A Father's Pain

[GoodSpeak]

As many of you know I have a son who is going to college on an 80% tuition paid scholarship. I am so very proud.

What you don't know is he and I have no sense of a real relationship. We exist together in the same household...that is all. He sees me as a block, a hinderance to his movement toward independence.

Lately, he has turned 18 and has decided further that he doesn't need what little I had to give to him anymore. In two months time he goes off to college. He doesn't know this, but I have worked tirelessly behind the scenes to make sure of his cello lessons, [lessons which have propelled him into college on a scholarship], his ability to get a driver's license, scheduling auditions up and down the state, numerous begs and pleads to get him any kind of monies to make it into college. Not that it really matters what I do.

As worthless as many of you see me, my own son see's me as less than worthless. I have been a failure to him and he will not listen to me at all anymore. I tried to counsel him on a bad choice he has made relative to an underrage girlfriend. The legal ramifications are astoundingly obvious...but he treats my warnings like last week's garbage.


In short, I have failed him as a father.


I don't say this for pity, but I do say this to stand as a warning: Don't be like me and miss your chance at being a good parent. My job kept me from being a part of his young life. I have missed baseball games, performances and school activities because I was too busy being the Debate Coach.

Now, on the week before his graduation, I have nothing but unmet desires and long standing regrets. I am the loser.




I would give anything to make it different.

[cookie]

Welcome to fatherhood tuffman. I hated my father at 18 too. Recently he was hospitalized and I never felt so far away from that hate. He's 18, and if you're available but not pushy, he'll come around when he grows up--for his mother's sake if nothing else.

[GoodSpeak]

Thanks, Cookie.


But I suspect on Graduation Day....he will ignore me then, too.

[Hudson Boy]

You have not been a failure. Every kid at eighteen thinks their parents are ignorant Neanderthals. You've done more, much more, than most parents and I am sure that he will appreciate it in a few years. You really have to try to look at this from a rational viewpoint and realize that you did your very best. It may seem impossible, but you must dispute your negative impressions of yourself and accept that fact that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.

[GoodSpeak]

Originally Posted by Hudson Boy

You have not been a failure. Every kid at eighteen thinks their parents are ignorant Neanderthals. You've done more, much more, than most parents and I am sure that he will appreciate it in a few years. You really have to try to look at this from a rational viewpoint and realize that you did your very best. It may seem impossible, but you must dispute your negative impressions of yourself and accept that fact that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.

You're right, HB.


Perhaps I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe it is because I will miss him when he goes off to college. I don't know.


I guess it is kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees.....but it's still dark in here and I hurt. I seriously have never felt like this before in my life and don't know what else to do with this stuff except post it here to give it a place to go. Just a bad idea, I guess.



Sorry to have bothered you all with this.

[Hudson Boy]

Originally Posted by GoodSpeak

Maybe you're right, HB.

Perhaps I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. Maybe it is because I will miss him when he goes off to college. I don't know.

I guess it is kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees.....but it's still dark in here and I hurt. I seriously have never felt like this before in my life and don't know what else to do with this stuff except post it here to give it a place to go. Perhaps it was a bad idea.



Sorry to have bothered you all with this.

No, it was a good idea. You're facing a major lifestyle change, and there are various stages of emotions to go through which may include grief, guilt, loss, anger, denial, depression, acceptance and hope. Eventually, it will all be resolved - probably much sooner than you think.

[GoodSpeak]

Originally Posted by Hudson Boy

No, it was a good idea. You're facing a major lifestyle change, and there are various stages of emotions to go through which may include grief, guilt, loss, anger, denial, depression, acceptance and hope. Eventually, it will all be resolved.

Thanks, Man.


I appreciate the kindness....more than you know.

[Ron Thorne]

It's entirely possible that your son has anxieties as well, Tim. At the age of 18, I'd be surprised if he didn't, frankly.

And, you sound as if you're facing a major "empty nest" scenario. I felt that when our youngest child went away to college. It was surprising, but real and intense.

[GoodSpeak]

Originally Posted by Ron Thorne

It's entirely possible that your son has anxieities as well, Tim. At the age of 18, I'd be surprised if he didn't, frankly.

And, you sound as if you're facing a major "empty nest" scenario. I felt that when our youngest child went away to college. It was surprising, but real and intense.

Perhaps you're right, Ron. Going off to college can be very trying.

Although, I/we do have a 13 year-old Daughter still....our Son is our first child. I suspect, however, that my unfortunate neglect of his early years' activities and childhood are now calling me on it. A specter I will not soon out live.

