A Really Useless Neighbor

[RainyDay]

Carrying I-don't-want-too-get-involved to ridiculous limits. Reported on KCBS Radio online:

Neighbor heard nothing suspicious; Florida child agency will place girl

Source: Associated Press News

Publication date: 2003-09-30

(Jacksonville, Florida-AP) -- A neighbor says he could hear a baby crying and a T-V playing in the apartment across from him -- but it wasn't anything that made him suspicious.
But when he returned to his home yesterday in Jacksonville, Florida, he saw a paramedics carrying out a two-year-old girl who had been left alone for two and a-half weeks.

The girl lived on ketchup, mustard and dry pasta until her father found her. Her mother had been in jail -- and she now faces child endangerment charges for not telling anyone the child was alone.

Florida's child services agency says it will determine where the toddler should be placed when she's released from the hospital, where she's being treated for malnutrition.

A hospital spokesman says she's been laughing and playing with the nurses.

[john williams]

My sister used to foster children and these poor kid's stories would make you sick.

One mildly autistic boy was found by social services in his cot with cockroaches in his nappies and had been left unchanged for quite some time.

He was fostered out to a church minister's family. When said minister got annoyed with the boy he would whip him with his belt and lock him in the cupboard. From one nightmare into another.

His father later, when he was around 15, promised him he would get him a certain present for his birthday and come to visit him. No show - the boy was so stressed he bit the end of his own tongue off.

My sister looked after him from around 8 -18 and still keeps in contact and has helped him find work. He is ok now despite the cruelty towards him and this is largely because of my sister's patience and care. Nobody else would take the boy as he was extremely disturbed when my sister took him in.

My sister took on many of these disturbed children, all of which had stories like the boy above.

[Dr Dave]

For the unlucky, childhood is full of horrors. We are conditioned, as a species, to find children endearing. We like babies, and we like baby-like things. Click here "neotenic" for more on this. But babies can grow up in unlucky circumstances, and become canvases upon which parents paint their own rage and frustration. What are these parents like? Often, they are themselves sufferers of childhood abuse. But I sometimes ask myself so what? Because you got beat on you got to beat on somebody else? It's hard to swallow.


I was abused as a child, although not in a manner that would ever draw scrutiny from anyone. (Hence its effectiveness). My parents rarely hit me (although when my mother did hit me, she was out-of-control crazy). Instead, they made me understand that I was their property, and that my job was to perform for them. Love depended upon the quality of the performance. Being expected to perform was natural at first, then an extended source of anger and anxiety, and finally a nearly insurmountable roadblock to anything resembling real happiness. After being expected to provide--and then failing to provide--happiness over so many years, the notion that I was not actually obliged to provide it and that it was okay not to was, um, difficult to accept.

The business of my life now is to realize that I need not endlessly entertain to prove my worth as a human being. It's hard going, fellas and gals.

[Gary Sisco]

My father used to whack the shit out of me when I was a kid, and the behavior, then, at least in our part of society was not only tolerated but expected. Today, they'd put him in jail and me in some foster nightmare. Personally, I prefer it the way it went down. While I'm not in favor of corporal punishment of children, I'm glad my old man was a hard guy when I look around today. He's since mellowed by lightyears (I was the oldest, so got the full brunt) and I've long forgiven and dropped any resentments on my own part. He was of a different time and of a different culture, one that doesn't exist, even, anymore, but in vestigial form here and there.

But I have never for a second thought that the way he dealt with me was cause for behaving similarly myself nor have I ever accepted that reasoning as an excuse, justification, or even a valid explanation of such behavior on my part in turn, or anyone else's. Bullshit. People are responsible for their own actions and it's time Americans understand that and stop trying to place the blame on everyone else all the time. To hear people talk today, no one's responsible for anything; there's always some bullshit to remove personal responsibility for one's own behavior and an attempt to place it elsewhere.

I'll tell you all something about the "foster" system, though. I ran a homeless shelter for ten years and fully 25% of the more than 5,000 different people I dealt with in that time, were kids who'd just turned 18 and been released from being "burdens of the state." There you go, kid -- sink or swim. It was almost 100 percent the case that if a new person showed at the shelter who was 21 or younger, he or she was a product of the foster system, and in almost every case as well, the kid had been homeless since leaving the foster system. I never knew one of them who successfully got out of street life. Not one. The only thing that got them off the street was going to jail.

