The following is a true story........
Adventures in satellite radio, or, where has all the customer service gone?
Starring Lester Battles.
As many of you are aware, I recently purchased a new car. The car I purchased was in short supply because production had ended for that model year, so finding the car with exactly what I wanted, and more importantly, didn't want proved rather difficult. Everything they had at our local dealer was jam packed with all kind of righteous, and very expensive, goodies. I wasn't going to pay over $3000 for things I was never going to use, like hands free cell phone(I never use my hands freeless cell phone), DVD based navigation system, rear seat DVD entertainment system, and so on.
They searched far and wide for a car without all the senseless frills. The closest they could come was one that didn't have the aforementioned products, but did still have satellite radio. With that radio came a years subscription to Sirius radio, which was paid for by yours truly. $175. So, on the window sticker it had a toll free number to call so that I could activate my service.
After the minute and a half long blabbity blab, I received a message to press 2 to activate my service. Shortly after pressing 2 I was greeted by a young lady trying badly and failing miserably at having an American accent.
Bad Accent: Thank you for calling Sirius, how can I assist you?
Les: Good morning. I recently purchased a new car that came with a satellite receiver and I am calling to activate it.
BA: Well first let me thank you for choosing Sirius satellite radio. Can I have your ESN number?
Les: What's an ESN number?
BA: That's your Electronic Signal Number.
Les: So how do I find it?
BA: *walks Les through the process of finding the elusive ESN* Is your car in a garage?
Les: Yes.
BA: Well, back it out of there! (no kidding, this is how she said it. It sounded as though she went to great lengths to resist adding "you idiot!" at the end)
Les: Ok, it's in my driveway now.
BA: I will send you a signal within the next five minutes. Make sure the unit is turned on and you should start receiving a signal shortly.
Les: Swe....*ahem* cool, thank you.
BA: Thank you once again for choosing Sirius satellite radio. If you have any problems, please do not hesitate to call us back.
*click*
Now, it was a horribly overcast day, and I sat out in the driveway for nearly ten minutes to no avail. I had to go to work, so I decided I would call them the next morning.
When I called back I waited for several minutes listening to "Pulse on Sirius radio". Ugh, Richard Marx...
"...hold on to the night, hold on to the memories. I wish that I could give you...."
Nice Lady: Thank you for choosing sirius radio, how may I help you?
Les: I called yesterday to get my service activated, but I still haven't received a signal, so I'm hoping we can get this taken care of.
NL: Can I have your first and last name?
Les: Yes, Les Battles. B-a-t-t-l-e-s.
NL: What kind of radio do you have?
Les: I don't know, it came with the car. *after I told her what kind of car, she said*
NL: Are you listening to the weather on channel 184?
Les: I'm not listening to anything. I have no signal.
NL: What does it say on your screen?
Les: SAT 184 ****No Signal****
NL: So, you're not hearing anything?
Les: .........nooooo
NL: I need you to press the menu button.
Les: .............hmmm, I don't have a menu button.
NL: Can you tune the radio to channel 881?
Les: How do I do that?
NL: You have to hit the menu button.
Les: I do not have a menu button.
NL: Can you hold please while I transfer you to Tech support?
Les: Sure.
"....hold on to the night, hold on to the memories. I wish that I could give you more, whoa......hold on to the..."
Next Helpful Dude: Thank you for calling Sirius radio tech support, can I have your first and last name?
Les: Yes, Les Battles. B-a-t-t-l-e-s
NHD: So what can I do for you today?
Les: *calmly explains everything that has happened up to this point*
NHD: I need you to press the menu button.
Les: I don't have a menu button.
NHD: What kind of car do you have?
Les: 2006 Dodge Charger.
NHD: Ok, I'll need to put you on hold for just a minute while I find the specs for your particular radio.
Les: That's fine.
"....say you don't know me, or recognize my face. Say you don't care who goes, to that kind of place."
Les: Good lord........
"....knee deep in the hoopla, sinking in your fight. Too many runaways, eating up the.."
Incredibly Cheerful Woman(in a "man, this Xanax is really kicking ass today!" kind of way): I'm so glad that you chose sirius radio, how may I help you today?!!
Les: *again, explains all that has come before*
ICW: Well I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about this!! And I certainly hope that I can help you with this problem!! Can I have your first and last name please?!!
