Best Jazz One-Liners from Non-Jazz Movies & Sitcoms

[Lois Gilbert]

In "Billy Madison," Adam Sandler wants to help a 9-year old who just peed in his pants - so he pours water on his pants and states, "It's cool to pee in your pants." An old lady standing by - says, "Well, if it's cool to pee in your pants - than I must be Miles Davis."

Your turn

[Squaredancecalling Steve]

Radio shows count, too, yes? Then P.D.Q. Bach (Peter Schikele), who closes his radio shows (which are primarily but not exclusively devoted to classical music), with: "Remember, it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that certain je ne sais quoi."

[Lois Gilbert]

Roseanne is talking to her daughter and says, "You don't want to be as wimpy as Kenny G."

[JazzJunkie]

I guess Lawrence Welk fits the non-jazz bill, and even though he claimed to be a big fan, he introduced his arrangement of Billy Strayhorn's tune as, "And now we're going to play the song, "Take A Train." (That's one of Buddy Rich's stories, who apparently gets hysterical every time he tells it.)

[Jeff Albert]

I believe it was in The Russia House, Sean Connery (playing a publisher and amatuer jazz saxophonist) is being questioned by the CIA. He is asked if he has encountered anyone with anarchist tendencies, in his dealings with jazz musicians. He replies that there was this one trombone player...who was the only jazz musician that he had ever met that didn't have anarchist tendencies.

[sonic1]

This is more than one line but...

From Ralph Ellison Invisible Man

...Once I asked for a cigerette, some jokers gave me a reefer, which I lighted when I got home and sat listening to my phonograph. It was a strange evening. Invisibility, let me explain, gives one a slightly different sense of time, your'e never quite on the beat. Sometimes your'e ahead and sometimes your'e behind. Instead of the swift and imperceptible flowing of time, you are aware of its nodes, those points where time stands still or from which it leaps ahead. And you slip into the breaks and look around. That what you hear vaguely in Louis' music. "

[Lois Gilbert]

Jeff

lol

[Rob C]

Bart Simpson: "Ah, cartoons: America's only native artform. [Pause.] I don't count jazz, 'cause it sucks."

[GA Russell]

Maybe ten years ago there was a syndicated TV show that some of you may have seen. It was on Saturday nights late in Atlanta and probably elsewhere.

It was a comedy show pretending to be a talk show of the Phil Donahue sort. I remember once they had a spoof of the OJ trial, and the punch line was, "If the condom doesn't fit, you must acquit."

Anyway, out of the blue the host once says, "What's the groove, Holmes?"

[barry]

From Homer Simpson, complaining about his daughter Lisa's jazz baritone sax playing: that jazz stuff "it sounds like they're making it up as they go along."

[Lois Gilbert]

who is playing the sax on the Simposons?

[stonemonkts]

The house is hot and sticky, and the Simpsons do not have air conditioning. Lisa has no place to practice her saxophone and it ends up being destroyed. Lisa asks the family to tell about how she originally got the instrument. In a flash back to the 1980s, Bart is having trouble in school. Homer and Marge go to talk to the school counselor and they bring Lisa along. The counselor notices that Lisa is a child prodigy. They look for a preschool that will help develop Lisa's gifts. Finding them too expensive, Homer gets her a saxophone instead, using the air conditioner fund. After telling the story, Homer decides to take the new air conditioner fund and buys her a new saxophone.

Inscription on Lisa's new sax:
Dear Lisa, may your new saxophone bring you many years of "DOH!!".

[Bill Barton]

Originally Posted by Lois Gilbert

who is playing the sax on the Simposons?

Y'know, I've been wondering that for ages...

[ormsbop]

Most of the bari work is by a session guy by the name of Terry Harrington

Check the credits at the bottom.

[Vince Kargatis]

Lily Tomlin to Steve Martin in All Of Me:

By the way, I never liked your dog,
and I think jazz is STUPID!

And I faked all those orgasms.

[Lois Gilbert]

"Crossing Jordan" she walks into the Coroner's office & they're playing Coltrane's version of "My Favorite Things." She says to her boss, "since when did you start playing happy music around here?" He says, (I'm paraphrasing) "Get with it Jordan, it's Coltrane."

[ormsbop]

Patrick Starfish advising Spongebob on how to be an adult:

"To be a man, puff out your chest, say 'dividends', and form an appreciation for freeform jazz."

[Khaled Ahmad]

Originally Posted by ormsbop

Patrick Starfish advising Spongebob on how to be an adult:

"To be a man, puff out your chest, say 'dividends', and form an appreciation for freeform jazz."

Ha, I've seen bits and parts of that episode. Later on, after Patrick gives up on being a man, Spongebob walks in on him eating cookies, and Patrick says something about how much he hated being an adult:

"....and besides, I don't even like Jazz."

[bluesaway]

It's not from a film or tv but from a radio sketch show.

"That new marriage counsellor has a great way of dealing with couples who refuse to speak to each other"

"Really....what is that?"

"He plays them a rcording of a jazz musician playing a double bass solo. They immediately start talking in the loudest voice possible".

[Lois Gilbert]

What's the story with BeBop Cowboy on the Cartoon Network?