Unexplained Snacks of America

[mke]

Actually, I'd like help on some of these...

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Unexplained Snacks of America

‘Grits’ only sound edible if you know what they are; and even then you could argue otherwise. Australian Matt Roden guesses what’s in the boxes of our popular foods.


A lot of American television and movies are shown here in Australia, and for the most part any Stateside pop-culture references made are either previously known or easily decoded. Food and beverage references, however, are an entirely different matter. A lot of the bigger and better brands are already out here – Oreos, Big Red, we’ve even got a few McDonalds. A lot that aren’t available here are still easy to work out – Drake’s Coffee Cake and Junior Mints, for example. But buffalo wings? Bear claws? Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? What are you doing, shots of sandwich spread now? Here’s a few of America’s unexplained foodstuffs deciphered by an unknowing Australian.



Grits

This one… I have no idea. They eat it in The Shawshank Redemption so I can guess it’s from the southern U.S. and it’s probably some kind of food for the poor and downtrodden. So is it just what it sounds like? Are you just sitting in front of a bowl full of grit – basically just bits of rock – and spooning gravel into your mouths? Do you put sugar on it? I don’t even know if it’s a savory or sweet meal of pebbles. Unless you’re that guy from The Neverending Story, it’s simple – don’t eat rocks.

Educated guess: Maybe a cereal byproduct – like porridge, but with texture.

Instant assumption: A mouthful of sand.



Hush Puppies

In Australia, Hush Puppies are a brand of shoe. We also have a brand of shoes called Grosby’s – whose mascot is a dog. I get the two companies confused. And as Grosby’s is a brand of shoe mainly for old people (most of their shoes are gray and have a zipper up one side), all I can picture when people describe or mention eating hush puppies is a couple of old people, dressed in suits on really hot days, tucking into a meal that is identical to what’s on their feet.

Educated guess: Something like hash browns.

Instant assumption: Loafers for lunch.



Tums

These I think are lollies, just because in an episode of something I saw someone carrying a packet of them. I think they bought them at a chemist, which gives me the inclination that they’re crappy chemist lollies, like Fisherman’s Friends – high-strength, sinus-clearing, disgusting tabs of torture; I think one of their flavors is horseradish – or jelly beans. And not those luxury popcorn and peanut butter and pina colada jelly beans. No, I’m thinking of the ones that taste like Benedrine – a cough-related gargling syrup that tastes like the sea is bleeding into your mouth. But ‘Tums’ also make me think of ‘gums’ which remind me of babies, so following that train of thought I’m imagining some sort of milk-flavored Altoid.

Educated guess: Vaguely medicinal candy.

Instant assumption: A tin full of edible teeth.



Mr. Pibbs

It’s a drink. That is all I know. It sounds really old, like ‘soda fountain’ old. (I still don’t know whether you guys have actual fountains of soda. Please say you do. It would mean that every town had its own little Wonka Factory at work, and a guy in a paper hat would just hand you a glass and say, ‘Go nuts,’ and you’d go ahead and dunk the glass into the soda fountain and drink away until you popped – which, I believe, is where ‘soda pop’ came from.) So if it’s really old then it’s probably one of those ridiculous flavors like sarsaparilla or root beer or even cola, because god knows you couldn’t just use something like strawberry in those days. But it’s such a nerdy sounding drink that I can’t imagine drinking it out of anything but a really, really thin straw that matches my tie and suspenders.

Educated guess: Cheap Dr. Pepper.

Instant assumption: Mr. Peabody on ice.



Collard Greens

So we’re talking vegetables, I think. ‘Collard’ reminds me of ‘colander,’ so I would say that what you’ve done is boil up a whole bunch of spinach and served it to the table still in the colander. What results is a big, wet, wilted mess of green, still steaming and in danger of wetting everything else on your plate. Or because ‘collard’ is also like ‘collared,’ and that means a shirt with a little more class, maybe it’s all these stalks of something in a little pyramid of neatness. Wet, steaming, wilted neatness.

Educated guess: Slop of silver beet.

Instant assumption: Slop of spinach.



