jokes

[graypencil]

the inevitable Gallic one liners:


How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows, they've
never done it.

The French have just ordered a new national flag. It's a white cross on a
white background.

Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Ulysses? So the Germans
could march in the shade.

Where do you find 60 million French jokes? In France.

What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup squad?
A Wonderbra has decent support - and a cup.

What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast? You can make soldiers
out of toast.

Define confusion: Father's Day in Paris.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop

What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
To say "I surrender" in German.

Why was Jesus not born in France? Because they couldn't find three wise
men or a virgin.

Jacques Chirac walked into a bar with a parrot on his head and the
landlord
said: "How did that happen?" The parrot said: "It all started as a little
pimple on my ass."

Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris? Because
every time they go off, people start trying to surrender.

Why do the French eat snails? It gives them speedy reactions.

What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf? The
Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle - in the line of
fire - to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to
his HQ. The officer said: "I'm recommending you for a medal for risking
your life to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?" said the soldier. "Sacré bleu! I thought you said
whorehouses!"


I thought "sacre bleu" was fellatio performed by a smurf nun

boom -CHING!

[Jimmy J]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war."

[Tom Storer]

GP,

This was told to me by a French woman soon after I moved to Paris: What is the difference between a cow chewing its cud and a GI chewing his gum?

Answer: There is none - except the brief glimmer of intelligence that sometimes flashes in the eyes of the cow.

[Brian Olewnick]

Random war news generator at:

http://wayreth.onegeek.org/~ctl/breaking_news.pl

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[bluenoter]

Not a joke, but welcome, SqDC! Glad you made it!

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

Thanks, Rita! Only got on through the good graces and endless patience of Lois and mone!

With everybody posting in technicolor and with pictures -- Uli even has these little cartoons going for him!! -- I feel technologically disadvantaged. I'm sure the stuff's not hard, my son could help me learn it, but the with daytime school dances starting up in earnest now and 2-3 dances a day getting to be the norm between now and mid-June, I don't think I'm going to be able to get it soon. I dig the graphics, though.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

an oldie but a goodie


TAOISM -- Shit happens.

HINDUISM -- All this shit has happened before.

BUDDHISM -- Shit happens, but is it really shit?

ZEN -- What is the sound of one shit happening?

CONFUCIANISM -- Confucius say, Shit happens.

JUDAISM -- So why does all this shit always happen to me?

CATHOLICISM -- Shit happens, but I deserve it.

PROTESTANISM -- All this shit wouldn't happen if I worked harder.

7th DAY ADVENTIST -- All the good shit happens on Saturday.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES -- Knock, knock: Shit happens.

UNITARIANISM -- What is all this shit?

RASTAFARIANISM -- Let's smoke this shit!

[graypencil]

trombone positions:


>> F first position (slide about as short as it
>> can get)
>> E second position (slide extended a little)
>> Eb third position
>> D fourth position
>> Db fifth position
>> C sixth position
>> B seventh position (slide almost fully
>> extended)


There are several more positions:

8th position: OFF.
9th: On floor
10th: Airborne
11th: In the back of the head of sax player in front of trombone section
12th: In the chest of some asshole conductor
13th: Up the girl singer's dress
14th: Jamming airport security systems
15th: Used as radio antenna to receive ballgame
16th: Jack handle to change tire.
17th: Burger flipper.
18th: Divining rod
19th: Dual parallel test tube
20th: Pawn shop window
21th: Branding iron
22th: Prison bars
23th: Replacement McDonald Golden Arch
24th: In repair shop vice

[Douglas]

CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction

[Douglas]

An airplane is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but only four parachutes. The first passenger says: "I am Peter Schmeichel, the best goalkeeper in the world and Manchester United needs me". He grabs a parachute and jumps out. The next passenger is Hilary Clinton, and she says: "I am the former leading lady, the most engaged woman in the world, and the possible first female president of the US". She, too grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The third passenger is George Bush, and he says: "I am the president of the United States. I have a huge responsibility for the world politics. Besides that, I'm also the smartest president of our history, so I cannot justify my death to my people". He grabs a parachute and jumps out. The fourth passenger is the Pope. He says to the fifth passenger whom is a ten-year-old schoolboy: "I am an old man. I have lived my life as a good person and priest, so I leave the last parachute to you".

To this, the schoolboy answers: "That's no problem, there's a parachute for the both of us. The smartest man of the United States took my schoolbag!"

[GoodSpeak]

Bluenoter made me post this here...sheesh. Picky, picky.


This is better if you read it aloud....

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and
sits down. He bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in
Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
served a beer. The
bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We
don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve
me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as
promised, eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

.........You're gonna love this..........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate."

[Douglas]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,

"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"What?" responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[GoodSpeak]

The RULES

We always hear “the Rules” from the female side. Now, here are the rules from the MALE side. These are OUR rules! [Please note: They are all listed as #1 on purpose!]

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up…put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines Day and Anniversaries are NOT quests to see if we can find the perfect gift…yet again.

1. Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it
.
1. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be
.
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the biggest reasons guys fear marriage is that married women ALWAYS cut their hair, and by then…you’re stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. ASK for what you want. Let us be clear on this point: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! OBVIOUS hints do not work! Just SAY it!

1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help in solving it. That is what we DO. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A “headache” that lasts 17 months is a serious problem. See a doctor.

1. CHECK YOUR OIL!


1. If you won’t dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect US to act like the soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat…you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways will make you sad or angry…we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want that something done. Not BOTH. If you already know the best way to do it, do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were dating. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what “mauve” is.

1. We are NOT mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is NOT proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, “nothing”, we will act like nothing is wrong. Simple?

