Favorite Seinfeld Dialogue

[Gordon B]

Kramer: Yello?

Jerry: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<

George: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!

Jerry: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!

George: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!

Jerry: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?

[Scott Dolan]

Kramer: I'm out!!

[bluenoter]

I've seen only one episode of Seinfeld: the one about the chocolate babka.* It was okay, I guess.

*The Dinner Party, episode #77

[Scott Dolan]

Man, they'll put ANYTHING in Wikipedia!!

Blue, you've GOT to check out "The Contest" episode I'm quoting from in my previous post. Even an uptight broad like you ( KIDDING!) would appreciate it.

[Cem]

"Deloreeees!!"

[bluenoter]

Originally Posted by Scott Dolan

Man, they'll put ANYTHING in Wikipedia!!

Blue, you've GOT to check out "The Contest" episode I'm quoting from in my previous post. Even an uptight broad like you ( KIDDING!) would appreciate it.

Well, thanks, Scott, but I don't have a DVD player or a VCR. Besides, I just read about that one in Wikipedia too. Eh.

Look, someone in North America has to fail to appreciate Seinfeld.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Damn, there were so many great dialogues in Seinfeld. I can't remember which episode it was in but the dialogue that always makes me laugh out loud is between George and his boss as George is being fired for having sex on his desk with the cleaning lady after hours. Trying to plead his case and grasping at straws George says something like, "Well, if I knew that sort of thing was frowned upon...." as he's cut off in mid-sentence by the boss who repeats, "You're fired!". George slinks out of the office.............

[Nefertiti]

Originally Posted by Jimmy Cantiello

I can't remember which episode it was in but the dialogue that always makes me laugh out loud is between George and his boss as George is being fired for having sex on his desk with the cleaning lady after hours. Trying to plead his case and grasping at straws George says something like, "Well, if I knew that sort of thing was frowned upon...." as he's cut off in mid-sentence by the boss who repeats, "You're fired!". George slinks out of the office.............

George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.

Boss: You're fired.

George: Well you didn't have to say it like that.

Boss: I want you out of here by the end of the day.

http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheRedDot.htm

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Thanks, Nefertiti! Here's the dialogue I was talking about......

In the boss' office.

Boss: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?

George: Who said that?

Boss: She did.

George: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ingnorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.

Boss: You're fired.

George: Well you didn't have to say it like that.

Boss: I want you out of here by the end of the day.

George: What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there?

[Brian Olewnick]

Originally Posted by bluenoter

Look, someone in North America has to fail to appreciate Seinfeld.

You and me make two, Rita.

[Rob C]

Kramer: I got no peristalsis!

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Originally Posted by Brian Olewnick

You and me make two, Rita.

Brian, you don't appreciate Seinfeld because you have not grasped the concept of a show about nothing. Once you do that the genious of the show will become apparent to you.............

[Jon Abbey]

not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Root Doctor]

George Costanza: They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry.

Jerry: Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.

[Gentle Giant]

Helena: Hello Kramer.

Kramer: Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?

Helena: I haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?

Kramer: Well, that's only uh, 58 years.

Helena: It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?

Kramer: Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right?

Helena: No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.

Kramer: Uh huh, right.

Helena: But, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful
mistake.

Kramer: Right.

Helena: Moe hits Curly with an axe,

Kramer: Uh huh.

Helena: The Stooges catch the kidnappers,

Kramer: Right.

Helena: But it's too late.

Kramer: Really.

Helena: The baby's dead.

Kramer: Really?

Helena: The boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.

Kramer: Well I don't remember that part.

Helena: I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.

Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good.

Helena: Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.

Kramer: Well, that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.

[Root Doctor]

JERRY: (to George) Again with the sweat pants?

GEORGE: What? I'm comfortable.

JERRY: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Root, that was another one of my favorites..........

[claude]

Bubble Boy: OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD!

GEORGE: All right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?

Bubble Boy: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.

GEORGE: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.

Bubble Boy: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.

GEORGE: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.

Bubble Boy: IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S NO MOOPS.

GEORGE: It's MOOPS.

Bubble Boy: MOORS.

GEORGE: MOOPS,

Bubble Boy: MOORS!

[Jimmy Cantiello]

HELEN: I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.

JERRY: Horses. They're like big riding dogs.

ELAINE: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies..

JERRY: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

MANYA: ..I had a pony.

(The room is dead quiet)

JERRY: ..Well, I didn't really mean a pony, per se.

MANYA: (Angry) When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony, ..So, what's wrong with that?

JERRY: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressting..

HELEN: Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee?

MANYA: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.

JERRY: Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?

MANYA: You! You said so!

JERRY: No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at the time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars..

MANYA: That's it! I've had enough! (She leaves the room)

ISAAC: Have your coffee, everyone. She's a little upset. It's been an emotional day.

(Isaac leaves, everyone looks at Jerry)

JERRY: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that?

I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony?

Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong?

[Chris D]

JERRY: Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?

GEORGE: Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.

JERRY: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?

GEORGE: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: "We don't care, and it shows."

[Gentle Giant]

Sorry for the long post, but the whole damn scene is amazing.

The Intervention

To Elaine

GUY: The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a

kid so I have to stick tissue up there

ELAINE: (very uninterested) Uh, you have to work like that?

GUY: Nobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.

To Jerry

OTHER GUY: Are there any ice cubes?

JERRY: In the freezer.

OTHER GUY: I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.

JERRY: Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.

OTHER GUY: I can't drink this. It's warm! (walks away)

Guy: Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?

Steve: What's the plan?

JERRY: Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.