It doesn't help one sleep well, after a while.

[john williams]

The sink or swim after 18 exists here too. However, my sister always followed up the progress of ex-foster kids as mentioned above.

MY old man was a cruel tyrant, who will never mellow, and I have had nothing to do with the prick for years and am all the better for it. If a member of your family is a shit, hack them off like a gangrenous limb I say. Life's too short to put up with miserable shits who insist on making others as miserable as themselves.

Part of the reason my sis took on kids was because of my father's regime. I believe all the kids she looked after benefitted from her care and were much better off in the long run. Surely part of a foster parent's responsibility is to prepare these kids as best they can for the future. If they don't they shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

[Gary Sisco]

JBW -- I don't disagree with you, really, but at least here most of the people who do the taking in of kids do it for the state checks, which aren't much at all, but they can add up to a certain style of high-poverty living, and that's normally the goal, in my experience, though clearly there are always exceptions and good people who do it as well.

I don't disagree with you about blood, either. The mere fact of sharing genetic material means nothing to me if the human's not to my liking, behavior-wise. I'm like you in that regard. If I'm done with someone, I'm done. Period. I never felt that way about my old man, but I didn't have much to do with him for a long time, either, but I got over it. He did the best he could in hard circumstances and with the education-cultural experience he'd come up with. I have a neice I've written off, though, and lots of cousins.

[john williams]

I appreciate your comments Gary, thanks.

Yes, I agree, there are many who abuse the system for the easy bucks. I have a niece too who the entire family, except her mother, has ostracised due to her disgusting behaviour.

[GA Russell]

Thanks you all for sharing your experiences.

It surely opens my eyes about my good fortune.

[cookie]

I had a very similar experience as Gary. My parents were extremely "strict." I infuriated them at times. Our church was of the "spare the rod, spoil the child" school.

I was a mess for a long time, but I've learned to get over it. They did the best they could, and overall, they helped me more than damaged me. And Gary's right. Today, they could go to prison. Somebody called CPS on us because my husband and I had a loud Irish fight while our children were in the house ( I threw a potholder at him!!!).

But some kids are subjected to true atrocities and for them, foster care is a gamble on surviving childhood. Some kids are lucky and some aren't.

[Enforcer]

I hope the mother is locked in a cell with ketchup, mustard and dry pasta for about 2 1/2 weeks. F**king worthless piece of sh**.

Volunteering to supervise the punishment,
Larry

[RainyDay]

Stories like this just make me weep. I can't think of a punishment bad enough for this child's mother. A week or two ago, a man beat his little boy to death in Oakland. The child was 2-4 years old. Many neighbors called protective services, some more than once. This child suffered horribly and CPS did NOTHING.

I called CPS once on a family in our neighborhood. I was told that living in a home with a drug addicted parent was considered a lifestyle choice and CPS could not get involved unless there were other signs the children were being neglected or abused. The kids didn't choose to have a junky/crazy mother and a simple-minded Jesus freak father. The mother used to be removed periodically from the house by the police or fire department in restraints, usually in the middle of the night. The mother doesn't live in the home now but is always around, arguing with her ex and hanging out with her kids at their home. One of the boys was arrested this summer for armed assault and robbery.

"Makes me want to holler, throw up both my hands..."

[Gary Sisco]

Dig that.

Here, the Adult Protection Service (the equivalent of the one for kids, called SRS here, but for elderly and handicapped adults) proved equally worthless, many times, while I was running the shelter. Old guys who didn't know what planet they were on, or even that they'd pissed themselves several days running, weren't "incompetent." They were just making "bad choices." This, of course, would normally be decided without actually talking to the guy in question, but over the phone. What geniuses. Even when, basically by threatening them, I could get someone to actually go out with me to see the guy, they'd spend a total of five minutes, maybe six. No problem. He's seems fine to me. What a crock. One old guy, I finally got in front of a judge to decide (took me several years). The judge decided right away that the guy clearly didn't know what solar system he was visiting. She ended up sending me a handwritten letter, thanking me for sticking with the cat and forcing the issue in court. It's a "bad choice" when a guy's got frozen pissed pants, is way into his 80s, living on the street, and having his Social Security money ripped off by the predators, every month, first day, for years. What a load of shit.

