Toilet Paper

Doc Martin · November-9th-2005, 11:40 AM

A publishing house in Ukraine has started selling toilet paper with pictures of a number of world politicians, including Russian President Vladimir Putin, U.S. President George Bush, Belarussian President Aleksandr Lukashenko, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, U.S. State Secretary Condoleezza Rice and Russian businessman Boris Berezovsky.

Who would you like to see on a sheet of toilet paper?

Enforcer · November-9th-2005, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Martin

Who would you like to see on a sheet of toilet paper?

Certainly not any dies or other forms of coloring. Charmin Ultra, thank you very much.

OK, I might go for this:

patricia · November-9th-2005, 12:03 PM

High quality toilet paper and real butter are the two things on which I refuse to compromise, no matter how lean my personal exchequor is.
If the revolting visages are printed on the kind with the tiny pillows, I would stock up, with pleasure.
Would some of the more odeous ones appear say on every third or fourth square. Very cathartic, I would think.

Enforcer · November-9th-2005, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patricia

High quality toilet paper and real butter are the two things on which I refuse to compromise, no matter how lean my personal exchequor is.

This brings a tear of joy to my eye.

hornplayer · November-9th-2005, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Martin

A publishing house in Ukraine has started selling toilet paper with pictures of a number of world politicians, including Russian President Vladimir Putin, U.S. President George Bush, Belarussian President Aleksandr Lukashenko, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, U.S. State Secretary Condoleezza Rice and Russian businessman Boris Berezovsky.

Who would you like to see on a sheet of toilet paper?

I think the Ukranians took care of it pretty well! Maybe add Cheney and Rummy? Daddy Bush? Ronald (bonzo) Reagan?

jazzy mary · November-9th-2005, 02:07 PM

I'm w/ you Patricia! I love the scented Charmin toilet tissue. There's no one's face I want on my toilet paper.

Monte Smith · November-9th-2005, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patricia

High quality toilet paper and real butter are the two things on which I refuse to compromise, no matter how lean my personal exchequor is.

Oh my God! You wipe your ass with butter??

graypencil · November-9th-2005, 03:22 PM

I dunno about the TP thing, but a Karl Rovipository for Hemmheroid relief seems an apt device to bear an image.

As for as Monte, somebody send him a DVD of Last Tango in Paris

steve(thelil) · November-9th-2005, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patricia

High quality toilet paper and real butter are the two things on which I refuse to compromise, no matter how lean my personal exchequor is. .

While I agee that real high quality toilet paper is a must, I find it works equally well with a good margarine or Bummel and Brown spread.

Enforcer · November-9th-2005, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by graypencil

As for as Monte, somebody send him a DVD of Last Tango in Paris

Don't get Moné started.

steve(thelil) · November-9th-2005, 03:31 PM

Oh Crap. I posted my last post before noticing that Monte had responded with basically the same joke (albeit an inferior version)

Monte Smith · November-9th-2005, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve(thelil)

Oh Crap. I posted my last post before noticing that Monte had responded with basically the same joke (albeit an inferior version)

You only wish your ass/butter joke had the richness and flavor of my ass/butter joke.

Doc Martin · November-9th-2005, 04:05 PM

As Marlon Brando said to Maria Schneider; “Get the butter”

Enforcer · November-9th-2005, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Martin

As Marlon Brando said to Maria Schneider; “Get the butter”

Doc, you are SO lagging behind the jokes.

And you don't do that as well as Moné.

Sand · November-9th-2005, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

You only wish your ass/butter joke had the richness and flavor of my ass/butter joke.

If the butter were produced from the milk of cows raised on ecological grass (not that kind of grass), the flavor would beat your's.

patricia · November-9th-2005, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

Oh my God! You wipe your ass with butter??

Thank you Larry and Mary.

Monte, what kind of a moron would do that?

And yes, I did get the reference to "Last Tango In Paris". Marlon Brando's best role, IMO.

But, for some reason this whole conversation reminds me of a joke:
Guy asks his friend what the difference is between a hand towel and toilet paper.
His friend answers, "I don't know".
Guy says "So, it WAS you!"

Monte Smith · November-9th-2005, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patricia

Thank you Larry and Mary.

Monte, what kind of a moron would do that?

And yes, I did get the reference to "Last Tango In Paris". Marlon Brando's best role, IMO.

But, for some reason this whole conversation reminds me of a joke:
Guy asks his friend what the difference is between a hand towel and toilet paper.
His friend answers, "I don't know".
Guy says "So, it WAS you!"

That reminds me of two jokes. One is too indefensible to tell. The second one is this: Two young college men are in a public toilet. The first finishes his business and goes to the sink to wash his hands. The second finishes his business, zips up, and heads for the door. The first one says, "You know, at Harvard they teach gentlemen to wash their hands." The other says, "That's funny. At State they teach gentlemen not to piss on them."

patricia · November-9th-2005, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

That reminds me of two jokes. One is too indefensible to tell. The second one is this: Two young college men are in a public toilet. The first finishes his business and goes to the sink to wash his hands. The second finishes his business, zips up, and heads for the door. The first one says, "You know, at Harvard they teach gentlemen to wash their hands." The other says, "That's funny. At State they teach gentlemen not to piss on them."

And that alone negates the tuition fees at Harvard.