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect to get an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes
.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Peanuts are as exciting to us as handbags are to you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind…it’s like camping.

[bluenoter]

Bluenoter made me post this here...sheesh. Picky, picky.

That's right, GS, I made you do it. And now I'm going to make you empty out your bank accounts and send me all your money.

[GoodSpeak]

Um...OK.

Is a check good enough?














BTW, it'll be the first check on the moon...I OWE the bank money.

sheesh.

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath
some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and
lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your
cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his
cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have
some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets
hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of
cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says,
"Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little
boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

[Gary Delligatti]

Whattya call a smart blonde?

"Golden Retriever"

I tell ya I gotta million of 'em

Just say no.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared
in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to
show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

..O...o

..and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and
this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor,
I persuaded! 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

..o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your butthole before
prison, ..."

Invaders from the planet Spandex

[mjb]

Watch out Mac

[moneyp]

Originally posted by mjb
Watch out Mac

Excellent!

[mjb]

Originally posted by mone peterson
Excellent!

I have no idea if it is accurate but funny is funny ...

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally posted by Tom Storer
GP,

This was told to me by a French woman soon after I moved to Paris: What is the difference between a cow chewing its cud and a GI chewing his gum?

Answer: There is none - except the brief glimmer of intelligence that sometimes flashes in the eyes of the cow.

After reading this joke, I no longer wonder why the French think Jerry Lewis is a genius.

I have no idea if it is accurate but funny is funny ...

Well, I had to use an Apple when I worked in the X-ray department in order to send images to the doctors home computers. And I can tell you, most of that is VERY true.

[graypencil]

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter=Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash=1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God=1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour=Knot furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling=1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone=1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine=1 semicolon

1000 aches=1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis=1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes=A straight line

453.6 graham crackers=1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones=1 megaphone

1 million bicycles=2 megacycles

365.25 days=1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds=2 kilomockingbirds

10 cards=1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs=1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks=1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish=1 microfiche

1 trillion pins=1 terrapin

10 rations=1 decoration

100 rations=1 C-ration

2 monograms=1 diagram

8 nickels=2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital=1 I.V. League

500 millionaries=1 seminary

5 dialogues=1 decalogue

2 wharves=1 paradox

1/2 bath=1 demijohn

1 million billion picolos=1 gigolo

10 millipedes=1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents=1 decadent

10 monologs=5 dialogues

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier=Mach Turtle

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Personality!

**

A woman in an agitated state comes up to the pharmacy window and demands, "I need a big bottle of arsenic!"

"For what?" asks the pharmacist.

"For my husband. He's having an affair."

"I can't give you arsenic to poison your husband!"

"But look! Just look at this!" And she shows him a photograph of her husband making love with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "That's different! I didn't know you had a prescription."

**

Jesus comes upon a scene of a group of villagers stoning an accused harlot. He stands protectively in front of the woman, and tells the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

A rock goes whizzing past his face, hits the harlot square in the head, and drops her dead.

Jesus turns to the crowd, in the direction of where the stone came from, and says, "You know, mom, you're really starting to piss me off."

**

The reason it's so hard for a single woman to find a sensitive, caring, attractive man is that all of them already have boyfriends.

**

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a blonde guy are construction workers on the 20th floor of a new high rise, complaining about their lunches. The Irishman says, "If I get corned beef one more time I'm going to jump off this building!"

The Mexican says, "I'm sick of it, too -- if I get another burrito tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The blonde guy, "And if I get bologna again, I'm jumping, too."

The next day, the Irishman gets corned beef again, and jumps to his death. The Mexican gets another burrito, jumps. The blonde guy gets bologna, jumps.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife is sobbing, "If I knew how much he hated corned beef, I'd have given him some potatoes."

The Mexican's wife sobs, "I would have made him tacos or enchiladas, I didn't know."

The blonde guy's wife says, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunches."

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

2004 GOP BUMPER STICKERS

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
Bush/Cheney '04: Get used to it!
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time.
Bush/Cheney '04: Or else.
Bush/Cheney '04: Over a 87 billion Whoppers served.
Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.
Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"
Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!

WHY REDNECKS ARE NOT PARAMEDICS

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one
of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back
in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it
easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[graypencil]

ILLEGAL CORKING OF TRUMPET

AP Los Angeles, CA - September 1 -

World famous trumpet player Buddy Childers was discovered playing with an illegally corked trumpet last week.

Childers's spit valve was found to be covered with a 1 inch cork instead of the proper 1/2 inch cork. Some experts suggested that this would have given Childers a two-octave advantage over those who stayed within the rules.

A storm seems to be brewing over the scandal. Spokesmen for the cork industry have claimed unfair labor practice and a fifty-year worker in
the field of cork, Lem Cratch, who described himself as America's leading cork-soaker is quoted as saying "It just ain't fair."

A congressional investigation is in the offing according to Washington insiders. Jack Sheldon is rumored to be the first witness. Hollywood musicians stated unequivocally that what Sheldon doesn't know about cork isn't worth knowing.

A full-scale public demonstration broke out in Cork, Ireland with angry citizens hurling corks of all sizes at the embattled police. One indignant Irishman dared the police to fire cork bullets. That suggestion is now under consideration.

Childers dilemma was summed up by the ex-Kenton star when poignantly asked, "if I was such a rule-breaker, what about Dizzy Gillespie?--he had no spit valve on the horn. No spit-valve, no cork and a bell that pointed to the moon?" The answer has to be...that was then, Buddy. Today we follow the rules, or we break them and we're forgiven by the public. Everybody wins.

"And besides," said Childers,"if I had such an advantage, why wasn't I getting more work?"

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Our friend SinginSumo sent me this one:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a** hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."







"No ****??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"