Jersey

[stonemonkts]

I'm an old Jersey boy. Born in Paterson back in '58, and raised in a dirtbag suburb a few miles east, 11 miles from the GW bridge.

I haven't lived there in several years, but that fucking place will always be in my blood (or vice versa). Watching "The Sopranos" is like viewing home movies (especially the family gathering scenes, and the outdoor stuff they film back there).

I thought I'd start a thread dedicated to the state everyone typically loves to hate.

Trash it here, reminisce, or call me an asshole for starting it.

As in Jersey, anything goes!

Anyway, and please forgive me for posting this mass mailing (old?) joke list (I hate these things usually) but there are several good ones:

69 Ways to Tell You Are from New Jersey

69. You went to Seaside after your Senior Prom.
68. You watched "Mallrats" and said, "I've been to that mall!" [Even though it was filmed in Minnesota -- B. Bokista]
67. At least half of the people you went to high school with went to Rutgers.
66. You know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
65. Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
64. You long for the days when the Devil wore Christmas colors.
63. You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from NY.
62. You've been to the Meadowlands Fair.
61. You've planned a local trip around passing at least one Dunkin Donuts.
60. You do not think of citrus when people mention the "Oranges."
59. You know that it's called "Great Adventure", not "Six Flags."
58. You actually know bakeries that are not part of a supermarket, but are individual stores.
57. You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
56. You've gone to a diner after drinking all night.
55. You've eaten at that diner at 3 am at least a dozen times.
54. At least 3 people in your family still like Bruce Springsteen.
53. "Anyone who makes bad pizza can bite me!"
52. You always use at least 10 variation of "damn" while driving.
51. You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
50. You once said "It smells like New York in here."
49. You can go bowling at 1:30 am (w/ automatic scoring).
48. In high school, you knew someone who worked at a Friendly's or Stewart's.
47. The Garden State Parkway does not freak you out at night.
46. You know what a "jug handle" is.
45. You have mandatory recycling - enforced by law.
44. You've eaten a porkroll, egg & cheese on a hard roll -- and loved it.
43. You go to the boardwalk at least once a year.
42. You've pondered..."Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets weren't here."
41. You say the words "water", "coffee", "dog" and "whatever", like this "wadder", "cawfee", "dowg" and "wadever".
40. Even your high school cafeteria made good subs.
39. You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and brushfires, but you have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.
38. You can't believe that MTV went to Seaside Heights.
37. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
36. You only go to NYC for day trips.
35. You've run out of money on the Parkway.
34. You're Italian.
33. You know where to get a great bagel.
32. You think Perkins is terrible and should have never opened any restaurants here.
31. There are no self-serve gas stations -- and you like it that way.
30. You have had sex on the beach (not the drink).
29. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
28. The Jet/Giants game has started fights at your local bar.
27. Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.
26. You can't understand why there aren't any 24 hour diners in the rest of the country.
25. You live within 45 minutes of at least 3 different malls.
24. Someone at the beach once called you a "benny."
23. You can see the NYC skyline from some part of your town.
22. You know what MCCC is and a good percentage of people from your high school went there.
21. You've seen or been in a fight over the Rangers and Devils.
20. You have, or know someone who has, Mafia connections.
19. You're related to someone who think the NY Jets should be the New Jersey Jets.
18. You have at least one friend who drives a truck.
17. You've been camping.
16. You've been in a city or town where Spanish is spoken more than English.
15. You can't remember when Clifton didn't win a softball championship.
14. You know where to gets drugs in Trenton, Paterson, Newark or New York.
13. You've been to a party in the woods.
12. You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.
11. You've played in a P.A.L. league.
10. You liked the Jets, even before Bill Parcells.
9. You know where to get a fresh Taylor ham, egg and cheese at 2 am.
8. You don't take no crap from no one.
7. You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.
6. At sometime you got on the wrong highway while trying to leave Willowbrook Mall.
5. Z-100 used to be your favorite, now it's K-Rock.
4. Anything less than 3 inches of snow isn't worth your time.
3. Someone on the road cut you off and you used at least four swear words to tell them what you thought.
2. You think people from South Jersey talk funny.
1. You know someone who lives in a neighborhood with contaminated water, because of toxic chemicals.
• There is no beach, just "the shore". [Submitted by H. Gizzi]
• You know the names of the three Pep Boys. [Submitted by H. Gizzi]
• You know what town Bruce Springsteen is from, which high school he went to and where he lives now. [Submitted by H. Gizzi, C. Middleton]
• You know what town Bon Jovi is from and can spell his real name. [Submitted by H. Gizzi]
• You know where Kevin Smith's comic book store is. You also believe he's the model for the Simpsons' "Comic Book Guy". [Submitted by K. Gobac]
• "Been there . . . been there . . . drove past that . . . shopped there once" -- your response to the opening credits of The Sopranos. [Submitted by C. Middleton]
• You can toss 35 cents out of your driver's side window into a funnel of 12" diameter at 55 mph.
• You've been to two malls in one day. [Submitted by E. Caraballo]
• When you want to know where people live, you ask "Which exit?" [Submitted by M. Zurofsky]
• It's funny how the New Jersey state bird is the third finger on everyone's hand. [Submitted by M. Matelski]
• You can't believe that MTV went to Seaside Heights -- a second time! [Submitted by K. Gobac]
• NJ State Motto: "Road Closed" [Submitted by B. Cardona]
• You can quickly rattle off the names of ten friends whose last names end with an "i" or an "a" -- and five names that begin with an "O". [Submitted by H. M. J.]
• Your sister became a nun and your uncle is under indictment. [Submitted by L. Meisel]
• You're used to that strange smell that people from other states complain about. [Submitted by T. Kernan]
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights do make a left. [Submitted by D. Minich]
• You have ever been through Cowtown on your way to eat the best pizza (Mack and Manco's) in a dry town and have Polish Italian Ice for dessert. [Submitted by P. Meidna]
• Pizza is listed as "Tomato Pies" in the phone book. [Submitted by D. Umeda]
• You know about the southbound speed trap on the Parkway right after the Arts Center. [Submitted by J. Worman]
• Pizza isn't pizza if it doesn't flop in the front with grease dripping off the end. [Submitted by K. Iossa]
• You remember River View Beach and getting there on The Wilson Line. [Submitted by A. Fesser]
• You hate people who think you love Bon Jovi. [Submitted by W. Myers]
• You are a safe driver in New Jersey, but deadly elsewhere. [Submitted by W. Myers]