[kenny weir]

Originally Posted by GoodSpeak

... I have been a failure to him and he will not listen to me at all anymore. I tried to counsel him on a bad choice he has made relative to an underrage girlfriend. The legal ramifications are astoundingly obvious...but he treats my warnings like last week's garbage.
In short, I have failed him as a father.
I don't say this for pity, but I do say this to stand as a warning: Don't be like me and miss your chance at being a good parent.

Damn - that's gotta be just about the sadliest thing I've ever read here.

And a salutory lesson to me, dad of a seven year old with many such imbroglios to be faced in the future.

But the pain is no excuse for lousy logic.

So your son hates your guts (or thinks he does)?

As others have pointed out, there is no reason why that should be linked in any way with your own subjective assessment of your fathering. It's simply not a matter of cause and effect.

In fact, from what I've known of you here over the years, despite being a pain in the butt at times, quite the reverse would seem to be true. You come across as a Really Great Dad.

Yeah, this kind of thing is common.

I still have nightmares aabout my father - and he's almost a decade dead. There was fault on both sides, but as my mother and uncle continue to be impressed with how I'm living my life, despite their admissions about my father's nastiness, it seems reasonable to conclude that, yes, he was a prick.

I have a friend in Melbourne who has spoken to his grown-up daughter for more than 10 years.

It'll pass, I'm sure.

But, man, I feel for you right now.

[Hudson Boy]

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."--Mark Twain

[jesus marion joseph]

Another rebellious youth here. At 18 I reluctantly went to college (the alternative being to pay rent to stay at home if I didn't go to school) and dropped out by spring break. I bounced around for many years after that before getting my shit in a clump and getting back to school. It wasn't until I had to do everything for myself, without the assistance I was offered the first time around, that I realized what an ass I was when I was 18.

Your son sounds like he's an intelligent kid, despite your best efforts (joking, joking). I'm sure he'll come around in time. In the meantime, I think you need to look at this as a time of gradual transition in your relationship with him, and stop looking at him in his current iteration as a reflection of your perceived failures. Nobody's perfect.

[jesus marion joseph]

Great Twain quote, btw. I never read that one before.

[walto]

Goody, for some kids, it's very important to rebel violently against their parents in order to establish themselves as independent beings. Of course, they really do need to be more independent at his age, but some of them need to act out a bit to convince themselves as well as everybody else that they can actually do it. It doesn't mean anything one way or the other about whether you've been a good or bad parent. It's just part of the growing up thing.

Recognizing this may not make his antipathy any easier to deal with on a gut level, but it's something to keep in mind.

[Noj]

I remember quite clearly being a rude jerk to my father at that age, and it still makes me burn with embarrassment at my own lack of perspective and lack of gratitude. How could I possibly have not understood how much my father had done for me up until that point? Why was I blind to the obvious fact that my dad had lived the vast majority of his life working his body into utter ruin in the service of me and my older siblings? The man sacrificed his time, health, and chance for an early retirement for us. It pains me deeply to know there was a time when I didn't grasp this simple concept, and to have been so self-centered as to not be able to appreciate my Dad.

[walto]

Noj, as I said to Goody, it's all part of growing up and 'proving your independence'--both to yourself and others. You shouldn't beat yourself up too much either.

[rollhead]

Noj,

You are a great guy. I am sure your dad knew that, regardless of what you said or did.

[Noj]

Thanks Walto and Rollie, I was just trying to underline the points being made to Goody.

I have a tough time with regret, I still burn with embarrassment from stupid things I did half my lifetime ago.

[clinthopson]

Having raised two sons and being a step-father to a son and a daughter, Tim, I can say that what you are experiencing is something that is very normal. Young men seem to go through a period of alienation with one or both of their parents. All you can do is be there for him and maintain a low profile until he grows up. It seems to take longer for men to get it together than women. I think it's the testosterone thing.

Hell, I went through that with my father until I was almost 30 and he was a great guy.

Today all our kids are in their 40s and were not only a close family, but we are all good friends.

This too shall pass. Just don't fight it, buddy and quit beating yourself up.

[Al in NYC]

Goodness, I hated my father at 18. Much like Noj, I had no respect for the work and effort he had put into raising me and making sure I had all the resources I needed. He was just plain goofy and embarrassing, always talking to me about "rules" that I didn't want to follow and "experience" that seemed so old-fashioned and out touch that it couldn't possibly apply to me. I wanted nothing more than to be as far away from him as possible. And, perhaps worst of all, he had become imperfect. I was now old enough to discern that he was just human, and got things wrong sometimes, messed up sometimes, didn't do many things as well as others, and didn't know everything. In other words, he was no longer the superman I took him to be back when I was little. In fact, he was nothing like superman at all, but just a regular ol' man.

