Mid-Life Crisis II: Stomping on the Creative Urge

[cookie]

Hi Folks. Back again with ruminations on stagnation, resignation, and indignation.

So here's my deal: I find myself actively suppressing the urge to create art. Not just musical art but some visual and political things, too. It bothers and infuriates me, but I feel compelled for my children's sakes to appear "stable". I'm trying so hard to be good. I'm finally "gettin' good", that is, there is demonstrable growth and progress in my life. I'm a better musician and person than I was 20 years ago.

But in the process of being good (and possibly trying to prove to the world that I'm sane and sober), I have been fearful of letting myself follow perfectly benign ideas that are just a bit off-center from the workaday. It's very weird and was never a problem for me when I was crazy and drunk. The problem has grown progressively worse since I put down the bottle. I don't think the alcohol was the *source* of inspiration, but in some ways, maybe it provided the courage. I now need to find that courage someplace else.

Any advice about how to allow my grown-up self access and permission to follow that impulse to create offbeat weirdo stuff?

Help! I'm stuck straight-ahead in the jazzbox and I can't get out!!!

[Gary Sisco]

I wish I did, Cookie, but, musically, something similar happened to me years ago, when I sobered up after many years of carousing and playing while high and intoxicated. I never got the "feeling" after that, though I played, with increasingly less frequency, for a couple of more years afterward. I went in the end for more than ten years without a drop but playing music dropped out along with it. I still haven't understood all of the things that happened in that period, but I know I lost my music muse for a long while and my poetry muse as well, more or less the same time.

I've only in the past less than a year been getting that "feeling" back again and the desire to play some again, and I finally heard my music muse up in the head again recently.

I used to "hear" my songs more than write them; many times I woke up in the morning with a new song and all I had to do was play it to put it into the memory. Sometimes I'd have to fool around and find a middle section or additional verse or what have you but the best of the songs just came to me, special delivery. I used to hear poems the same way, up in my head, and then just write them down.

I didn't have either experience, at all, from 1984 until just this past month or so.

Life itself is different sober, so I guess it's no surprise that one's creative life changes as well. I've known many who've managed to do both, get sober *and* continue on with their creative lives, though, so I'm sure you will as well. You'll just have to find your way there in a different manner than you've been accustomed to. You have a lot of talent so I'm sure you'll find your way.

Having a family is an awful lot to balance with the music life, though, I know (not from experience but from seeing others do it). I don't know many guys (I use the word purposefully for gender specificity) who've managed to do it very well, really, but I have known a couple.

[graypencil]

Cookie:

The only thing I can tell you is I went through a similar situation in that for many years , I couldn't write music unless:

1. There was money involved
2. There was a deadline ( usually a tight one )
3. There was a clear objective involved -by that I mean knowing what the client wanted (because of number 1)

As you can imagine, this led me on a path straight into burnout with music ( not to mention breaking myself of an expensive nose habit I'd acquired putting up with clients and feigning enthusiasm )

When I "retired" in 97, I never intended to have anything to do with music again ..

but:

eventually, I began to view music as a serious HOBBY, and before I knew it, I was actually enjoying the creative process again and only writing to please MYSELF on my own terms.

I guess my point here is, relax and give yourself some space ..if the music is in you ( and we know it is ) it will gradually come to be easier for you again naturally.

hope dat helps!

[Gentle Giant]

I don't have personal experience with what you're experiencing now, cookie. But I think that Gary and GP are giving good advice. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be one way or another, or to maintain results tied to an old process in a new mode of living that you're still getting used to.

This may sound cliche, and I bet you've been saying it to yourself for months, but forgive yourself. Be patient, be accepting, and be open. Listen to the small, still voice inside. Art comes from experiences, not just bad (or "bad") experiences. Start small, or don't start at all. Maybe there's a new calling for you at this time. Maybe there's a reason you are in a transition.

Like I said, all I have are words to offer, not experience. Words, and words of support. Good luck.

[cookie]

Gentlemen: I sincerely thank you for taking the time to think about and share your thoughts with me. There is some good stuff in all of your responses and they make me feel hopeful.