Originally Posted by stonemonkts

I'm an old Jersey boy. Born in Paterson back in '58, and raised in a dirtbag suburb a few miles east, 11 miles from the GW bridge.

Hah! Also born in Paterson, 8 years later. Folks from Paterson & Newark.

I've seen this list before, but it never fails to amuse, especially as I answer YES right off the bat with Seaside after the Senior Prom!

The pizza stuff is still the main point of nostalgia for me.

[stonemonkts]

A few pictures



Villa Amalfi in Cliffside Park - great Italian food (haven't been there in years, hopefully it is still good)


My dirtbag High School logo


The fucking HS itself; hasn't changed in 30 years.


We used to raid food service carts as kids here (among other things).

[Jon Abbey]

grew up in West Orange, I never really left, although Jersey City really might as well be NYC, snide comments from citydwellers aside.

[Surfer]

Represent.

Cherry Hill / Beach Haven (LBI).

Graduated Cherry Hill West HS in '90 and have never been back. Well maybe 4-5 times to LBI to visit my parents. Other than my mother and father, I have no relatives in NJ, no friends.

I do have many fond memories of LBI, especially in the offseason. I loved walking down to the end of the island at Holgate, and climbing the lighthouse at Barnegat. Surf casting with my grandpa for bluefish, learning to surf in the beachbreak. Surfing Mannasquan and Sandy Beach in HS. Sneaking into Harrahs in Atlantic City underage. Hooking up in Margate.

In Cherry Hill, well, there was the track (where I had my prom and blew all the money my mom gave me on off-track betting before the prom), and the Mall, and well, that's about it.

[stonemonkts]

few more


Bergen County Courthouse in Hackensack - just looking at this picture gives me hives.


Seaside Heights boardwalk. We used to go 'down the shore' every summer for mayhem. I would not be exaggerating if I said Seaside Heights had the highest assholes per capita ratio of any place in the world, maybe ever.


When I was a kid, Teaneck was what we called the "country".

[Enforcer]

Great stuff, stone! I love New Jersey.

[Surfer]

Originally Posted by stonemonkts

I would not be exaggerating if I said Seaside Heights had the highest assholes per capita ratio of any place in the world, maybe ever.

Wildwood.

[stonemonkts]

My Italian grandparents lived literally across the street from the backside of this place, and to me this was nirvana. They had season passes. God, I loved that place.

