You Want To Disagree?

[GoodSpeak]

Fine.

Do it with some measure of grace and decorum.



Just don't be a jerk about it, OK?








Is this asking too much? Really?

[Monte Smith]

The Argument Sketch



The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser (Graham Chapman)
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter


M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
Q: (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

[GoodSpeak]

They get paid to say that, Monte.

[bluenoter]

Sunday evening? Check.

Full moon coming up? Check.

[crawjo]

Originally Posted by GoodSpeak

Fine.

Do it with some measure of grace and decorum.

If you don't mind me saying so, Mr. Goodspeak, you are perhaps the sorriest excuse for a human being I have ever yet encountered. To be sure, I don't mean to be rude in insulting you in that manner, and I do it with only the very best wishes extended towards you and your lovely wife. But nonetheless, it does seem to me that perhaps you might benefit from having your head removed from your rectum, and with all good speed.

I won't trouble you any longer, and do wish you a happy evening.

You want grace and decorum, there you have it.

[GoodSpeak]

Crawjo,

You have never met me so anything you say along these lines is pure speculation at best and entirely misinformed at the very least.

[jesus marion joseph]

No disrespect, but this thread reminds me of a story a friend told me. She knew this German guy (I think they worked in a restaurant together) who had a very dignified way of speaking to everyone, but he structured his sentences the way Germans do, which is sort of backwards from the way we do it in English. Anyway, he gets into an argument with a customer, who is foaming at the mouth, and the kicker line he says when he finally loses his cool is "I am saying to you 'fuck you'."

Needless to say, whenever we're playing a board game or billiards or somesuch, we repeat that phrase often.


Carry on.

[Rob C]

Originally Posted by GoodSpeak

They get paid to say that, Monte.

One could not ask for a more perfect reply.

[Enforcer]

Originally Posted by jesus marion joseph

No disrespect, but this thread reminds me of a story a friend told me. She knew this German guy (I think they worked in a restaurant together) who had a very dignified way of speaking to everyone, but he structured his sentences the way Germans do, which is sort of backwards from the way we do it in English. Anyway, he gets into an argument with a customer, who is foaming at the mouth, and the kicker line he says when he finally loses his cool is "I am saying to you 'fuck you'."

Needless to say, whenever we're playing a board game or billiards or somesuch, we repeat that phrase often.


Carry on.

Excellent! My friends would beat a phrase like that to death, too. Well done, jmj.

[crawjo]

Originally Posted by GoodSpeak

Crawjo,

You have never met me so anything you say along these lines is pure speculation at best and entirely misinformed at the very least.

Goodspeak,

Just in case this wasn't clear, I was entirely joking in my response. I was just riffing off of the "decorum" line and trying to write incredibly insulting things in a "decorous" manner.

[rollhead]

Originally Posted by jesus marion joseph

No disrespect, but this thread reminds me of a story a friend told me. She knew this German guy (I think they worked in a restaurant together) who had a very dignified way of speaking to everyone, but he structured his sentences the way Germans do, which is sort of backwards from the way we do it in English. Anyway, he gets into an argument with a customer, who is foaming at the mouth, and the kicker line he says when he finally loses his cool is "I am saying to you 'fuck you'."

Needless to say, whenever we're playing a board game or billiards or somesuch, we repeat that phrase often.


Carry on.

I used to work in a kitchen with Gustavo, who was from Mexico. He would say, (and I can't really do his accent) "You keep talkin to me dat way, and I'll slap you like I slap my beaches."

I would practice that with him, and say back "If you keep talkin dat way to me, I'll slap you like I slap my beech."

It would piss him off, he would say: NO, NO, NO -- "BEACHES!," "BEACHES!," NOT "BEACH!"

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally Posted by rollhead

It would piss him off, he would say: NO, NO, NO -- "BEACHES!," "BEACHES!," NOT "BEACH!"

Well, you wouldn't want anyone to think you only slap one "beach", would you?

[GoodSpeak]

Originally Posted by crawjo

Goodspeak,

Just in case this wasn't clear, I was entirely joking in my response. I was just riffing off of the "decorum" line and trying to write incredibly insulting things in a "decorous" manner.

Well....alrighty then.



Just so it's clear

[rollhead]

Goody, I think Crawjo was beach slapping you.

[GoodSpeak]

Long as it wasn't a nude beach....