Artistic Quandary -- any feedback is great

[RBS]

Hi everyone,

A friend of mine has asked me to do a play of his, which I acted in before. (No man-kissing involved, Messrs. Dolan and Smith, so don't bother asking.)

It doesn't pay a cent but it's a good play that's about 12 pages long. The thing is, I'm going out of town for one week, we'd have to cram a lot of rehearsals into the one week before it goes up, and I already am spending too much time away from my family by being away.

Not only that, I work out of my home, so I'd probably rehearse during the day, thereby breaking up my workday for several hours at a time. If we rehearse in the evenings or weekends (which I hate doing because I leave my family for several hours) that's even more difficult. Leaving my wife with the two little ones is already a lot for her.

Now, my friend said he really wants me to do it. He and I acted in it together and he said he can't do it this time around because he's just got too much on his plate, the same as me.

Leave it to me to feel guilty for saying no. It's not a career maker or breaker. I'm already doing well doing voice-overs (not for anything pornographic -- thanks for asking, Monte and Scott) for various projects, but I did enjoy doing the play before. The thing is, it's for a one-act festival/contest and it's hard for me to see much of an upside outside of the fact that I loved the character and the play.

The usual questions arise: "Who will be in the audience? Who will see it? I haven't been onstage in awhile!" The usual stuff.

It's hard to do stuff for free anymore, unless there's a real, honest, pragmatic good reason to do it. I just feel torn about this.

Any advice?

[clinthopson]

What is your time truly worth? Will this do anything for your career except doing a favor for a friend?

This sounds like deciding how to use your time.

[RBS]

That's a good question, Clint.

As for it doing anything for my career, it's doubtful. Seriously.

I'm only going on past experience, which is a good indicator I think.

[jazzy mary]

Saying "no" is the hardest thing. Did you say you had done the play before? If so, would that help to cut down on the rehearsal time? The main issue is your time.

From your post, it seems that, although you would like to do it for a freind, you just don't see how you can squeeze it in.

If you don't have the time, you probably should say no.

In re: the voiceovers. Which ones? Do we know them?

[Cem]

If it's not going to fuel your career or put food on the table, will it feed you as an artist? How important is that for you at the moment? Let's forget about the guilt thing, but would you regret not having done it down the road for some reason? Will it be fulfilling as far as community involvement goes?

[Gary Sisco]

If you don't want to or it makes further pressure in your life that you don't want, either, I'd just say so to my friend.

Clint's question's a good one. My time's worth more than anyone can pay for it (in any way, money or otherwise). We get x much of it and no more.

[RBS]

These are all great questions and they're helping get me out of my own head.

Thanks to all. You're all great.

Re: the voice-overs. I did one for Bermuda Tourism -- a national radio spot. I'm also doing a lot of dubbing for a Turkish soap opera. You probably haven't seen it!

[Gary Sisco]

RBS -- Well, that's a first for me. I've not known anyone else who's dubbed for Turkish soap operas!

[Cem]

Originally Posted by RBS

I'm also doing a lot of dubbing for a Turkish soap opera. You probably haven't seen it!

I probably haven't seen it, but what is it called? Is it broadcast in Turkey or abroad?

[Scott Dolan]

Originally Posted by rB.S.

No man-kissing involved, Messrs. Dolan and Smith, so don't bother asking.

Now, why on earth would either of us have asked you such a silly question?

Besides, you already made clear what this particular "play" would be about:

Originally Posted by rB.S.

we'd have to cram a lot

I'm glad you're finally exploring this new territory. Honestly.

[clinthopson]

OK, philosophy of life time:

A long time ago, because of a sudden death of a close friend, I looked at what I was doing and decided that from that point on I was only going to do what I wanted to do, not what someone else expected me to do. Now sometime I have done things or participated in functions that may not have been my first choice but because of a sense of duty or obligation or love, I did it. But when I made those decisions it was because I wished to. I never decided to do something because of a sense of guilt and that came hard what with a Jewish mother and all that.