Their next door neighbor for a few years was none other than Albert Anastasia.

[Root Doctor]

Originally Posted by stonemonkts

I would not be exaggerating if I said Seaside Heights had the highest assholes per capita ratio of any place in the world, maybe ever.

No way, Pat. The parking lot at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA, before and after a Pats game makes Seaside Heights seem like high tea at Harrod's.

[stonemonkts]

One of the best places to eat near the Meadowlands, called Park & Orchard. Oh my they have great food there, and one of the most extensive wine cellars around.

You think you need to travel to Maryland for a great Crab Cake?

Think again.

[John B]

Originally Posted by Root Doctor

No way, Pat. The parking lot at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA, before and after a Pats game makes Seaside Heights seem like high tea at Harrod's.

I think you are seriously short-changing countless Bruins fans at the Fleet Center, RD.

Getting back to Jersey, I'll be heading down to exit 142 on the Parkway for Christmas this year.

[stonemonkts]

Wow, the old Garden State Plaza!

This is where malls had their big start, folks.
I lived a few miles away. We would walk there by trotting along the shoulder of the Garden State Parkway, then duck down to their old lot. Another site of early mayhem and chaos for us.

[Steve Reynolds]

my wife is from Teaneck

I drive the parkway everyday - and I used to drive through exit 142 for years

[moneyp]

With all apologies, I hate it. Hate driving through it, hate staying in it, love leaving it. My least favorite state in the union.

This recent and hysterically funny novel by Sam Lipsyte, is the best
Jersey novel in quite a long time.

[Henry Mars]

Actually, I have been working in Central and North Jersey for the last few weeks.
I am going to East Brunswick this evening.
Two things disturb me about this state.

1.) Whoever designed the road system and the placement of directional signs should be executed for first degree murder. This fiasco has killed more people than anyone I can think of.

2.) I can't carry my gun in NJ. Some of the places I go in Trenton, Patterson and Camden are very dangerous. I feel so safe knowing that NJ's finest will be there to protect me when I get into trouble.

On the other hand I have fond memories of working the Jersey Shore when I was younger. Seaside Heights, LBI (Beach Haven & Surf City), Wildwood.
I also used to hang out in Atlantic City before the casino era.

[stonemonkts]

Originally Posted by mone peterson

With all apologies, I hate it. Hate driving through it, hate staying in it, love leaving it. My least favorite state in the union.

Yeah ok, Beach Boy.

[stonemonkts]

Originally Posted by Henry Mars

2.) I can't carry my gun in NJ. Some of the places I go in Trenton, Patterson and Camden are very dangerous. I feel so safe knowing that NJ's finest will be there to protect me when I get into trouble..

Yeah, I hear you. But maybe you're better off without the gun in those places.

The biggest coke dealer in my hometown was (I kid you not) a local cop. Most dangerous scary fucker I've ever met.

Many years later (not long ago, in fact) this maniac was working in the house next to my Mom's, cutting down a tree. He apparently survived his bad days to live and doctor trees.

I spent those three days I was there ducking his attention.

It's confession time, Catamounts.

It's time you knew the cold soft facts of me. Ever since Principal Fontana found me and commenced to bless my mail slot, monthly, with the Eastern Valley High School Alumni Newsletter, I've been meaning to write my update. Sad to say, vanity slowed my hand. Let a fever for the truth speed it now. Let me stand on the rooftop of my reckoning and shout naught but the indisputable: I did not pan out.

We've got Catamount doctors, after all, Catamount lawyers, brokers, bankers well versed in the Eastern Valley purr. (Okay, maybe it was never quite a purr. Maybe more a surly mewl. But answer me this: Why did we fail so miserably to name this noise with which we spurred our sporting types to conquest? Moreover, why was the mascot of Eastern Valley an animal that prefers elevation? A catamount is a mountain cat, Catamounts!) We've got a state senator, a government chemist, a gold-glove ballplayer, not to mention, according to the latest issue of Catamount Notes, a major label recording artist in our midst.

Yes, fellow alums, we're boasting bright lights aplenty these days, serious comers, future leaders in their fields. Hell, we've even got a fellow who double-majored in philosophy and aquatic life management in college and still found time for a national squash title. Think about it, Catamounts. We didn't have squash at Eastern Valley. We didn't have tennis, either, unless you count that trick with the steel hairbrush and the catgut racquet whereby the butt skin of the weak was flayed. Point being, this boy, Will Paulsen (may he rest in peace), left our New Jersey burg without the faintest notion of squash, yet mastered it enough to beat the pants off every prep school Biff in the land, and still carry a four point zero in the question of Why Does the Universe Exist Underwater?

