Quiz Number One

[Dr Dave]

1. List no fewer than three and no more than ten personal qualities that make you suitable to be Maximum Leader Of The Entire Globe. (Any responses that make reference to Presidential Candidates—ANY Presidential Candidates—will be DISQUALIFIED. See below, also)

2. Have you stopped beating your grandmother for beer money? (Answer YES or NO)

3. Are You Hot Or Not? (Text answers only. Respondents who include images will be DISQUALIFIED.)

4. Ray Charles or Arturo Toscanini?

5. How much time do you spend watching television?

6. What is your favorite television commercial? (You may choose ONE and ONLY ONE television commercial; however, you may explicate at length why you prefer it).


Nota Bene: EVERY QUESTION must be answered. Any answers that make reference to Presidential Candidates will be DISQUALIFIED.

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

1. All-knowing, supremely compassionate, endearingly humble.

2. No, not as long as I continue to suspect her of holding out on me. And I will always suspect her of holding out on me.

3. I sizzle and smolder.

4. Charlie Toscanini

5. Zero.

6. Less than zero.

[crawjo]

1.

a. I am 6'7", which means that when I ride by on horseback little kids will think I'm like eight feet tall and be really impressed.

b. I've read Proust's A la recherche du temps perdu all the way through. That's more than 3,000 pages, which demonstrates that I have a long attention span and can understand the nuances of complicated issues and personalities.

c. Like Sun Ra, I come from the Planet Saturn. This means that I have mastered interplanatary travel, which is no small potatoes considering that our planet is doomed. Plus, with my wide shoulders, at least one small man and one small woman can ride on my back, thus ensuring that a midget-version of the human race lives on in the galaxy.

d. I am very compassionate. I have not eaten meat in the last two years, and I have not committed any felonies in at least five years.

e. I have discriminating tastes. Superman II is an infinitely better movie than Superman I.

2. YES

3. NOT

4. Ray Charles

5. Approximately 0-3 hours each week.

6. My favorite television commercial is the first AFLAC commercial featuring the duck. At the time it was released, it was the greatest accomplishment in the history of moving pictures. For those who don't remember, a DUCK wanders out of a fountain in a park (the body of water here perhaps signifying the primordial ooze from which all life emerged so many millenia ago) and miraculously navigates the wide chasm separating species from species, by mastering a rudimentary form of verbal communication. Not only can he quack, he can now say "AFLAC", which demonstrates a grasp of more than one consonant sound and also a discriminating taste when it comes to supplemental insurance. Yet, tragedy of tragedies, the duck's advice is ignored by the two men who are discussing supplemental insurance on the park bench in front of him. Neither man can remember the name of the supplemental insurance company, and the duck, who DOES know the name, is ignored. In fact, when he says the name of the company "AFLAC", one of the men sitting on the bench throws him a crumb, without even deigning to look at the creature who holds the answer to his question. Signifying the self-esteem that flows from his newly-won powers of articulation, the duck looks at the crumb at his webbed feet with contempt. Surely, he has not mastered the art of speech merely to be fed another crumb! So what does he do? He succeeds in KICKING the crumb right back at the man, hitting him in the side of the face. Yet, even after this acrobatic accomplishment, the duck is ignored. The man merely absent-mindedly brushes away the crumb without even looking at the duck. Thus, by the end of the commercial, the duck is left to ruminate on the existential folly of his existence, the torment of his life: that he has scaled the Mt. Everest of animal cognition, and that he has a message for the world, but that this message will go unheeded. Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, his knowledge becomes a curse, and he is forever condemned to wander the Earth, spreading his message to simple-minded fools who continue to ignore him.

The director of this commercial managed to convey all these meanings within the span of 30 seconds: a refutation of Darwinian evolution, a tragicomic encounter between brilliant beast and boorish man, and a clear, unmistakeable reference to Old Testament mythology, all while conveying the underlying truth that it is, indeed, AFLAC insurance that provides great supplemental coverage. So perhaps the final irony of the piece is this: though the duck believes himself to be frustrated in his attempts to convey the knowledge that haunts him, his message does in fact reach the entire world, through the catholic lens of the camera.

[Pete C]

1. a. Though I can't solve world hunger, I can recommend great restaurants in at least 25 countries.

b. I support the Jazz Festival initiative.

c. I don't want the job.


2. No.

3. Hot.

4. Ray Charles.

5. Not much.

6. I'm currently fond of the Heimlich maneuver commercial for a Scottish Bank--"Less talk."

[Deke]

1. I don't want the job. Since anyone who wants the job is obviously the wrong person for it, this makes me uniquely ideal.

2. No. (I have no grandmother).

3. Absolutely not, although I do get a bit warm while playing.

4. Ray Charles. Who is Arturo Toscanini?

5. Pretty much about as long as the programme I'm watching.

6. The one for Strand cigarettes. It had a great jazz score, and was also the most unsuccessful TV ad of all time.

Ralph Nader.

Damn...