One of the most difficult things to do is to say "no." Over the years I have been asked to serve in various capacities on boards and committees or go to events, unless I truly desired to participate and if it didn't eat up my precious time when there were other activities I would rather do and that includes just hanging out with my friends or family or just vegging, I passed.

As my time on the planet becomes shorter, this way of life has become very important.

The other thing is I hope with my dying breath, I don't think "I could have done that, and wanted to do that, but didn't."

[Gary Sisco]

Yep.

[Ron Thorne]

Excellent points, which I share with you, Clint.

Randy, my feeling is that the needs and sensitivities of you and your young family should take precedence over any need to feel guilty about passing on performing in the 2nd incarnation of a friend's play.

[walto]

I think you should figure out a way to put on MY play.

[RBS]

Originally Posted by Ron Thorne

Excellent points, which I share with you, Clint.

Randy, my feeling is that the needs and sensitivities of you and your young family should take precedence over any need to feel guilty about passing on performing in the 2nd incarnation of a friend's play.

Thanks a lot, Ron. That's really what it's all about, isn't it?

And to everyone else, too. I told my friend, "no."

I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my chest. I was feeling torn between what I really WANTED to do and what I felt I SHOULD do.

I wanted to spend time with my family. My littlest one is sitting on my lap right now. I couldn't miss a day of that....

As for the Turkish soap opera, it airs online on http://www.ebru.tv/en

I'm in the series "Cold February," playing a cult leader/figurehead.

I get to tell a woman she has to marry me, make her go to the store for condoms, and then tell her if she has sex with me, her boyfriend will not get hurt.

Just like real life.

Thanks again, everyone.

[RBS]

Originally Posted by walto

I think you should figure out a way to put on MY play.

Actually, Walto -- and I've been meaning to email you about this -- do you want the names of some theater companies in New York? There are lots of Off-Off Broadway companies that love to produce new writers.

[clinthopson]

Of course there is ONE activity, I never refuse.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

BTW my son has a play and a musical that will be on off-off one of these days. I think he pays minimum.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Randy, Ron beat me to the punch but I would say say basically the same thing he said. I would add that friends are a wonderful and cherished thing but Family should always be your priority, imo. Friendship is a give and take thing. If he doesn't understand your need to be with your family, oh well. Time for you to take, bro. BTW, I have found over the years that the best friends are also family members. Enjoy!

[RBS]

Originally Posted by Jimmy Cantiello

Randy, Ron beat me to the punch but I would say say basically the same thing he said. I would add that friends are a wonderful and cherished thing but Family should always be your priority, imo. Friendship is a give and take thing. If he doesn't understand your need to be with your family, oh well. Time for you to take, bro. BTW, I have found over the years that the best friends are also family members. Enjoy!

Fantastic. And I totally agree.

[RBS]

Well, I told my friend and he was "disappointed."

He said I was great in the part and all that, which was nice to hear. But the first rehearsal would be tomorrow, the day before I'm going away for a week.

He doesn't have a wife or family, so I don't think he understands these sorts of priorities. I didn't mention my family, just that I had too much to do right now and couldn't fit the time in. (A new client, a potential conflict the night of the show, etc.) He was understanding.

You can't please everyone.... the thought of having to memorize it, rehearse it, do a tech rehearsal, put it up for very little reward and sacrifice more time away from my family was just too much. If I wasn't going away next week it would have been easier, you know?

Thanks again, all.

[Pete C]

I heard Scorsese has the play on his radar.

[Vince Kargatis]

Originally Posted by Jimmy Cantiello

friends are a wonderful and cherished thing but Family should always be your priority

But what if your family members are crappy writers? You do their plays anyway?

[walto]

Originally Posted by RBS

Actually, Walto -- and I've been meaning to email you about this -- do you want the names of some theater companies in New York? There are lots of Off-Off Broadway companies that love to produce new writers.

Absolutely. Thanks! The only place I've sent it in NY is Urban Stages.

[GoodSpeak]

Randy,


TBH, I think you go with your heart on this one.

If you are questioning the time expenditure because of family concerns....I will boldly suggest that this is where your heart is.


My two cents...

