A few laughs -- good jokes and bad

[RBS]

Brother Mark is a monk in the monastery and he has taken his vow of silence. He gets one chance to speak every ten years.

So, ten years pass and Brother Mark is called to the Head Monk's office.

"Brother Mark," says the Head Monk, "You have taken your vow of chastity, you have obeyed the laws of God. You have earned your right to speak. What would you like to say?"

Brother Mark looks at the Head Monk and says "Food's cold." Then he leaves.

Ten more years pass and once again Brother Mark is called to the Head Monk's office.

"Brother Mark," says the Head Monk, "You have taken your vow of chastity, you have obeyed the laws of God. Ten more years have passed, and you have earned your right to speak. What would you like to say?"

Brother Mark looks at the Head Monk and says, "Bed's hard." Then he leaves.

Ten more years pass.

"Brother Mark," says the Head Monk, "You have taken your vow of chastity, you have obeyed the laws of God. You have earned your right to speak. What would you like to say?"

"I quit," says Brother Mark.

"That's all right. You was always bitchin' anyway."

[clinthopson]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing
about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please
settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

[RBS]

Mother Theresa looks out the convent window and sees Sister Mary Maria planting some flower seeds. A bunch of pigeons flock down and eat the seeds and Sister Mary Maria screams "FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!"

Mother Theresa, horrified, waves Sister Mary Maria to come in. She motions her to sit down. Mother Theresa, very angry, says, "What are you doing out there???"

Sister Mary Maria says, "Well, I'm trying to plant some flower seeds in the convent, but those birds keep coming down and eating them, so I'm telling them to fuck off!"

Mother Theresa says, "No! No! That's not how you do it! You say 'Shoo! Shoo!'
Then they'll fuck off."

[Gentle Giant]

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.

That way, you'll be a mile away...and you'll have his shoes.

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes, "Taa-Daa!"

[Monte Smith]

Three nuns get killed in a car wreck and arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter meets them there and asks them if they are blameless, for if they are blameless they may enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. But if they are not, they may visit the Well of Grace to wash away any remaining sins.

Sister Mary says, "Oh Peter, with this hand I sinned. I did give Father Berrigan a handjob not a fortnight ago."

Saint Peter is, of course, shocked by this confession. But all in all, Sister Mary's life has been a good one, dedicated to mercy and the service of others, and so he says, "Sister Mary, wash off your hand in the Well of Grace and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven." Which she does, and Peter directs his attention to Sister Margaret.

Sister Margaret says, "Oh holy Peter, I too...."

But Sister Helen interrupts. "Hey Peter! I gotta tell you...."

Saint Peter says, "Tut tut, Sister Helen. Be not impatient, for if you are blameless you will soon dwell with the Lord Our God."

"Yeah but...."

"Tut. Go ahead, Sister Margaret," Peter directs.

Sister Margaret says, "Oh Peter, I too have been unclean. Father Berrigan and I were together not a week ago and...."

Sister Helen interrupts again. "Peter," she says, "I really have to mention something."

Saint Peter loses his patience. "Helen, there is time and grace enough for all God's children here. Fear not on that score."

Sister Helen says, "Yeah I know that. But I gave Father Berrigan a blowjob and I want to gargle at the Well of Grace before Sister Margaret sticks her fat ass in it."

[Vince Kargatis]

Two mathematicians are sitting in a bar.

Mathematician 1: "I find most people today mathematically illiterate. Sad, really."

Mathematician 2: "Oh, c'mon, I think a lotta people have a decent grasp of math!"

M1: "Oh please, no way." Waves his hand dismissively and heads to the restroom.

M2 waves their waitress over, says "Excuse me miss - will you help me win a bet with my friend when he returns? When I ask you a question, you answer '1/3 x-cubed', ok?"

Waitress shrugs and says "Sure, no problem" and heads off.

M1 comes back, and M2 says "Ok, I'll bet you a beer that a random person can answer a basic math question correctly."

M1: "Sure, you're on."

M2 waves their waitress over, asks "Excuse me miss, can you tell me what the integral of X-squared is?"

Waitress smiles, and answers, "Sure, 1/3 X-cubed plus a constant."

[John P. Cooper]

A man walking on the beach finds an ancient bottle , uncorks it and a genie appears and grants him one wish. The guy wishes that he had a penis that was long enough to touch the ground, so the genie cuts off his legs.

[Gary Delligatti]

so---what's on an atheist's tombstone?

All dressed up and no place to go!!

My kids told me that one

Originally Posted by Vince Kargatis

Two mathematicians are sitting in a bar.

Mathematician 1: "I find most people today mathematically illiterate. Sad, really."

Mathematician 2: "Oh, c'mon, I think a lotta people have a decent grasp of math!"

M1: "Oh please, no way." Waves his hand dismissively and heads to the restroom.

M2 waves their waitress over, says "Excuse me miss - will you help me win a bet with my friend when he returns? When I ask you a question, you answer '1/3 x-cubed', ok?"

Waitress shrugs and says "Sure, no problem" and heads off.

M1 comes back, and M2 says "Ok, I'll bet you a beer that a random person can answer a basic math question correctly."

M1: "Sure, you're on."

M2 waves their waitress over, asks "Excuse me miss, can you tell me what the integral of X-squared is?"

Waitress smiles, and answers, "Sure, 1/3 X-cubed plus a constant."

I don't get it(and I really want to).