Music per se isn't the problem. I'm happiest on the stand or at the piano or by the disc player. I have inspiration. The problem is that I have been suppressing more jagged sparks of creativity. I love singing old standards and I love what I do and I'm just in joy love with the straight-ahead thing. My specific problem is that there is another whole set of creative thoughts that have little or nothing to do with that world.

It's hard. I backed the cursur up six times before I gathered the courage to do this, so here goes:I'm talking about songs where I want to swear or talk about very dark very personal things. I'm talking about drawing scenes of violence and screaming about the world. I'm talking about "decorating" womens' magazines with feminist reaction.

I'm forcing myself not to be fierce.

The irrational part of it is that I'm afraid to create my weirdo stuff even for myself. That's the new part of it for me. I didn't have that fear as a child, and I didn't have it when I was drunk. I'd try anything.

Well, now I have ideas, and I'm afraid to try them. It's really silly. Oy.

You all have given me much to think about, and again, I appreciate your time and thoughts. Thank you.

[Mike Schwartz]

"The irrational part of it is that I'm afraid to create my weirdo stuff even for myself. That's the new part of it for me. I didn't have that fear as a child, and I didn't have it when I was drunk. I'd try anything."

Start in the shower...no kidding [why not?]

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by cookie

It's hard. I backed the cursur up six times before I gathered the courage to do this, so here goes:I'm talking about songs where I want to swear or talk about very dark very personal things. I'm talking about drawing scenes of violence and screaming about the world. I'm talking about "decorating" womens' magazines with feminist reaction.

I'm forcing myself not to be fierce.

Well, that struck a chord (sorry). I wrote songs (rock/pop/r&b--honestly, I have a hard enough time coming up with something--anything--if I started worrying about styles I'd never get anything out) for years, recorded a few, mostly forgot about them. Now I'm working with a partner, trying to do something "serious" on the notorious AAA front (adult/alternative/album, or something like that) and man, it's tough.

It was a lot easier when I was happy to come up with anything at all. Now I'm realizing that it isn't enough to be clever with lyrics--I've got to actually draw on my own emotions to get something that might be considered by others to be genuinely moving. Whoa, that's difficult! That's WORK, fa cryin' out loud. Oh, and I've still gotta be clever and entertaining and not too obscure, but be ambiguous enough that somebody might want to hear it more than once...and it's MAKING ME NUTS because all this "do this/don't do that" is screwing up whatever creative urge I had in the first place.

So in fact what I have to do is ignore all those strictures and get down in the damn muck and grunt and writhe and swear and BE REAL, and if it works out, great, and if it doesn't work out, well, tough shit. And that's my advice to you: Dive in. It's already hard enough to say what you mean without having to worry about what somebody might think.

[Gary Sisco]

Much truth there, Doc, and Cookie.

So go ahead and be fierce, Cookie. You gotta go with what you feel. Whether people dig it or not is another question. The important thing is that you dig your own expression, however unexpected it might be to others. Matters not. The real thing comes out when you come out as you are.

And you can always do both, the standards and the fierce. No law says you have to do the one or the other, girlfriend.

[Gentle Giant]

First off, don't self-censor. Let it out, then you can look at it for what it is and decide if it has value and is worth your continuing energy. Maybe it's just something you need to get out. Maybe it's a new direction for you. But I wouldn't advocate keeping any creative impulse inside, dark or light. Having dark thoughts and dark inspirations doesn't make you a dark or bad person. It just makes you a more well-rounded artist.

[Dr Dave]

Originally Posted by Gentle Giant

Having dark thoughts and dark inspirations doesn't make you a dark or bad person. It just makes you a more well-rounded artist.

Thanks, I'm gonna post that on the refrigerator....

[cookie]

That *is* a good one, GG.

Again, thanks guys. This is what I did:

I went to the craft store and I bought paper and pens. I began doodling in my journal. Drawing soothes me even if I'm drawing angry stuff.

I sat at the piano and addressed a couple of old unfinished/undeveloped compositions. Sort of a picking up where I left off kind of thing. The compositions are both good, but haven't been commited to paper yet. It occured to me that writing down these pieces might be a way to clear my head of them (or wash my hands of them)!

