I bet I'm having a worse month than you

chuckyd4 · October-9th-2006, 03:34 AM

1) My fiancee and I split up about two weeks ago. We'd been together for 3 1/2 years, got engaged in April, and then I had the brilliant idea to head to Africa for 4 months.

2) My father died last Thursday. He had just found a new job around where he lived (NH), went out for the day with a chainsaw into the woods, never came back. Died instantly from a massive heart attack. The guy was a bit of a bastard... left my mom when I was 3, and I only saw him less than 5 times in my life. I've thought about it a lot, and I think the guy was probably okay as a guy, but just could never man up to the idea of being a father. Having lost both family members that I was close to and now one that I wasn't, I can't really say which one is harder - I have so much anger at the guy, and now even more because of the fact that the fuck actually made me sad by hearing about his death.

3) My best friend here in Rwanda (incidentally the only person here I'd told about my father) was in a car accident last night and died instantly. I hadn't known him for years or anything, but we'd pretty much been hanging out all the time for the last four months. One of those dudes who you just hit it off with immediately and then go through all kinds of crazy stories with. They're bringing his body back to Kigali today; I have to go visit his family; then I have to call his French girlfriend who was coming here to live with him in January.

I have no idea why I'm posting this here, except it's cheaper than a shrink. I guess on the bright side, things have a decent probability of getting better from here on out. I'm hoping the numbness goes away soon.

Douglas · October-9th-2006, 03:55 AM

That's a lot of heartache and grief. You are in my thoughts, chuckyd4. here's hoping that things start to get better.

Squaredancecalling Steve · October-9th-2006, 04:26 AM

Damn! When they come in a bunch like that it's harder to sort things out. We're all pulling for you here, man, you know that. If you need to talk, we'll listen.

John P. Cooper · October-9th-2006, 04:38 AM

Rough bit of business for you. Lots of crap deals out there these days.

Good luck.

tippy · October-9th-2006, 06:24 AM

I am speechless and so so sorry. Those events are awful enough on their own to leave one numbstruck. To come at you all at once... I am truly sorry, chuckyd. You have my sincere sympathy. I am so sorry you lost a good friend like that and a father you never got to know through no fault of your own. I would hope you and your former fiancee are at least on speaking terms as you work your way through this. This is really bad. You are in my thoughts.

Gary Sisco · October-9th-2006, 07:14 AM

That's rough, man. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

chuckyd4 · October-9th-2006, 08:49 AM

Thanks for all the well-wishes, folks. I've been at the office all day (that's where I have a stable phone line and internet), and it's just been surreal.

Mike Schwartz · October-9th-2006, 08:59 AM

chuckyd4;
That is a terrible cluster of misfortune all colliding together in a small time frame. I feel for you on all fronts...

It may not be a bad idea when the time allows to ask for help and talk this out with a professional. It's not that they're going to 'fix' anything, but a trained ear objectively separated from your problems, helping you to get to the root of all the emotion and feelings you are forced to go through couldn't hurt.

Dr Dave · October-9th-2006, 09:10 AM

It is frightening to think that death and loss can suddenly swoop into a person's life like that. It must be especially strange to have this happen while you're far away from home. The business with your father certainly resonates with me, too. I wish you strength and understanding and perseverance.

Tom Storer · October-9th-2006, 09:20 AM

Jesus, that's a tough bunch of stuff to happen at once, chuckyd. Courage.

Jazzooo · October-9th-2006, 09:58 AM

Nothing much to add--you are in the center of a vortex of stress. I feel for you, and I also recommend you be very careful while driving and crossing the street--these feelings trick us into spacing out and not paying attention to what we're doing.

Scott Dolan · October-9th-2006, 10:03 AM

You're right. You are having a far worse month. Sorry to hear, Chuck.

Jason Bivins · October-9th-2006, 10:04 AM

Oh wow, that is dreadful news, all of it. Hang in there, man.

bostontricky · October-9th-2006, 10:05 AM

Talk to us, man. We're listening.

steve(thelil) · October-9th-2006, 10:28 AM

Wow, that is some awful stuff to be dealing with.

If it's any consolation, I recently read a well-written and apparently well-informed article that summarized some recent research on happiness that would make you feel better. It basically stated that our moods and happiness don't hinge as much on the really serious stuff as much as one would think. According to the article, we seem to have a built in capacity to deal with real tragedy and hardship, and that little shit that throws off your daily routine actually has a greater affect on your day to day happiness than serious, big picture stuff.

I say that only to give you something positive to consider. I'm not trying to suggest that your horrible chain of events isn't harder than hell to deal with.

Hang in there.

Big Apple · October-9th-2006, 11:11 AM

Having lost my parents and two of my best friends in a short time, I can easily imagine what is your feeling.
It is important to have love around you in order to go through such misfortunes.
If you have an opportunity to go back at home for a week or two, take it.
And "bon courage" my friend

Chris D · October-9th-2006, 11:11 AM

Hang in there, man.