OTHER GUY: Well, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.

GUY: No, we all have to talk.

ELAINE: What's the order?

GUY: We'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.

ROBERTA: Why am I first?

ELAINE: Albano is your last name.

ROBERTA: That's not my name any more. I'm divorced.

Steve: I'll go first.

Kramer enters

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: Hey.

KRAMER: Is this the interference?

JERRY: Intervention.

OTHER GUY: What are you doing here?

KRAMER: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?

Steve: Hey, this is for close friends only.

KRAMER: I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade

over Marty Benson's head?

OTHER GUY: Let him stay.

KRAMER: Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.

Steve: Somebody's going to make that crap?

Some old guys enter

Old Guy: Kramer!

KRAMER: Hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.

OTHER GUY: They can't stay.

Old Guy: We're having a party here?

JERRY: No, we're having an intervention

Old Guy: An intervention? Who's intervening?

JERRY: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.

OLD GUY: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped

coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a

polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"

Buzzer

GUY: It's him.

Roberta: What should we do?

ELAINE: Hide!

JERRY: It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)

GEORGE: It's George

JERRY: Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him.

GUY: If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.

ELAINE: Look, I don't think this is appropriate right now.

GUY: Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?

ELAINE: You're getting warm.

George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful)

GEORGE: We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on.

JERRY: We're having the intervention for Richie.

GEORGE: Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?

JERRY: Well, uh..

NOEL: (happily) Elaine, hi.

ELAINE: Oh, hi Noel

(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them)

JERRY: Well, you're looking well.

GEORGE: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man."

I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.

Steve: Even if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on.

GEORGE: (to Kramer) This man is a genius. Genius!

Steve: You think so?

GEORGE: I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you

Old Man: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.

ELAINE: (Chuckles)

Old GUY; at least give me a pocket.

ELAINE: (laughs)

Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven

NOEL: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.

ELAINE: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry.

Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg.

NOEL: You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.

JERRY: I didn't know she would laugh.

NOEL: You lied to me George, you lied to me.

GEORGE: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?

NOEL: I ... am breaking up ... with you!

GEORGE: You can't break up with me. I've got hand.

NOEL: And you're going to need it.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

George and Jerry at Monk's.


George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?


Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'?

[Scott Dolan]

Hahahahaha..........

[Root Doctor]

JERRY: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?

BOOKMAN: You got any coffee?

JERRY: Coffee?

BOOKMAN: Yeah. Coffee.

JERRY: No, I don't drink coffee.

BOOKMAN: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?

JERRY: No, I don't have--

BOOKMAN: You don't have any instant coffee?

JERRY: Well, I don't normally--

BOOKMAN: Who doesn't have instant coffee?

JERRY: I don't.

BOOKMAN: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.

JERRY: Really? I'll have to remember that.

BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971.

JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.

BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.

JERRY: I try.

BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

JERRY: No, I don't.

BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?

JERRY: Certainly not.

BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean
anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe
that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and
your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!

[clinthopson]

"They're real and they're spectacular!"

[Jimmy Cantiello]

[setting: Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)

JERRY: No eight years isn't such a long streak.

ELAINE: It isn't?

JERRY: No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.

ELAINE: Get out!

JERRY: Not since June 29, 1980.

ELAINE: You remember the date?

JERRY: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."

ELAINE: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.

JERRY: Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.

ELAINE: Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up)

JOANNE: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah?

JOANNE: Yeah. What's his name?

ELAINE: Joel.

JOANNE: Joel what?

ELAINE: Uh... Rifkin.

MICHAEL: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?

ELAINE: Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.

MICHAEL: Guess you better keep on his good side.

ELAINE: Very funny. That's very funny.

JOANNE: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.

ELAINE: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.

MICHAEL: Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car...

ELAINE: (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up!

[Root Doctor]

GARY: Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been living a lie.

GEORGE: Just one? I'm living like twenty.

[walto]

GEORGE: What is Pericles?

ALEX TREBEK: Pericles is correct.

JERRY: Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Hey, you got any matches?

JERRY: Middle drawer.

GEORGE: Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

ALEX TREBEK: We were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'

KRAMER: Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)

JERRY: Hello?

KATIE: Jerry.

JERRY: Oh hi, Katie.

KATIE: I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.

JERRY: Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.

GEORGE: What is Borax?

ALEX TREBEK: Yes, you're right.

KATIE: They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer enters)

KRAMER: Ashtrays?

JERRY: No, I don't have any ashtrays.

KRAMER: Ooh, cereal bowls.

KATIE: Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it.

JERRY: No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)

KRAMER: All right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)

GEORGE: What is Tungsten or Wolfram?

ALEX TREBEK: We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'.

JERRY: Is this a repeat?

GEORGE: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.

JERRY: Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.

GEORGE: You think?

JERRY: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)

GEORGE: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Shouldn't that be "Who is Pericles? Just saying.........

[Jimmy Cantiello]

No doubt Jerry and George engaged in some of the most compelling conversations of the series........


[Jerry and George at Monks]

George: I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"

Jerry: I know what you mean.

George: Do ya?

Jerry: It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.

George: Same thing!

Jerry: Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.

George: Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?

Woman: What do you think? You want to give him the catsup?

Man: It's up to you.

Woman: You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.

Jerry: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?

George: Nah - what for?

Jerry: To see a movie.

George: I've been to the movies.

Jerry: Not this movie.

George: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.

Jerry: Did you shower today?

George: Yeah.

Jerry: That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.

George: When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!

Jerry: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.

George: Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health.

Woman: All right, we're done. You can have it now.

George: Oh, very gracious.