Now, in my late 40s, I cherish my 81 year old father, flaws and all, and have for several decades. But I needed to separate myself from him back then and become my own person, give form to myself and live through and deal with challenges and problems on my own. And, yes, screw up on my own as well, too many times to count. It wasn't until I'd been through that process, until I'd grown up, that I could finally perceive, understand, and appreciate all that had been done for me back when I was 18.

Give him space and time, don't let the resentments and tension build up and overwhelm you both, and let him come back to you when he's ready. He will.

[jazzy mary]

Originally Posted by Hudson Boy

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."--Mark Twain

Hey Hudson Boy, I was going to quote that too!!

Good, I have two daughters one 18 (going to Ursinus College in the Fall). I too worked tirelessly w/ the applications, financial aid etc. She just wrote a 23 paper on Jean-Paul Satre & existentialism...in French. My other daughter is 14 and a Freshman at La Guardia & a musician. She was placed in Advanced Music Theory next year--a college level class. She's 14!

They are both beautiful, smart and fantastic but they are also ungrateful brats and talk back to me like there is no tomorrow. My older daughter & I fight all the time.

I think it will get better. Evryone says it and it's a cliche--the teenage years are horrible. Well, they're right.

It does get really dark sometimes & it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But I do believe the light will come. Good luck, sweetie!

[jaka]

Originally Posted by jazzy mary

They are both beautiful, smart and fantastic

I can confirm that.
(please note where I edited the sentence, not willing to testify on the rest of the sentence)

[jazzy mary]

jaka, you are so sweet! They loved you too!

[walto]

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Teach your parents well,
Their children's hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

[Ron Thorne]

Perfect, Walto!

[GoodSpeak]

Thanks to all who posted here.

And you're right. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, I don't know. But what I do know is this just plain hurts my heart in ways I cannot yet comprehend.

My own father was an abusive ass; both verbally then later, when I was big enough to hit, physically. I swore to God I'd never allow myself to do that to my own kids. The scars of that time still run deep. In fact the old bastard isn't even coming to see his own grandson graduate from HS. He didn't even acknowledge to my wife, who took the call, the fact we are celebrating our 25th [and on that same day no less] Anniversary. Perhaps in my own effort to not be like he was, I stayed too far away from my own son.


You know, I never expected the sheer outpouring of concern on this thread. I just needed a place to put the weight down some place before I have to shoulder it again then carry it on my heart some more. But thank you.

Thanks for easing the weight at least for a little while. All of you. It means more than I can tell you.



Tim

[Pete C]

Tim, I lost my father when I was 2, and I don't remember him. I'm sure you'll come closer together in time, but meanwhile, you can feel fortunate for him that he had you even if he doesn't appreciate it at this time.

[Monte Smith]

Tim, I, too am sure you are being hard on yourself. Myself, I always had a pretty good relationship with my recently deceased dad. Now that he is gone, I am conscious that it could have been better. But--this will come as small surprise to you guys--I was never much of a rebel. I always enjoyed the company of my folks--we had similar tastes in newspapers. Now when I look at the next generation, Gungadar and his sister, I of course worry about my parenting skills. I'm involved and loving, but you can always do things wrong, it's completely natural to worry all the time, isn't it?

[Pete C]

Monte, I had you figured for a deprogrammed hippie-anarchist.

[bruce massey]

Goodie, I feel for ya!

Everyone has expressed great sentiments, however, baby Boy does need a crack upside the head for the underage girlfriend. That shit can get him stigmatized for the rest of his life! If trouble arises he could be classified as a sex offender and that label cannot be explained away.."I was 18 and she was...whatever". He would be viewed in the same light as a baby raper so despite everything else, he needs to listen to you on THAT!

Your son is on the springboard of his life. Everything is in front of him and he is jazzed! Can't wait to get to tomorrow, no time to look back now!

I have devoted a ton of time to my girls and it has been most rewarding but there have been lumps along the way. Just this week I had a heart to heart with my youngest. She seems to have an air of arrogant expectancy about her. When I laid out my complaints she tearfully explained her point of view and I found that she understood some places that she blows it. On some issues though I was simply so pissed off that what I construed as disrespect was just her being an airhead. I got myself worked up due to her multiple infractions and lost sight of the fact that she is a teenager.

How can you be my buddy, Goodie and not be Good?

Ease up on yourself and contemplate the miracle of time. You're the adult, be patient he'll see the light.