Pork Rinds

When you have bacon you have the pink bit, which is gold, the white bit, which if you’re especially health-conscious you’ll cut off, and the yellow bit, which you’ll throw out. Unless you’re Homer Simpson, and therefore in America, where you buy it as a snack. This is what they are, isn’t it? You guys invented jerky (whoever says it was invented by desert people or sailors is very wrong, because unless you package it and sell it at petrol stations, you haven’t invented crap), so I wouldn’t put it past you to just go around filching crackling off everybody’s Christmas dinner plates and selling it. Big fatty lumps of hard, chewy, hair-encrusted pig skin. Mmmm mmm.

Educated guess: A crispy fried snack with pork flavoring.

Instant assumption: A bag of gristle.



Clark Bars

This has to be the most boring sounding chocolate bar ever. Unless it’s not – it might be some muesli and dried-fruit concoction for all I know, which would make heaps more sense. I’d guess it was invented in the ‘50s, before people had exciting adjectives or the predilection to simply invent words when naming products, like ‘Blammo!’ and ‘Wazchunk!!’ Thus, it’s the worst-named candy bar ever. If you wanted to entice kids you would name the chocolate after the superhero, not the bland alter-ego. But again, I could be completely off the mark. Maybe it’s a chocolate bar aimed entirely at Fred MacMurray.

Educated guess: A simple bar of chocolate. Maybe with licorice.

Instant assumption: A piece of cardboard with ‘CANDY’ written on it.



Snapple

This is just juice, isn’t it? People, i.e., characters on Seinfeld, carry on and on, but it’s only fruit in liquid form. I’m on to you. Do you know in our country we have a juice called ‘Just Juice?’ It’s honest and doesn’t show off and tastes pretty good. But admittedly we don’t have a big juice market. We don’t even have a big soft-drink market. Once I went to a Pakistani restaurant and they had way cooler drinks than we do, like this one that tasted like a fairy-floss cloud rained into a bottle. But back to Snapple: It gets big-ups on a lot of shows and movies, and you assume it must be something brilliant, but I’ve learnt not to expect too much. Dominos cream-cheese pizza crust taught me that.

Educated guess: Fruit juice with a good marketing team.

Instant assumption: Elixir of the gods, ambrosia from a vending machine.

[Sergio Zamora]

Lollies? Chemist? What the hell is he talking about?

[mke]

Originally Posted by Sergio Zamora

Lollies? Chemist? What the hell is he talking about?

Are you being serious or merely vindictive?

[Brian Olewnick]

The amazing thing is that your list constituted every portion of Sergio's dinner last night.

[jesus marion joseph]

I find it interesting that the aurthor would claim that a food eaten in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" would connote southern origins, since the film was set in a prison in Maine, which is about as far north as one can get in the lower 48. Even moreso since he is actually correct.

When I was a kid I was a Boy Scout in North Carolina, and I used to take packets of flavored instant grits on hiking trips. Usually cheese flavored grits. God that was awful stuff.

[Jazzzoline]

I'm Canadian and the only I know from the list is Snapple, the juice.

[Brian Olewnick]

Originally Posted by Jazzzoline

I'm Canadian and the only I know from the list is Snapple, the juice.

Great for washing down poutine!

[Sergio Zamora]

Originally Posted by mke

Are you being serious or merely vindictive?

Sorta serious. I assume a chemist is a pharmacist, but who buys tums from a pharmacist? (i mean, you could go to a drug store to buy them, but you don't go up to the pharmacist's counter and ask for them). And lollies might be lollipops, but that doesn't make any sense.

[Sergio Zamora]

Originally Posted by Brian Olewnick

The amazing thing is that your list constituted every portion of Sergio's dinner last night.

Too many carbs for me.

[shrugs]

Try some garlic cheese grits and maybe you'll change your mind.

[jesus marion joseph]

Originally Posted by shrugs

Try some garlic cheese grits and maybe you'll change your mind.

Didn't even know they existed! As a Boy Scout we whiled away many hours around the camp fire thinking up new grits flavors. Blueberry was a favorite. We also used to toss Tang into the fire because it made the flames flare up. Sometimes firecrackers, too, if the scoutmaster was asleep.