Memo to social workers: People who are insane or senile clearly will be making "bad choices." Duh.

I'm so glad I don't have a master's degree, today.

[Ron Thorne]

Larry, you took the words right out of my brain, bro. And her only water source should be her toilet.

I noted a brief story on the news this morning indicating that the little girl's father had been given temporary custody of the child. Let's hope he's not a nut job, too.

[Dr Dave]

Originally posted by RainyDay
The kids didn't choose to have a junky/crazy mother and a simple-minded Jesus freak father. The mother used to be removed periodically from the house by the police or fire department in restraints, usually in the middle of the night. The mother doesn't live in the home now but is always around, arguing with her ex and hanging out with her kids at their home. One of the boys was arrested this summer for armed assault and robbery.

"Makes me want to holler, throw up both my hands..."

It makes me realize my good fortune, too. You betcha. I was unhappy; these kids' lives are already halfway down the toilet. As I have long posited, it amazes me that you need a license to cut hair but nobody seems to care about how people raise their children. Yeah, I know, the family is Sacred and must be protected from State intervention. Whatever. We can theorize all we want, but things is not good.

[Gary Sisco]

There was a similar crazed incident here, recently, involving a near-adult handicapped kid whose mother essentially kept him chained in his room like an abused beast. In fact, she'd be in jail already if she'd kept an animal that way in VT.

[Enforcer]

Yeah, you're in big trouble if you hurt a dog or cat or something. That's simple and you'll go to jail because you're a no good bastard who abuses animals, which is unforgiveable.

Now, f**king up a kid is a much more complex social problem and you have to empathize with the abuse these parents suffered themselves as children.

Always eager to illustrate hypocrisy,
Larry

[Nathaniel Catchpole]

Thing that struck me most about this was how bright the kid must be. I doubt I could survive for two weeks on the contents of my fridge - that a 2 year old could open the fridge at all is impressive. This was on BBC news last night, they said her father (who broke in eventually) found her on the couch watching cartoons. Stupid mum, clever kid.

[bluenoter]

"A Really Useless Neighbor"--I didn't open this thread for three days because I was sure that it was about Canada. How I wish that circumstances allowed it to be about Canada (instead of about unspeakable cruelty and neglect).

[RainyDay]

BN: Canada is a great nation. It reminds us everyday of what it might be like to live in a really civilized country.

Back to the thread: Maybe this child was happy to have her mother gone so she could have some peace. It's hard to believe this child's mother was any good as a parent. I hope this little girl goes on to do great things. To call her a survivor is an understatement.

[Gary Sisco]

Kids before a certain age are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for, and adults a lot more likely to cop an excuse for their behavior, especially in the US of the present, where nothing is ever anyone's fault.

[patricia]

What breaks my heart is the assumption that because the parent is "blood", that somehow that is the first thing to be considered, not the safety of their child.
There is a documentary that I saw, some years ago, which still haunts me. It was called "The Unquiet Death Of Eli Creekmore" and it concerned the death, by kicking, of an eighteen month old child in, I believe Idaho or Colorado. This little guy had been physically abused by his father, since he was an infant and had been taken away, several times in his short life, by Social Services and always returned, to "keep the family together". Several Social Workers had his case on file, and nobody took responsibility for his death.
The grandmother had reported the abuse and asked for custody of Eli, but was denied. She had photographs of the injuries that Eli had suffered, which she had shown the authorities, to bolster her case, but it didn't make any difference. The father was convicted of voluntary manslaughter and is in jail, but that doesn't give Eli back his life.
I'm not sure how much abuse is enough to take a child away from abusive parents, but there seems to be no end to it, as long as the parents say they're sorry and agree to take parenting and life-skills courses. The losers are the kids and the first three years are, IMO, the hard-wiring years, in that that is when their characters and their basic personalities and values are formed. Re-wiring them can, if they live, be an almost impossible task and I applaud those who manage to find a loving family who has a huge mountain to climb, teaching this damaged child to trust and thrive. Many fail, not for trying though.
Tragedy is so much more often the result of confusing the ability to conceive children with the JOB of being a parent. They aren't the same thing and the government still doesn't know that.