Fake Poop

[Monte Smith]

I bought some fake poop today. Yeah, my friend Matt is putting the final touches on a house he's built for himself in North Carolina and the housewarming party is in a few weeks. So, I had to go get the fake poop.

Walk into Spencer's Gifts at the mall. Place is a mess. "Sorry, sir. We're switching over to our Halloween inventory, so everything's all over the place right now. Something I can help you find?"

"Yes. Do you have any fake poop?"

"We do! Right over here. Oops, watch out there. Don't slip on those."

"What is that?"

"Plush dangle breasts, sir. To hang from your rearview mirror instead of fuzzy dice."

"I'm not a fool, man. I can see that those are plush dangle breasts. I mean this. What is this? It looks like a plastic finger."

"It's the pull-my-finger pen, sir. You pull it and it makes a fart noise."

"Ingenious. Does it write well?"

"Not really, sir."

"Grip seems a tad awkward. Made in China. Perhaps another day."

"Here's the fake poop, sir. It's neatly packaged in a gift box. Tag reads, "HERE'S A SPECIAL GIFT, I MADE IT MYSELF! Sincerely ________." We also have some fake poop that comes in plain plastic bags. Tad cheaper...but it looks like we're actually out right now."

"Ah, have a bit of a run, hey?"

"Exactly."

"Now does this float?"

"It will float, absolutely."

"Excellent. I was going to get several, but I think at $5.99 I'll have just the one. There is such a thing as carrying a joke too far. One has to be tasteful."

"Excuse me, sir, but you know what you can do in a pinch? Get a Snickers bar and microwave it for a few seconds. It's perfect. Not a Milky Way, not a Mounds, but a Snickers bar. The secret is the nougat."

"You obviously know your shit." And thus I completed a most satisfying transaction. The fellow took my money, bagged up my poop, and bade me have a nice day. It isn't just a log of fake doo-doo. That right there is a slice of America.

[patricia]

You are a truly discerning shopper Monte. Next time I'm in the market for fake poop I'll keep your recommendations in mind.
Thanks for the giggle.

[Rob C]

I always enjoy Monte's posts, if they include dialogue.

[Monte Smith]

Why thank you, Rob. The dialogue is more genuine than the poop.

[patricia]

You paid $5.99 for that little-bitty plop of fake poop?? Surely there are several varieties of generic fake poop that you could have gotten cheaper?
But, I'll give you this. It's certainly packaged in an alluring manner.
And the gift card is a nice touch.

[Jon Abbey]

poop is a palindrome.

[Brian Olewnick]

Back in the 80s, and doubtless for decades prior, there was a very cool little store on Amsterdam Ave around 82nd St. where you could see 7 or 8 varieties of fake dog poop on display. Forget the name of the joint; (thelil) would know, I'm sure.

I never went for the dog poop. For one thing, we didn't have a dog so the object of my terror campaign, Linda, would not likely be fooled. Though I guess she might have thought I had it in me to do the deed myself. But far better to go with a real and existing threat: a mouse. They sold a fantastic looking fake mouse. Back then, Linda's work day began earlier than mine so she'd be first up in the morning. The night before, Linda already abed, I'd position Mr. Mouse in an appropriate setting, say on the edge of the kitchen sink. The screams generated would be music to my ears....

I also recall buying at the same store a teaspoon with an artificial squashed fly attached. Went over pretty well one year when said spoon was mixed in with the Thanksgiving silverware.

[Jon Abbey]

Originally Posted by Brian Olewnick

I never went for the dog poop. For one thing, we didn't have a dog so the object of my terror campaign, Linda, would not likely be fooled. Though I guess she might have thought I had it in me to do the deed myself. But far better to go with a real and existing threat: a mouse. They sold a fantastic looking fake mouse. Back then, Linda's work day began earlier than mine so she'd be first up in the morning. The night before, Linda already abed, I'd position Mr. Mouse in an appropriate setting, say on the edge of the kitchen sink. The screams generated would be music to my ears....

was that before or after your real rat?

[Monte Smith]

Originally Posted by patricia

Surely there are several varieties of generic fake poop that you could have gotten cheaper?

I'm sure there are discount websites. However, I wanted human interaction. Sick, I guess. You do feel a bit of a perv strolling thru one of America's cathedrals of capitalistic excess holding a bag of plastic crap. But what could be more orthodox?

[Monte Smith]

Originally Posted by Jon Abbey

poop is a palindrome.

"Fake poop" is not.

