair enough--to a certain point. But the reverse is also true: blacks shouldn't assume they are always right about what whites are thinking, or about what their actions mean. It's a two way street, though that is rarely acknowledged.

I see your point but there is something you have not considered. For the most part black people in America are surrounded by whites. We have to think about white motives and thought processes and movements day and night. Our TV, movies, magazines, billboards, teachers, bosses, President, governor, mayor, landlord, banker, insurance agent, dentist, doctor.....you guessed it they're all dominated by white people.

White people have the luxury of not giving a damn about blacks beyond simple stereotypes because for many whites we only enter your life not as diverse human being but as media stereotypes.

Originally Posted by Paul B

In the case at hand (the woman and the driver), there is absolutely no evidence that the driver's actions were racially motivated, and I think it's pretty sad the writer and everyone else feels they were. Who knows? I don't. But I won't jump to the conclusion automatically. Frankly, I feel sorry for the person who needs to find malignity in every corner of life.
(edited for typo)

You have a valid point but again your talking from a myopic point of view. Black people don't look for racism in 'every corner of life' it often comes looking for us. Generally speaking black people are strong willed, hard working and extraordinarily diverse people, who want to avoid racist encounters at all cost.

[Paul B]

Generally speaking black people are strong willed, hard working and extraordinarily diverse people, who want to avoid racist encounters at all cost.

And the same is true for white people.

[JamesH]

Originally Posted by Paul B

And the same is true for white people.

Agreed, with one difference related to our subject that you consistently fail to get. In the United States, overwhelmingly blacks are opressed by racism while whites are benefactors (financially) of racism. Blacks bear the brunt while whites keep racism in place. Until you can understand this basic fact you'll never have a clue about the subject.

And I'm not talking about extremely infrequent exceptions to the rule where whites are hurt by black racism or people having their little feelings hurt because others are mean to them. I'm talking racism that is imbedded in every American institutional facet of life be it education, media, banking, criminal justice, insurance, fair housing, medical care, government, etc.

That's not a complaint or a card, it's simply a fact and as long as there are people who don't want to come to grips with that truth the problem will never completely go away.

[tippy]

Well said.

[bluenoter]

Amen.

[Ron Thorne]

Agreed again, JamesH!

[moneyp]

Originally Posted by Paul B

Well, sometimes this whole notion of "respect" is overblown. If a dumbass car driver or delivery person or whoever is rude, guess what: just deal.

That's not necessarily what I was talking about.

While courtesy is a good thing, the world does not owe it to us. There are bigger worries in life than whether or not some idiot treats you with "respect"--whatever that really means.

Paul, if you're happy letting the world walk all over you, then this doesn't apply to you. But considering that, it's not surprising that you don't understand what respect means. (Most of) the rest of us aren't content to be milksops.

[Paul B]

The world doesn't walk all over me. But some idiotic and phony notion of "respect" that is supposedly due me from others is meaningless. I have more important things to worry about. It's a small mind that worries about "respect" from everyone who crosses his/her path.

As for James, again: it's obvious to the entire world that blacks still suffer the effects of racism; it's less obvious that every encounter in their lives, regardless of circumstance, is suffused with it. I don't subscribe to a worldview that bleak, and I feel sorry for someone who does. It seems to me you want that racism to exist--real or not--to prop up some notion of what the world is like.

Bye-ya

[Doc Martin]

Originally Posted by JamesH

White people have the luxury of not giving a damn about blacks beyond simple stereotypes because for many whites we only enter your life not as diverse human being but as media stereotypes.

Agreed, but let’s talk for a moment about people who have interracial relationships, the ones who see beyond color and stereotypes. We are out there.

In 1969 I found myself (thanks to a scholarship and liberals) in a rather snooty Upper East Side prep school; this was my first encounter with Republicans, preppies and the like. All the guys looked like Doug Neidermeyer from Animal House and spoke like William F. Buckley, and all the girls looked like Sandra Dee. You know, egg salad on white bread. Then there was me; an olive skinned French/Italian kid with jet black hair half way down his back from the Village, and Mike a black kid from West 116th Street in Harlem, with a Sly Stone afro. We were the outsiders, and were made to feel about as welcome as a dose of Syphilis. Mike and I forged a friendship that lasts to this day.

Mike and I see a lot of each other. When we are out; waiters, bartenders, the police (we actually sued the N.Y.P.D in 1991 for false arrest, and won!), and people on the street always give a certain look, one of suspicion, as if white and black people can’t be friends “they must be up to something”, it does not matter what race they belong to black, white, or whatever. Over the years we have become used to this, and it has become never ending source of humor, but every now and then it can get ugly.

Last Thursday Mike, Shari his wife, Desiree my wife and I decided to meet at our favorite steakhouse after work. At the corner of Lexington Avenue and 46th street I met Shari, we hugged and kissed, I put my arm around Shari’s shoulder and we proceeded to walk to the restaurant. When passed by two black women one commented to the other “She thinks she’s white”. When we arrived at the restaurant we were shown to the bar, where Mike and Desiree were waiting, but we didn’t see them, when one yuppie said to the other loudly “Is black and white the new trend?” As I gave this guy a long cold stare, Mike shouted “Over here nigger lover”, this caused dead silence in the bar except for Shari, Desiree and I who were laughing hysterically! Another funny thing, when we were seated, we got. and always seem to get the worst seats in the house. This is business as usual for us, I know our relationship is not the norm, but damn.

Does anyone else out there have a friend(s), wife, husband, lover or whatever of a different race?

[cookie]

I once had a black boyfriend and we once encountered the same sort of harrassment from a group of young black females on a bus. I was disturbed and I admit, frightened by it. My boyfriend told me to just ignore it and that it was a fact of life that some people, even in the late 20th century, would have problems with a mixed couple. We broke up eventually, but I'm never going to forget that moment.