Les: *sigh* Les Battles. B-a-t-t-l-e-s
ICW: Now Les, I have to ask you, is your car outside and does it have a clear view of the sky?!!
Les: Yes.
ICW: And are you currently listening to the weather on channel 184?!!
Les: I'm not receiving a signal. I'm hearing nothing.
ICW: Ok, I need you to press the menu button!!
Les: I don't have a menu button.
ICW: Oh my(no, I'm not making that up either),that is kind of strange. What kind of radio do you have?!!
Les: It's the stereo in my car. It's a 2006 Dodge Charger.
ICW: Hmmmm...........!!
Les: ..................
ICW: Les?!!
Les: Yes.
ICW: Is your truck a Dodge?!!
Les: It's a car. And yes, it's a Dodge.
ICW: Well, I work in the activation department and am going to transfer you to tech support because they'll know what to do!!
Les: fine.
ICW: I'm sorry I couln't help you, but I hope everything works out for you!! I'm going to put you on hold and transfer you to tech support!!!
Les: Thank you.
ICW: Thank you, Les!! And I hope you have a wonderful day!!
Les: Thank you, I hope you do as well.
"......un-break my heart, say you'll love me again. Undo this hurt you caused, when you walked out the door, and walked out of my life. Un-cry these tears, I cried so...."
Helpful Stoner Dude: Thank you for calling Sirius radio tech support, can I have your first and last name?
Les: Yes, Les Battles. B-a-t-t-l-e-s.
HSD: So what kind of problem are you experiencing?
Les: *gently gritting teeth, explaining the situation and praying this poor unsuspecting soul does not commit the ultimate mistake of asking about the DAMN menu button!!!*
HSD: What type of positron elictivatory digirism are you using?
Les: I'm sorry?
HSD: What type of confligortm flimanatistic zygototam are you using?
Les: I don't even know what the hell that is.
HSD: Ok..........what type of unit are you trying to use?
Les: It's a car stereo.
HSD: ??? I'm strictly a plug and play tech.
Les: So what the hell did they transfer me to you for?
HSD: ..........I.....have no idea.
Les: Jesus Christ, this is getting ridiculous.
HSD: Hold on and I'll transfer you to another technician that can....
Les: You know what? Never mind. Put me in touch with a supervisor, because this has gone far enough. Nothing personal against you, but I've had it with this crap!!
HSD: Yes sir, I'm really sorry. I have no idea why they connected you with me. Hold please, and I'll put you in touch with my supervisor.
Les: Great. *good lord, here comes that damned Pulse again*
".....Hey Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey, uh-huh, uh-huh, Hey Mickey....."
*Les finally has a life changing moment and finally understands what suicidal thoughts are really all about.*
Supervisor Lady: This is XXXXXX XXXX, supervisor of tech support. how may I help you?
Les: I have gone through several people so far today, none of them have been able to do a thing for me aside from transfer me to someone else, so I want to cancel my subscription and have my money refunded in full.
SL: I'm sorry to hear that, but you'll need to contact the cancellation department. I'll need to transfer you.
Les: How appropriate.
"....when I dance they call me Macarena, and the boys, they say que soy buena. They all want me, they can't have me, so they come and dance beside me. Move with me, chant..."
Cancellation Stan: This is Stan, can I have your first and last name?
Les: You certainly can! Les Battles! L-e-s B-a-t-t-l-e-s
CS: And what can I do for you today?
Les: I want you to cancel my account and refund every penny.
CS: Can you give me a brief description of your problem.
Les: *gives Stan a full and vividly colorful explanation*
CS: I am VERY sorry that you have experienced these problems. Would you allow me to connect you with tech support one last time to see if.....
Les: No. Please cancel my account and refund my money.
CS: this will take a minute or two, please forgive me.
Les: It's not your fault.
.......a minute or two later.....
CS: Ok, Les. your account is completely cancelled, but you will have to contact your dealer because we have not received payment from them yet.
*stan explains in detail what Les must do when he contacts the dealership*
CS: Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Les: No. Thank you for your time, and have a great day.
CS: Les, will you allow me to.........
*click*
I don't know if any of you have successfully dealt with these people. But I'm completely sworn off of satellite radio for the remainder of my life.
And to think, I didn't even want the damn thing to begin with!
Linear Mode