Noj · October-9th-2006, 11:18 AM

Damn. I certainly hope things improve for you, chuckyd4.

patricia · October-9th-2006, 11:36 AM

No matter how we try to do all the right things and avoid tragedy, it comes to us anyway. Kind of reminds us of how little control we have. But, the trick is to deal with it without losing perspective. The main thing I've found is to remember that the big stuff usually had nothing to do with anything that we could have done to prevent them happening. We have to give them the attention they deserve and then try to move on. There is no other way. Grief and pain are the other side of joy and happiness. Most of us have much more of the former than the latter.
Something that has helped me gain perspective is to look at those tiny pockets of joy as not the norm, but the reason we put up with all the crap life hands us. We live for those little bits of happiness, that occur far less often than we wish they did, and they make the other stuff bearable.

You'll work through this horrible cluster of grief and you will move on. Better days are ahead. Believe that. Giving up is not an option. Reach out to your friends, like us, and let them help you get through this bad patch.
Head up Chucky.

clinthopson · October-9th-2006, 11:37 AM

chocky4d, All I can say is that we're pulling for you in this very difficult time.

Take care of yourself, man.

hornplayer · October-9th-2006, 12:46 PM

Quote:

I have no idea why I'm posting this here, except it's cheaper than a shrink. I guess on the bright side, things have a decent probability of getting better from here on out. I'm hoping the numbness goes away soon.

...and you know you have friends here who will offer you encouragement and light... I'm tahinking about you, Chucky... take good care of yourself.

jazzy mary · October-9th-2006, 01:12 PM

Wow, chuckyd4, I am so sorry for your losses. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well.

I echo all the good, sincere advice people have left you on this thread. We are here for you.

Jon Abbey · October-9th-2006, 01:16 PM

damn, Chucky, sorry to hear all that. if you're a musician, I'd suggest trying to play and record something, nothing like that kind of run of bad luck to bring out some deep sounds (small consolation, just trying to help).

Sand · October-9th-2006, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steve(thelil)

Wow, that is some awful stuff to be dealing with.

If it's any consolation, I recently read a well-written and apparently well-informed article that summarized some recent research on happiness that would make you feel better. It basically stated that our moods and happiness don't hinge as much on the really serious stuff as much as one would think. According to the article, we seem to have a built in capacity to deal with real tragedy and hardship, and that little shit that throws off your daily routine actually has a greater affect on your day to day happiness than serious, big picture stuff.

I say that only to give you something positive to consider. I'm not trying to suggest that your horrible chain of events isn't harder than hell to deal with.

Hang in there.

From the way you (chuckd4) describe what has happened to you I believe you have the mindset to get through this.
Life is a hilly afair.
One person may break down for next to nothing,while the other person lives through years in a concentration camps, almost starves to death, and then goes on to build a happy and productive life.
Personally I'm thinking of one our post-war prime ministers, who had such experiences.
So, why do some people make it, in spite of extreme hardships. Aron Antonovsky, for example was more into this in his book "unravelling the Mystery of Health"
You're the music as long as the music lasts. T.S. Eliot said something like that and it's both major and minor.
Also Antonio Damasio's "The Feeling of What Happens. Body and Emotion in The making of consciousness"
Our brains knows more than we're consciously aware of.

EDiT:

I looked up the T.S. Eliot quote: "music heard so deeply/ That it is not heard at all."

Ron Thorne · October-9th-2006, 01:54 PM

chuckyd4, I'm at a loss for words after reading about your remarkably sad chain of events.

Even though most of us at Jazz Corner only become cyber-friends, we're friends, nonetheless. Having said that, you have many friends here at JC who are in your corner pulling for you and wishing you brighter days ahead.

My thoughts are with you.

John P. Cooper · October-9th-2006, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jazzooo

I also recommend you be very careful while driving and crossing the street--these feelings trick us into spacing out and not paying attention to what we're doing.

Absolutely. I went through very stressful times lately/a few weeks ago...and there were times when I should not have been driving. Signs and lights become invisible as a million other thoughts run through your mind.

Be careful.

crawjo · October-9th-2006, 02:57 PM

I'm really sorry to hear about all this. You will be in my thoughts, and hang in there.

Monte Smith · October-10th-2006, 08:53 PM

Chuck:

Sorry, been away and hadn't seen this thread. Dude, it all sucks. It all deeply, deeply sucks.

I know it will get better though.
Monte

Daniel · October-10th-2006, 09:54 PM

jesus, that's brutal.

can't say much other than that i'll be thinking of you and i hope everything turns out okay

stonemonkts · October-10th-2006, 10:12 PM

Just seeing this now. I'm very sorry to read about these horrors befalling you and people close to you. Sitting here frozen for words. I wish you all the best from here on out.