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IS RALPH NADER THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE?
Secret Russian files recently uncovered by the U.S. government reveal Ralph Nader is destined to sweep the 2004 election and turn America into a Socialist paradise!
"It's true," says a former Soviet KGB officer. "We had secret agents brainwash him while he was a student at Princeton during the height of the Cold War."
According to the Russian, much as in the classic movie The Manchurian Candidate, Nader has been a ticking time-bomb for more than 50 years. He was set to detonate when gasoline prices hit $2 a gallon.
"At first, we thought it would happen during the gasoline shortage in the 1970s, and then again during the Gulf War in the 1990s," says the agent. "It never happened, so we just forgot about poor Ralph.
"It's too late to turn back now, though Nader will crush the America you know and you will all have a taste of Socialism." Sources close to Nader dismiss the whole brainwashing scenario, but concede that the presidential hopeful has been making bold statements about his plans to end the current gas crisis.
"He's been talking about prohibiting driving at speeds over 25 mph and jailing owners of Hummers and SUVs," says an unnamed source in Nader's camp. "He also wants to make driving illegal on Sundays and holidays, period.
"Come to think of it, he's always had strong opinions, but these radical proposals do seem to be a more recent development."
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