Is this what Principal Fontana meant by the phrase "well-rounded?"

It's fucking spherical, Catamounts.

Alas, my meager accomplishments appear pale, if not downright pasty, in comparison. I shudder at the notion of Doctor Stacy Ryson and State Senator Glen Menninger remarking on this update at some fund-raising soiree-oh, the snickers, the chortles, the wine-flushed glances, and later, perhaps, the puppyish sucking of body parts at a nearby motor lodge. Shudder, in fact, is not quite the word for the feeling. Feeling is not quite the word for the feeling. How's bathing at knifepoint in the phlegm of the dead? Is that a feeling?

[stonemonkts]

Originally Posted by achilles

This recent and hysterically funny novel by Sam Lipsyte, is the best
Jersey novel in quite a long time.

I'll have to get that. The last good Jersey novel for me was Ford's "The Sportswriter". Very evocative of central NJ where I lived for a spell (few miles from Great Adventure).

Originally Posted by stonemonkts

I'll have to get that. The last good Jersey novel for me was Ford's "The Sportswriter". Very evocative of central NJ where I lived for a spell (few miles from Great Adventure).

Did you like the sequel, INDEPENDENCE DAY, also set in Jersey?

I know Ford a bit, and know he quite likes NJ, he lived there at times, though now he lives mostly in Booth Bay, Maine.

[stonemonkts]

I did like it, although not quite as much.

The scene at the Hall of Fame was so well done, and I can't tell you how many times I've used the Vince Lombardi rest area to meet friends, so that scene was nice too. I read both of them many years ago, but remember enjoying his style, which reminded me a bit of John Updike (I love him, as unpopular as that is on this site).

Originally Posted by stonemonkts

John Updike (I love him, as unpopular as that is on this site).

Those Rabbit books are great, and if someone started a Pennsylvania thread, they'd have to be mentioned.

[Surfer]

Originally Posted by Henry Mars

Actually, I have been working in Central and North Jersey for the last few weeks.
I am going to East Brunswick this evening.
Two things disturb me about this state.

1.) Whoever designed the road system and the placement of directional signs should be executed for first degree murder. This fiasco has killed more people than anyone I can think of.

2.) I can't carry my gun in NJ. Some of the places I go in Trenton, Patterson and Camden are very dangerous. I feel so safe knowing that NJ's finest will be there to protect me when I get into trouble.

On the other hand I have fond memories of working the Jersey Shore when I was younger. Seaside Heights, LBI (Beach Haven & Surf City), Wildwood.
I also used to hang out in Atlantic City before the casino era.

My Dad has worked in Camden for the past 30 years or more.

Interesting fact about LBI (which is nothing more than a 30 mile sandbank really. 4 blocks wide from the bay to the ocean. I remember a few storms growing up where the ocean met the bay, and the entire island was literally underwater), its population goes from 150,000 during the high season to 8,000 in the off season.

I love how this whole thread is about North Jersey.




Hoagies anyone?

[MRS]

Originally Posted by stonemonkts

I'll have to get that. The last good Jersey novel for me was Ford's "The Sportswriter". Very evocative of central NJ where I lived for a spell (few miles from Great Adventure).

Great book. . .I love the part where his friend breaks down and informs him that he's been putting from the rough. The moral of the tale ends up coming out as "some things are better left unsaid".

And no NJ = no WCW

[moneyp]

Originally Posted by stonemonkts

Yeah ok, Beach Boy.

Hey, you said in the first post we could trash it.

Even though I'm not from Jersey, I think "The Sportswriter" is a great book.

[Surfer]

One of the enduring memories of my life is when this thing caught fire back in the late 70s.

They then rebuilt it in '85 I believe, and we had our prom on the 4th floor



which was after I lost $75 on the third floor. But before I invited 50 of my "closest friends" down to LBI.



It has since been demolished and replaced by a large 100 acre+ dirt field.

[Chris D]

It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap...

[Surfer]

I also remember John B's dad telling me and my dad upon first meeting us when John and I were moving into our freshman dorm room, that his only time in Cherry Hill he had been caught in a fire at the Hilton hotel, which he escaped from unharmed I believe.


We're all about the fires in Cherry Hill.

Which, btw, has no hills or cherries.