[Ron Thorne]

Grits - Made from hominy (product of corn). Similar in texture (when properly made) to Cream of Wheat, though should never be eaten with a sweetener, unless you're a New Englander. :-) I grew up eating and loving grits, mostly with copious amounts of butter in the "well" (depression) you make in the middle with the back of a spoon. I also love cheese grits or the version shrugs suggested. Awesome breakfast staple of the southern states, mostly.

Hush Puppies - Another product of southern American cooking. A wonderful deep-fried concoction of corn meal, flour, onions, salt & pepper which is formed into a golf ball-sized piece and fried in deep fat or oil. Usually Served with fish and coleslaw.

* Nothing like hashbrowns!

Collard Greens - Love 'em! Typically somewhat overcooked in the south with onions and salt pork for extra flavor. A green leafy vegetable similar to Spinach, Mustard Greens and Swiss Chard. Another southern U.S. vegetable staple along with black-eyed peas. Yummmmmmmmmmm.

Recipes available upon request.

Mr. Pibbs - A Dr. Pepper soft drink ripoff.

[SinginSumo]

Terrific thread, mke!

Clark Bar - Chocolate coated peanut butter-flavored crispy interior. Most chocolate bar fans would enjoy this.

http://www.clarkbar.com/clarkbarhome.html


Snapple - NOT just juice. Juice flavored names but invariably with lots of sugar added.

http://www.snapple.com/home.asp?skip=0


Tums - Not candy but over-the-counter remedy for heartburn.

http://tums.com/

[Pete C]

Didn't Sidney Poitier play Mr. Pibbs?

[SinginSumo]

Ya doesn't have to call HIM "Johnson" either.

[Ron Thorne]

I love this thread creation, too, mke!

The items I referenced are not snacks, however.

Here's some information on grits and their origins. There's also a related link to catfish and hushpuppies, among others. Damn, I'm gettin' hungry and it's bed time.

Here are some very good grits recipes.

Oh yeah, and Andouille Sausage Cheese Grits ala Emeril Lagasse.



Two of the most common seasoning ingredients in southern U.S. cooking are onions and salt pork (or ham hocks). In Louisiana (especially), garlic is king, which is fine with me.

Grits ... they're not just for breakfast anymore.

I'm goin' to bed.

[mke]

Thanks for the food info.

[vibes]

Ron, thanks for posting those grits recipe links. I think I'm going to try a couple out. I had some cheese grits (my one and only experience with grits) in DC a couple years ago, and have been wanting more ever since.

[Tom Storer]

Originally Posted by Sergio Zamora

Sorta serious. I assume a chemist is a pharmacist, but who buys tums from a pharmacist? (i mean, you could go to a drug store to buy them, but you don't go up to the pharmacist's counter and ask for them). And lollies might be lollipops, but that doesn't make any sense.

Well, he didn't know what Tums were, did he? He thought they were some kind of medicinal "lollies" bought at a pharmacy. "Lollies" clearly means not lollipops specifically but "things you suck on," since he compares them to Fishermen's Friends. Makes perfect sense. Plus he was no doubt writing for an Australian audience which would understand what he meant.

It's possible that in Australia you can only get medicated stuff at pharmacies. And that in pharmacies the only counter is the pharmacist's counter. Here in France, for example, pharmacies only sell pharmaceutical and related products--no candy, magazines, batteries, newspapers, etc. etc.

BWTHDIK?

[SinginSumo]

Originally Posted by Sergio Zamora

Sorta serious. I assume a chemist is a pharmacist, but who buys tums from a pharmacist? (i mean, you could go to a drug store to buy them, but you don't go up to the pharmacist's counter and ask for them). And lollies might be lollipops, but that doesn't make any sense.

I would strongly recommend that you travel to diverse countries and cultures as a means of learning for its own sake (among many other reasons).

[Phil_Meloy]

I'm assuming "Cream of Wheat" is something like porridge which is a breakfast meal made by boiling crushed oats in water until it achieves a thick runny consistency and then served with milk and a sweetener (optional) - am I close?

PS. Tom is spot on with "lollies"

[hglord]

Yes, Phil, but Cream of Wheat is - surprise - made from crushed wheat. It's usually served with a little milk or cream and butter.