[claude]

The Rabbi & the Taxman

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the Books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all
the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

[Noj]

Originally Posted by jazzbluescat

I don't get it(and I really want to).

Not that I know, but judging by how the joke is set up I'd guess the waitress' answer is more precisely correct than the one she was given.

[Douglas]

[Douglas]

Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to armbears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent mostof our family holidays in Customs.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgowl which means they're incredibly hard, but Iwas never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get meto sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in lace>Britainlace> if blindpeople were given pointed sticks?
-- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots andpunched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thoughtthe obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take theGirl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both awinner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you gojoin the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm notvery good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through atunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

[Vince Kargatis]

Originally Posted by Noj

Not that I know, but judging by how the joke is set up I'd guess the waitress' answer is more precisely correct than the one she was given.

Yes, that's it. So the joke revolves around the hypocrisy of mathematician 2, and the irony that his random selection supports his stated position that he himself doesn't really believe.

Another geek joke:

Biologist, physicist, and mathematician are sitting at a cafe. Across the street, they watch two people enter a house, then later three people leave.

Biologist says, "Well, they reproduced."

Physicist says, "Eh, inaccurate measurement."

Mathematician says, "Now if one more person enters the house, it'll be empty."

[RBS]

This horse goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"


This rabbi goes into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that?"
The frog says, "Brooklyn."

[Doc Martin]

Originally Posted by RBS

This rabbi goes into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that?"
The frog says, "Brooklyn."

This might funny only to New Yorkers. Be that as it may.

Harry & Jack are sitting on a bench in Central Park, talking about their retirement.
Harry: I got this new hobby.
Jack: That’s nice..
Harry: Yeah, I got 2,000 bees in my apartment.
Jack: Two thousand, huh? Where do you keep ‘em?
Harry: I keep ‘em in a shoebox.”
Jack: A shoebox? You live in a two room apartment on third street, aren’t the bees uncomfortable?
Harry: Fuck ‘em

[rene]

Subject: Baseball Icon Yogi Berra on the Subject of Jazz


Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?

Yogi: I can't, but I will. Ninety percent of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.

Interviewer: I don't understand.

Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's
too complicated. That's whats so simple about it.

Interviewer: Do you understand it?

Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know
anything about it.

Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?

Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the
ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that
are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill
for it.

Interviewer: What is syncopation?

Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because
that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz,
but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.

Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.

Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.

[moneyp]

A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenburg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Dr. Heisenburg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"



Professor: What is the integral of dcabin over cabin?

Student: Log cabin .... ha ha

Professor: No, its a house boat! You forgot to add the C!

[Vince Kargatis]

Originally Posted by mone peterson

A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenburg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Dr. Heisenburg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"

Hafta say, the "EXACTLY" ruins the joke for this geek. I'd leave it out, statement becomes drier and more casual (and therefore not so wrong).

Geek out...

[bluenoter]

Originally Posted by Vince Kargatis

Hafta say, the "EXACTLY" ruins the joke for this geek.

It's the misspelling of Heisenberg that ruins it for me.

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?"

The ornery old grandmas, snarked and snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,
"Because you told us yesterday!"

You know you're an extreme redneck when:

-You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
-The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
-You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
-You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
-You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
-You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
-Your wife's hairdo was ruined by a ceiling fan.
-Your junior prom offered day care.
-You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen,start your engines."
-You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
-You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
-You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
-You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Gentle Giant]

I saw Tommy Makem in concert on Friday night and he told so many funny stories in between his wonderful songs. I can't remember all of them, but here's one. Hopefully I can do it justice.


O'Brien's feeling kind of lonely and decides he needs a pet. So he goes walking in the fields to look at the various creatures and decide which one he wants. He walks for a while and suddenly spies a centipede on a rock. "Just the thing!" he exclaims, and picks up the centipede and tucks into his matchbox. He walks home and puts the matchbox on the window sill.

He goes about his business for a few hours and then decides to get a drink. He goes up to the matchbox and calls to it, "I'm going to the pub for a pint. Do you want to come?" There's no answer, which upsets O'Brien. "Fine pet," he mutters and walks away. A little while later, he cools off and goes back to the matchbox. "I'm going to the pub for a pint. Do you want to come?" he asks again. Still no answer.

Now O'Brien is really angry. He marches to his bedroom, cursing the little centipede all the while. Finally, he decides to try once more. He walks over to the matchbox and says loudly, "I'm going to the pub for a pint. Do you want to come?"

The centipede says, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes."

[moneyp]

Originally Posted by bluenoter

It's the misspelling of Heisenberg that ruins it for me.

Don't blame me, I just copied and pasted.

[claude]

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to
quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments asked,
"How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"

[clinthopson]

True story:

The other day we were reviewing scholarship applications for community college graduates who are transferring to a four year university.

Among the papers is the student's transcript. Some of the course titles are not what us old guys had in our salad days.

One young man had a "C" in Sexuality.

One of the panel said "How can you get a 'C' in Sexuality."

I said "You finish first."

[Monte Smith]

Originally Posted by clinthopson

True story:

The other day we were reviewing scholarship applications for community college graduates who are transferring to a four year university.

Among the papers is the student's transcript. Some of the course titles are not what us old guys had in our salad days.

One young man had a "C" in Sexuality.

One of the panel said "How can you get a 'C' in Sexuality."

I said "You finish first."

Ha!

[clinthopson]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"