John L · November-9th-2005, 09:11 PM

Leave it to the Ukrainians. Only last year, the Ukrainians sold advertising space on their imigration cards (filled out by all foreigners visiting the country) to speak easy joints.

bruce massey · November-10th-2005, 04:04 AM

Lived on a kibbutz in Israel in 1974. The TP was more akin to sandpaper than Charmin.

A bunch of us came sown with dysentery.

It was no secret who had been sick when we toured Israel and swam in the Dead Sea. When that concentrated salty mash hit the rubbed raw bungholes of the ill, a great cry grew up in the desert and the mournful wails were heard to the walls of Jericho!

I need TP for my bunghole!

Phil_Meloy · November-10th-2005, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

That reminds me of two jokes. One is too indefensible to tell.

What's up Monte? That's never stopped you before.

"The Political toilet paper is printed at the Zhucheng Senke Paper-Making Co.Ltd. plant in China."

Hell even this stuff is made in China!

rollhead · November-10th-2005, 09:15 AM

I am shocked that Patricia, of all people, would turn this thread into a discussion of shit sandwiches.

moneyp · November-10th-2005, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

You only wish your ass/butter joke had the richness and flavor of my ass/butter joke.

But it does have half the calories.

Resenting being pre-empted by Larry,
Mone

patricia · November-10th-2005, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rollhead

I am shocked that Patricia, of all people, would turn this thread into a discussion of shit sandwiches.

What?? My contributions are, I think, dignified and in the best of taste.

Some people are still so embarrassed at admitting that not only do they use toilet paper, but occasionally have to buy it. I still remember my sister in law abbreviating it, by using the letters "t.p." on her grocery list, as well as abbreviating other items that she was buying in the personal care catagory.
I actually joked with her by asking if she was worried that if somebody saw her list, or she lost her list, they would think that she used toilet paper?

She didn't understand that I was joking.

Monte Smith · November-10th-2005, 12:00 PM

Speaking of dignity and good taste, my buddy Matt shared with me a tactic from his revenge arsenal that he would use if he was staying in the home of someone he secretly did not like. He would use the toilet, but instead of going in the bowl like a decent, normal, well-adjusted adult, he'd take a crap in the reservoir tank that sits behind a person in the normal defecatory* position. This tactic he calls "upper decking." I don't know if he originated this tactic or if he ever deployed it. But needless to say I check my reservoir tanks carefully after Matt swings by.

*Defecatory = word?

patricia · November-10th-2005, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

Speaking of dignity and good taste, my buddy Matt shared with me a tactic from his revenge arsenal that he would use if he was staying in the home of someone he secretly did not like. He would use the toilet, but instead of going in the bowl like a decent, normal, well-adjusted adult, he'd take a crap in the reservoir tank that sits behind a person in the normal defecatory* position. This tactic he calls "upper decking." I don't know if he originated this tactic or if he ever deployed it. But needless to say I check my reservoir tanks carefully after Matt swings by.

*Defecatory = word?

So to the untrained eye, Matt is a grownup. But, you know that he only got older and taller?

Monte Smith · November-10th-2005, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patricia

So to the untrained eye, Matt is a grownup. But, you know that he only got older and taller?

In Matt's defense, at least he doesn't wipe his butthole with milk solids, patricia. So far as I know. Um...he did throw a glob of Icey Hot at another man's rectum....

patricia · November-10th-2005, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

In Matt's defense, at least he doesn't wipe his butthole with milk solids, patricia. So far as I know. Um...he did throw a glob of Icey Hot at another man's rectum....

I, like you, abhor those who misuse milk solids. Matt's other chuckle-worthy stunt involving Icey Hot is ill-advised.

So, to re-state my position in this debate,
SOFT, TOILET PAPER. AT LEAST TWO-PLY, OR EVEN THREE-PLY. IT ALSO MUST HAVE THOSE LITTLE PILLOWS THAT GIGGLE ON THEM.

The butter was unrelated, but very important. So, to state again. There are two things which are staples, no matter how churchmouse-like my budget.

1. In the bathroom - the toilet paper as described.

2. In the refrigerator for spreading on food items. - real butter. Not margerine. Not butter-like spread. REAL BUTTER.

As for the other possibilities, you're on your own.

rollhead · November-10th-2005, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by patricia

So, to re-state my position in this debate,
SOFT, TOILET PAPER. AT LEAST TWO-PLY, OR EVEN THREE-PLY. IT ALSO MUST HAVE THOSE LITTLE PILLOWS THAT GIGGLE ON THEM.

So, Patricia, you want us to assume that when we hear the rolling, thunderous farting sounds coming out of the can when you are in there ... it is actually the "LITTLE PILLOWS GIGGLING"?

patricia · November-11th-2005, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rollhead

So, Patricia, you want us to assume that when we hear the rolling, thunderous farting sounds coming out of the can when you are in there ... it is actually the "LITTLE PILLOWS GIGGLING"?

You are confusing the sounds in my home with the sounds in yours.
Because such a loss of dignity is anathema to my dignity, I would never allow gaseous, unladylike emissions to occur.
One day I will likely explode.
Until then, yes, the only sounds are LITTLE PILLOWS GIGGLING.
I don't sweat, or sneeze, or snore, or itch either.