I also went out tonight and made some money making music and helping other people make music and hanging out listening to and dancing to music. Maybe my problem isn't so much an issue of stomping on creative urge as much as it's a matter of there aren't enough hours in the day!

But I'm going to keep drawing. It's a good outlet for some things I can't seem to put into music quite yet.

Again, thanks, folks.

[violetsformyfurs]

i know this guy that writes crazy tunes
like "You Dumped me you f***ing B****" over a fast kind of rhythm changes thing that is hilarious.

i think that sometimes we (females) are too concerned about what people think of us. especially jazz singers. we just really aren't allowed to be a**holes the way alot of instrumentalist are. dinah is the only one that i can think of that was evil.abbey lincoln was a real b*** last time i saw her. but in general we just are too nicey. partially our expectations and party others expectations. thats why kurt cobain is an icon and courtney love is a b***. thats why i use **** instead of swearing like the guys on the site
miles and freddie can cuss people out and still be cool but watch out if you're a singer.

[Gentle Giant]

Originally Posted by violetsformyfurs

i know this guy that writes crazy tunes
like "You Dumped me you f***ing B****" over a fast kind of rhythm changes thing that is hilarious.

i think that sometimes we (females) are too concerned about what people think of us. especially jazz singers. we just really aren't allowed to be a**holes the way alot of instrumentalist are. dinah is the only one that i can think of that was evil.abbey lincoln was a real b*** last time i saw her. but in general we just are too nicey. partially our expectations and party others expectations. thats why kurt cobain is an icon and courtney love is a b***. thats why i use **** instead of swearing like the guys on the site
miles and freddie can cuss people out and still be cool but watch out if you're a singer.

Dinah was evil? Tell me more. Now, Nina I can see being evil. But again, nothing bad about being bad if what you're doing sounds good!

[VIBEr]

Graypencil has an interesting observation about music becoming a serious hobby after he retired, and I've always held the opinion that there is music I play for recreation and music played or written for the purpose of providing a service - sometimes they overlap, but if they don't, that's okay as well.

[cookie]

Originally Posted by Gentle Giant

Dinah was evil? Tell me more. Now, Nina I can see being evil. But again, nothing bad about being bad if what you're doing sounds good!

Dinah Washington was notoriously salty and outspoken. Apparently, she wasn't the kind of woman to hold back.

Yeah, part of it is that I've developed nice-girl syndrome. That's what's driving me nuts. There is a lot of pressure to conform in mainstream jazz singing. Maybe because we see that who gets the money in this business are the pretty and the mostly demure and benign. For instance, I will admit that the reason I stopped wearing my hair in a buzz-cut is that it made some folks mildly uncomfortable with my perceived sexuality or perceived health. It was recommended by the instrumentalists around me and by close fans/friends that I should grow my hair. I did and though I hate to say it, it did make a difference in how people treat me.

Here are a couple of non-mainstream things I would like to do:

I'd like to participate in a free-jazz group and have even considered doing a solo voice performance just for the hell of it. Free music is like mental floss for me. It's a way to break away from changes and familiar melodies.

I want to form a punk band. I'd play bass. My fantasy punk band would be an all chick band and we'd call ourselves The Ramonas or Penis Envy. That way I could divorce myself from my pretty voice and SCREAAAAAAAM!!!!

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

Originally Posted by cookie

Maybe my problem isn't so much an issue of stomping on creative urge as much as it's a matter of there aren't enough hours in the day!

That's what I find, that the sheer number of must-do projects and commitments impacts my time, and time is essential to working/playing on something new. Of course, it's a two-way street, Cookie -- a lot of our responsibilities began as creative adventures. "In dreams begin responsibilities." (Delmore Schwartz)

[Noj]

I can relate to your frustration, Cookie--though probably not to the same degree since I don't have children to look after. I have to have a regular paycheck to pay bills, but I desperately want to illustrate full time. Working 40 hours a week drains me of my energy and I have a hard time making time to work on my portfolio. I've started going to night school, and I find that having something scheduled works wonders for breaking out of the cycle of not doing what you want to be doing.