[Noj]

Three of my best friends are Mexican, another is half black, half Italian. One of my oldest friends is black. I had grown up in an all white neighborhood, and had white friends going into high school. When I befriended Mexicans and black people, I was called names and basically ostricized from hanging out with the white people I'd known all my life. "Wannabe black" and "wannabe Mexican," "whigger," I heard it all. It only cemented in my mind that I didn't want to be one of those white people.

At the same time, I have been around blacks and Mexicans who made it apparent they were uncomfortable with my being white. Some have made racist comments toward me, especially on the basketball court. It's disheartening.

I'm a skateboarder/snowboarder type, so my outward appearance wouldn't indicate that I am different from other well-to-do white folks. On occasion whites and non-whites alike have assumed I am racist.

On several occasions, I've been there when my non-white friends were getting harrassed by the police for no reason. One time some of the cops even chatted with me in a friendly way while other cops were giving my non-white friends the third degree and searching their pockets! Dumbfounding. Cops out in Canyon Country called my black friend "boy" while they searched the car.

[RainyDay]

Originally Posted by Doc Martin

Does anyone else out there have a friend(s), wife, husband, lover or whatever of a different race?

Yes and, generally speaking, I haven't noticed being treated any better or worse when I'm with white people, for example, than with any other flavor of person, or by myself. The only time I've noticed a reaction is when I'm with a white guy and people may stare, even in liberal Northern California. It does seem that black folks seem to be most vocal about what they percieve as an interracial "couple" if half of the equation is white. I have a cousin who believes that whites and blacks can never really be close friends, which is very weird because she knows I have a couple of very close white friends.

I live in Oakland and have done a whole bunch of community work over the years so it'd be dificult for me to not have friendships that reach across a variety of ethnicities and races. I was doing so much work in the Latino community (where I live) that I finally came to acknowledge my own Central American roots, that I had never really talked about, mostly at the insistence of Latino colleagues who just KNEW I had to have some Latin blood going on. One of the things that I learned is that people are more alike than they may want to admit to. In Oakland, there's some of everybody everywhere, for the most part. And my work environment is pretty well integrated, even in SF, which I think has some deeply rooted institutional racism even among so-called "progressives."

Related to nothing at all, for some reason since starting these series of threads, I've been thinking about a North Berkeley deli I used to frequent way back when I was a student. I went often on Saturdays and picked up freshly baked quiche. It was scrumptious. I couldn't help but notice that I was treated rather chilly by the employees compared to the warm greetings received by other patrons but I kept going back because I liked the food. One Saturday, I went in and asked for the usual and the man behind the counter coldly said they didn't have any and had never carried that item. I never went back after that.

I've had a similar experience at another deli in Oakland. Noticed a chill when I was wainted on. Some years ago, a former co-worker, who is Italian, which is what this deli is, informed me that the people who worked there just barely tolerated blacks. How strange is that, in Oakland? She had struck up a real friendship with the employees until they found out she is lesbian and then their friendship cooled considerably.

It seems good business practices will not stand in the way of bigotry.

[Darryl G. Thomas]

The only thing I can say to Paul B., and this is speaking for myself and not all black people is: you never know.

Race is always I the back of my mind because of personal experiences and those of my friends and family. To many non-blacks it probably appears as an unhealthy obsession. Cortland Malloy, a black columnist for the Washington Post wrote a couple of articles concerning black reaction to percieved racial insults after the Bill Bennett incident. I interpreted his writings as saying "we" should take a roll off of our backs attitude. That it is unhealthy, physically and spiritually to think so much about racism.

But the problem remains: you never know. Why didn't I get that job? Why didn't I get that mortgage? How come I'm not getting promoted? Why doesn't the trash get picked up as often in my neighborhood?

I remember one of the big controversies here in the DC area when I first moved here in '86 was sound barriers along the DC Beltway. The white neighborhoods had them, the black neighborhoods didn't. The new one is Verizon not offering home DSL service in my county, Prince George's, but offering the same service to the majority white counties in the Metro area. Including one whose educational level and medium income is lower.

For me, and probably a majority of native born black Americans, it is impossible to discount the history of this country. And we're constantly getting reminders: the 64-year old brother getting beat down in New Orleans. James Byrd getting dragged behind a truck in Texas. Hell, just tryiong to catch a cab.

So like I said: you never know.

[Coda]

x

[Enforcer]

Originally Posted by Darryl G. Thomas

you never know.

You really don't. Without recounting my entire childhood, I saw and heard plenty to substantiate this perspective. I really believe that you just never know.

[RainyDay]

Originally Posted by Coda

I'd like to know your impression with organizations such as 'women of color' and how you would react if there were a similar group to support white males.

Here's my beef: Why do white people care if people of color form alliances and organizations around race/ethnicity/culture? I never hear anyone gripe about Italian American celebrations for Columbus Day but white people have a fit that there is a Black Miss America pageant. 60 Minutes actually did a story about how blacks self segregate in public schools and featured Berkeley High School. Why does this bother white people so much? As a black person, I've had my share of negative experiences with some white folks, especially as a child, and when I choose to hang with people like me, the same people who don't want me anywhere near them don't want me anywhere near blacks either . What is up with that?

As for white males forming groups for themselves, they have. There are still golf and tennis clubs that are exclusive. There are fraternities, etc. Why should I care? Whites don't need these organizations in the same way that people of color do because whites don't have to worry about brown faces keeping them out of jobs, preventing them from buying houses where they want to, going to schools they want to, getting a home loan, getting waited on in a store with some modicum of civility. I don't care if white people have clubs. Whites already run the most powerful club in the country already, the US Congress. So why does anyone care if there is a Miss Black America?