[Al in NYC]

Originally Posted by SinginSumo

I would strongly recommend that you travel to diverse countries and cultures as a means of learning for its own sake (among many other reasons).

Goodness some folks are sensitive about a little funny.

Well, he pretty much nailed the pork rinds though, didn't he?

[john williams]

LOL!

Yes, Tom is right about lollies and sorta right about chemists. We can get a certain amount of medicated stuff at supermarkets and we can also buy batteries etc at chemists.

Funny thread mke.

Our Tums = Quik-eze, and you can buy them almost anywhere. They taste like chalk.

[Gentle Giant]

Circus Peanuts! (aka, chewy orange chalk that neither includes nor tastes like peanuts that you can't stop eating no matter how unpleasant they seem to be)

[Darryl]

Here's one for you and I swears to Gods it's the Gods honest truth.

There's this chick I knew, Lois, right. Lois was some old school name but she was like 20 years olds and been with abouts 43 guys. She taughts me a lot boy!!!!

One times I came home and she had whipped creams all over her sweet vanilla frame! She be all gleering and leering at me, waiting for Dr. Love to make his presence known! Music playin' in the background, sweet soft lights and many hours of sweet love on the floor and bathtub and even once in the kitchen sink!

Now that was snacktimes! Another ones of Loises favorite snacks was puddin', the chocolate kinds that Bill Cosby yaps about with his big smirk.

She rubsed it all up and down herself while I watched!!! Can you believe that! TWENTY YEARS OLD!

And another times she comed over with leather gloves and the fingertips cut off and a bra with holes cut out in them!

We broke up soon thereafter because she was too immature for me. Be all sittin' on other peoples laps in bars and whatnots.

I still helpsed her move out of her crib though because she gave me many hours of pleasure an all that. But the thing was I helpsed her move with two other ex-boyfriends. What the fuck was up with that?

[tippy]

The only true snacks listed on the list are the Clark bar and pork rinds. The rest (except for soft drink and tums which isn't a food at all but a medicine or calcium supplement) are foods. Duh. It's not like there aren't ample snacks to be criticized. I thought this was going to be about candy that kids squirt into their mouth from toothpaste-like tubes. Or how about those snowball things that fascinated me as a kid. I would just stare and stare at them in the checkout pretty pink or green or blue artificially colored marshmallow mini-baked alaska looking thing (poor poor man's baked alaska) as my mother would repeatedly remind me that I wouldn't like them. I broke her resolve once and guess what? She was right, I didn't like them way too sweet. Ding dongs weren't as pretty but tasted much better.

Instead this guy picks on grits and collard greens? Grits might be of suspect nutritional value but so is any starch really. But the greens are laden with vitamins and minerals. Clark bars? Mr. Pibb's? When was this article written anyway--30 years ago? This wiener missed the boat.

[Gentle Giant]

Perhaps that Australian dude can explain Vegemite and Marmite to us.

[john williams]

Originally Posted by Gentle Giant

Perhaps that Australian dude can explain Vegemite and Marmite to us.

I am a resident of Australia and I can't even explain Vegemite and Marmite (vile!). I think Marmite is English though.

This wiener missed the boat.

Er, yeah but he was just responding to the cultural detritus we are continually subjected to via TV. I think the article was a joke, a bit of fun that's all. I am sure if you saw any Aussie tv you might ask some questions about the junk we eat, but I forget you are at the centre of the universe and how dare we question your eating habits. A snack in Australia can be anything really it doesn't have to be junk food or confectionary. Remember we are literally bombarded with this stuff on telly over here and are bound to be a little curious.

[Phil_Meloy]

Quite simple GG - both are a bit similiar in that they are both yeast extracts - Marmite is British while Vegemite is Australian - however Vegemite is a far superior tasting product possibly because it is made from leftover brewer's yeast (a by-product of beer manufacture). Also Marmite comes in a really silly pain-in-the-arse curved jar which makes it damn near impossible to get all the Marmite out! Just look at the trouble this poor little fella's havin'. I bet his mum wishes she'd got him a jar of Vegemite instead.