So, my advice would be to try and designate a time every week when you will work on your punk rock thing. Maybe a second scheduled time to work on your free jazz thing. Make them a part of your weekly routine. Once you get in the rhythm, it will feel as normal as any other activity you do regularly. How you'll do this on top of being of a Mom is probably more difficult than I can fathom.

[Sergio Zamora]

Cookie, get a few Diamanda Galas cds for inspiration.

[Root Doctor]

Originally Posted by cookie

My fantasy punk band would be an all chick band and we'd call ourselves The Ramonas

They're waiting for you, Cookie:

http://www.ramonas.net/

[graypencil]

Originally Posted by Gentle Giant

First off, don't self-censor. Let it out, then you can look at it for what it is and decide if it has value and is worth your continuing energy. ....... Having dark thoughts and dark inspirations doesn't make you a dark or bad person. It just makes you a more well-rounded artist.

GG has provided an excellent way for all of us to look at the creative process. Go for it! ( that approach worked for Tori Amos and the late Laura Nyro and some very stark overwhelming music came outta both )

[cookie]

GP: it's funny you should mention Laura Nyro. Her brother Jan Nigro runs a children's pop show-choir that sings songs about values and peace called Vitamin L. My son happens to be in the choir and he had his first gig with them was today. One of their songs is called "Express Yourself" and carried a message of going ahead and dancing, or drawing, or singing or whatever you want to do no matter how silly or wrong people might think you are. I'm an old curmudgeon who finds show-choir, especially a children's show choir of the goody-goody variety, a bit out of my comfort zone (though quite frankly, Jan's music itself is very, very good). But I felt like they were singing that song for me and it expressed everything that you all are reminding me of here.

I should go see the Ramonas! Maybe my Ramones band could be called the Ramoniques or the Ramone-istics.....

[Sergio Zamora]

Originally Posted by cookie

...Ramone-istics.....

Early NY Punk meets Philly Soul - now you're talking!!

[Steve Reynolds]

cookie:

life is different when one finds a new way to live

at least it is for me

and my inspiration to write about and listen to music comes and goes


but I am now hearing it better and clearer than ever before, I think


when I'm right

but for me it is a process of rejuvination that will last a lifetime

[Jazzooo]

Cookie,

I'm late to this thread. One of the things that has helped me stretch beyond my comfort zone artistically is the realization that practically no one is listening in the first place! Although this bugs me, it also liberates me--it negates the worry that I will be judged harshly for following my urges. It also helps me isolate criticisms from people close to me--unless they all agree, then it's just one person's opinion. That has always made it easier for me to understand criticism.

At 50, with over a dozen albums behind me, I still feel optimistic that my best work lies ahead. I might be wrong, but I'm probably not. I've managed to not repeat myself stylistically so far and that is probably my biggest accomplishment so far. It's even down to the point where I won't use the same instrumentation from project to project. It keeps me on my toes.

I hope in 6 months, you will post about looking back on this crossroads and tell us how happy you are that you forged ahead in Feb or 2006.

[violetsformyfurs]

Originally Posted by Gentle Giant

Dinah was evil? Tell me more. Now, Nina I can see being evil. But again, nothing bad about being bad if what you're doing sounds good!

I have heard directly from Quincy Jones and Sonny Buxton that Dinah could be evil. You di not want to cross this woman. Many blame on the diet pills she was taking (ultimately lead to her early death) but others say nahh, she was like that anyway.

Her label didn't want to let an unknow young Quincy write her arrangements and boy she was a bitch until they relented. Her final tactic was "losing her voice" until they agreed at which point she suddenly found it.

Another time someone said something that didn't agree with her at a huge label after party and there was a lavish buffet spread. That guy got smacked in the face with a turkey, she then lifted up the whole table and the food went flying onto the floor on to him.

Mary Stalling said on time when she was really young she came after a gig dressed really nice to some place in the Fillmore and sat in. Jimbo's, I think. And Dinah came up to her after and said, "Not bad singing but that dress is hideous."

[Gentle Giant]

I don't care. If she was still alive and I had the chance to meet her, I'd go up and give her a kiss on the cheek and say thank you. Love that lady!