[Gary Sisco]

My definition of family has changed over the decades to include people who aren't biological family and also not to so much include based on blood alone. Don't get me wrong, I love my bio-family and some of them are great friends as well, but some are, well, just family.

The older I get, the more I'm with Clint's remarks above. I try to the extent possible to spend my time the way I want it spent. If that includes family or friends, great. If not, also great. It's my time. The first part of my adult life I spent time as I saw fit, period. The middle part, while I lived my own way, and the choices were mine, the decisions were such that I felt many obligations to others. The last part, I intend to be much more like the first, to the extent possible.

[shrugs]

From
so you want to be a writer
- Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.

[shrugs]

Originally Posted by Gary Sisco

My definition of family has changed over the decades to include people who aren't biological family and also not to so much include based on blood alone. Don't get me wrong, I love my bio-family and some of them are great friends as well, but some are, well, just family.

People have distorted the true meaning of family. It's always better to have extended family and friends around. Especially for kids, they really need more mentors than mom, dad and their school teacher.
I dig where I am living now because it's a true neighborhood.
It's been a long time since I lived in an area of town where neighbors swap house keys in case of emergency.

[Monte Smith]

RBS, you have listed a considerable number of valid excuses for not doing the play. But why so many? You had me at "it doesn't involve man-kissing."

[Gary Sisco]

Me, too, Shrugs, and we actually live in a good, little neighborhood. Not a key-holding-tight one, but people look out for each other more than is normally the case. We busted a burglar, working together, and turned him over to the po-leece. Had it been left to the police alone, they'd have taken our statements and that would have been the end of it. The cop we turned him over to told us that this was the only neighborhood where anyone was paying attention. People couldn't even give them a car description. Nothing the police can do about such things with no information to go on other than that a burglary has taken place.

My real family is my music tribe. Everything I've done since age 18 has been in some way connected to that circle of people, which includes my brother, who toured with us in the days, when he wasn't legal yet, even.

But I agree that people are better off with a large extended family, blood related or not. For almost all of human history, people lived in clans (which is what an extended family is) and clans in tribes. What we call the nuclear family, and the expectations that flow from it, is a very recent development. I didn't grow up in one, for example, and I'm only 54. I came up in a large clan of allied families, less than half of which were blood-related. And in a real neighborhood as well, where almost all of the kids were "latchkey kids," because almost all of the parents, male or female, worked jobs. There were other adults, however, who lived and worked in the neighborhood, to ride herd on the kids when it was necessary. And they did, too, when necessary. By the time my father got home from work, he'd have the news of the day if it involved his kids. Mainly me in those days because I was his oldest.

Bukowski's right, too, and not just about writing. It's true about anything.

[cookie]

I recently had to say "no" to an invitation to help a local community organization who asked me to teach as part of their new urban music program. It's the sort of thing I'm good at, but I believe they wanted a volunteer or that it would be *very* little bread. I was asked at the busiest point in my academic year so I was swamped. Still, I found it *soooo* hard to say no. I let the email sit in my inbox for several days thinking REAL hard about it: can I squeeze it in? am I just being selfish and lazy? can I suggest somebody else? how do I say no for now and leave it open-ended? how much should I explain about saying no? oprah says its okay to say no.

Well, my primary reason for saying no was recognizing that I was already swamped and that when it thinned out, I needed some time to rest before picking up again. I also didn't want to make a commitment that would leave me resentful, or that I'd possibly have to drop without completing or something.

Anyway, I hated to do it, but I did it. I said "no." I also said that if my schedule allowed in the future, I would love to participate in some small way.

Fast forward to yesterday. I've picked up the most steady performance schedule of my life this summer (praise be). On my weary way to work last night, I was thinking about that situation and how hard it was to say "no" to working with youth in my community. But I also thought--knew--at that moment that it had been the right decision to make. Yes, I could probably *make* time, but I also need to *take* time to care for myself and my family. It was kind of the cap on the confirmation to read RBS's post when I came home.

It's my hope that as I set up my schedule for the next academic year, I can work the community group in on some kind of manageable basis. It may happen; it may not. But I'm sure that it was the right thing to not participate at this time.

Your friend should understand, man.