[Dr Dave]

1. List no fewer than three and no more than ten personal qualities that make you suitable to be Maximum Leader Of The Entire Globe:
1. As of this date, I hate no state. Well, except for a few, and they know who they are, and when I'm in charge they will damned well behave or face the severest consequences.
2. I am, despite everything, proud to be an American, and yet I also love France. This marks me as a man of nearly cosmic good will.
3. I will offer up my person for sacrifice to the Islamic peoples of the world, if they will stop thinking about their humiliation and start treating women like human beings.

2. Have you stopped beating your grandmother for beer money? (Answer YES or NO) NO.

3. Are You Hot Or Not? (Text answers only. Respondents who include images will be DISQUALIFIED.) I am not hot. I am cool.

4. Ray Charles or Arturo Toscanini? Ray Charles, of course.

5. How much time do you spend watching television? About twelve hours a week. I watch "The News Hour With Jim Lehrer" and sometimes "Nightly Business Report," plus right now I'm watching a laugher between the Yankees and the Mets.

6. What is your favorite television commercial? (You may choose ONE and ONLY ONE television commercial; however, you may explicate at length why you prefer it).

My favorite television commercial has been off the air for probably 30 years. It was an ad for Piels Beer. It starred Jimmy Breslin. Jimmy sat at a bar, surrounded by fellow New Yorkers, none of whom were celebrities. He mused about beer commercials that showed people water-skiing. Then he asks the guy sitting next to him, "Hey, Delany, you ever been on a speedboat?" To which Delany answers, "Nah, I was on a destroyer." Breslin faces the camera and says "Piels is a good, easy-drinking beer. Now if you''ll excuse me, I'm gonna do some weight-lifting." And turns away from the camera to lift his frosty mug.

It was the most memorable beer commercial, ever.

[Monte Smith]

1. List no fewer than three and no more than ten personal qualities that make you suitable to be Maximum Leader Of The Entire Globe.

Charm.
Magnanimity
Fine cock.
Familiarity with the issues.
Trigger happy.
Serious moral purpose.

2. Have you stopped beating your grandmother for beer money?

No.

3. Are You Hot Or Not? (Text answers only. Respondents who include images will be DISQUALIFIED.)

What are you kidding me? I'm hotter than three strips of bacon on the ass of an Argentine gaucho.

4. Ray Charles or Arturo Toscanini?

At this point in my life, having committed the oeuvre of Ray Charles to memory, I am going to choose, uncooly, Arturo Toscanini.

5. How much time do you spend watching television?

It is constantly on C-Span or CNN or Fox, but I am barely watching.

6. What is your favorite television commercial? (You may choose ONE and ONLY ONE television commercial; however, you may explicate at length why you prefer it).

An old one from my past in the DC area for Joon Rhee Karate. It featured two Korean kids testifying to the effectiveness of the master's training:

"Nobody boddah me."
"Nobody boddah me eedah!"

I like it because it is "racist," that is because it is authentic and un-PC. "Nobody boddah me!" Hee hee!

[frankenmeister7]

Originally Posted by Dr Dave

1. List no fewer than three and no more than ten personal qualities that make you suitable to be Maximum Leader Of The Entire Globe. (Any responses that make reference to Presidential Candidates—ANY Presidential Candidates—will be DISQUALIFIED. See below, also)

2. Have you stopped beating your grandmother for beer money? (Answer YES or NO)

3. Are You Hot Or Not? (Text answers only. Respondents who include images will be DISQUALIFIED.)

4. Ray Charles or Arturo Toscanini?

5. How much time do you spend watching television?

6. What is your favorite television commercial? (You may choose ONE and ONLY ONE television commercial; however, you may explicate at length why you prefer it).


Nota Bene: EVERY QUESTION must be answered. Any answers that make reference to Presidential Candidates will be DISQUALIFIED.

1. i am a woman and mother. the nurturing of mankind. if you were born under a rock, its yer own damned fault.

2. my grandmother is alive at 106 and doesn't like beer. baileys is what knocks her out. would never get the chance to get near her to beat her up. she has a chin made of granite and a left hook that would have u sailing into the next exclipse.

3. depends on the weather or oh............never mind. ask the future mr. wanp.

4. Ray Charles is the best. they are not in the same league.

5. i spend more time on tv than the average ape.

6. hate commercials.....but if i have to pick one its the old xerox commercials about them not working and how folks go to great lengths to execute them.

is that all or do you want more answers.

[clinthopson]

1. List no fewer than three and no more than ten personal qualities that make you suitable to be Maximum Leader Of The Entire Globe. (Any responses that make reference to Presidential Candidates—ANY Presidential Candidates—will be DISQUALIFIED. See below, also)

My strength is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure, i only have eyes for you, I was out of the loop

2. Have you stopped beating your grandmother for beer money? (Answer YES or NO)

No, She used to kick the crap out of me for my stash.

3. Are You Hot Or Not? (Text answers only. Respondents who include images will be DISQUALIFIED.)

I'm very sweaty

4. Ray Charles or Arturo Toscanini?

Neither, I'm more of a Sammy Kaye man.

5. How much time do you spend watching television?

Time watching television is never ill spent when you are napping

6. What is your favorite television commercial? (You may choose ONE and ONLY ONE television commercial; however, you may explicate at length why you prefer it).

The one where the guy is smiling because he's using that pill with the suggestive name that makes his life complete. I think it has something to do with getting laid.