[patricia]

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

I'm sure there are discount websites. However, I wanted human interaction. Sick, I guess. You do feel a bit of a perv strolling thru one of America's cathedrals of capitalistic excess holding a bag of plastic crap. But what could be more orthodox?

Can't argue with that logic.

Speaking of fake gross stuff, Brian reminded me of something.
I was in a jokery not long ago. In it was the most realistic fake rat I've ever seen. Not that I'm an expert, mind you. But, this one was to scale, had rough grayish-whiteish, really short fur on it's body and the part that doesn't have fur, like the face, the feet and of course the tail were was made of that soft, slightly tacky plastic. Then, to top it off, they had weighted the whole body so that it was the same to pick up as a real rat I would imagine a real rat would be. It also had meticulously realized detail in the beady eyes and the pure evil general countenance.
It was so real-feeling that I couldn't hold it for more than a second and couldn't buy it for a particular friend because I couldn't hold it long enough to take it up to the cash register to pay for it.
Double YUCH!!!

[moneyp]

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

"Here's the fake poop, sir. It's neatly packaged in a gift box. Tag reads, "HERE'S A SPECIAL GIFT, I MADE IT MYSELF! Sincerely ________."

How did he pronounce "__________?"

[Monte Smith]

Originally Posted by moneyp

How did he pronounce "__________?"

His voice trailed off.

[tippy]

Hee hee hee...Monte said "Spencer's"

[Brian Olewnick]

Originally Posted by Jon Abbey

was that before or after your real rat?

erm, yeah, before. Might not have gone over quite so well after the real thing....

[tippy]

so I guess that rat is *one* thing NOT on the menu Chez Olewnick?

[GoodSpeak]

Originally Posted by Jon Abbey

poop is a palindrome.

Hm.

I'm thinking it's Biochemistry.

[Ron Thorne]

Why do you need fake poop when you have Triumph?



Silly question, I know.

[Tom Storer]

Originally Posted by Jon Abbey

poop is a palindrome.

Poop, a man, a plan, a canal--Panama poop!

[John P. Cooper]

Originally Posted by patricia

Can't argue with that logic.


I was in a jokery not long ago.

A "jokery"?

[Brian Olewnick]

Originally Posted by tippy

so I guess that rat is *one* thing NOT on the menu Chez Olewnick?

Well. if minced finely enough and used as an accent in, say, a nicoise in place of the anchovies, Linda doesnt usually notice.

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally Posted by patricia

You paid $5.99 for that little-bitty plop of fake poop?? Surely there are several varieties of generic fake poop that you could have gotten cheaper?
But, I'll give you this. It's certainly packaged in an alluring manner.
And the gift card is a nice touch.

For $5.99 I would expect some *real* poop that's been plastinated, like those cadavers on display all around the country.

[Jazzzoline]

Will Pumpy be at the party?

[Chris D]

I'm more a fake puke man myself.

[Monte Smith]

Originally Posted by Jazzzoline

Will Pumpy be at the party?

Good question. Pumpy will not be at the party. After Matt turned down Pumpy's offer to install a wireless router and laptop in Matt's new digs for the bargain basement cost of $60 an hour, words were had. Matt firmly said, "I'm not going to pay you, but you are welcome at the house any time." Pumpy's reply was that Matt should please never speak to him again and stop calling. But that's how it is with gays. They fight like cats. It's love and then its hate and then its love. Let them have their drama. I'll be at the party with fake poop secreted on my person!

[Monte Smith]

Originally Posted by Chris D

I'm more a fake puke man myself.

I totally respect that.

[patricia]

Originally Posted by John P. Cooper

A "jokery"?

What else would you call an emporium which deals in the means to giggles, laughs, snorts and guffas, as well as the occasional belly laugh??

[claude]

I remember being in BC in the early 80's looking for preserved moose turds. Apparantly these were the real thing that had been shellacked or something so they didn't decompose. My friend assured me that there was such a thing but we never did find any.

Btw, I do have a fake dog turd in my closet.

[patricia]

Claude, there was actually a line of earrings etc. which was marketed made from those self-same shellacked moose turds.
Just the thing to complement one's little black dress.
Elegant, as well as environmentally friendly. And, no, I don't have any moose-turd jewelry.
I'm a winter, so shades of yellow and brown are not in my wardrobe.

[clinthopson]

Montebaby, if you had an ounce of gumption, you would get some real doggy doo-doo, put it in a paper bag, put it on the patio, set fire to it and watch the fun.