Today's Top Ten list

Enforcer · September-1st-2004, 01:45 PM

Top Ten ways I've been disappointed today:

10. Scratching sound that woke me up turned out to have nothing to do with Jazzzoline pawing at my bedsheets in a cat suit.
9. The letters F and E still haven't exchanged places in the English language, meaning my car was out of gas rather than topped off.
8. Non-stop media coverage of the Presidential election didn't stop after I woke up, so it wasn't a night terror after all.
7. Local sports page made no mention of retroactively erasing the ninth inning of all MLB games played yesterday and awarding wins and losses based on scores after eight innings.
6. Looked in the mirror, I'm still not Brad Pitt.
5. Payroll department confirms that, no, there was no missing zero at the end of the dollar amount on my last paycheck.
4. "Trying really hard" seems to have no impact on attempts to levitate objects with my mind.
3. Cute college girl at Starbucks this morning commented, "I like a shot of cream in mine," and was talking about coffee.
2. Countless hours of practicing to sing exactly like those creatures in the Quiznos commercials later, I still can't get the "They got a pepper BARRR" part right.
1. No email from Moné saying, "My work here is done, Larry. I've renamed the board Red Wings Corner and granted you full Administrator access rights. Enjoy."

Jazzzoline · September-1st-2004, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larry Nagel

Top Ten ways I've been disappointed today:

10. Scratching sound that woke me up turned out to have nothing to do with Jazzzoline pawing at my bedsheets in a cat suit.
9. The letters F and E still haven't exchanged places in the English language, meaning my car was out of gas rather than topped off.
8. Non-stop media coverage of the Presidential election didn't stop after I woke up, so it wasn't a night terror after all.
7. Local sports page made no mention of retroactively erasing the ninth inning of all MLB games played yesterday and awarding wins and losses based on scores after eight innings.
6. Looked in the mirror, I'm still not Brad Pitt.
5. Payroll department confirms that, no, there was no missing zero at the end of the dollar amount on my last paycheck.
4. "Trying really hard" seems to have no impact on attempts to levitate objects with my mind.
3. Cute college girl at Starbucks this morning commented, "I like a shot of cream in mine," and was talking about coffee.
2. Countless hours of practicing to sing exactly like those creatures in the Quiznos commercials later, I still can't get the "They got a pepper BARRR" part right.
1. No email from Moné saying, "My work here is done, Larry. I've renamed the board Red Wings Corner and granted you full Administrator access rights. Enjoy."

For the number 4, try Viagra.
Don't give up, the day isn't over yet!
Meowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Enforcer · September-1st-2004, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jazzzoline

For the number 4, try Viagra
Meowwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Touché!!

Impressed by the sharp wit of his worthy adversary,
Larry

tippy · September-1st-2004, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larry Nagel

Top Ten ways I've been disappointed today:

4. "Trying really hard" seems to have no impact on attempts to levitate objects with my mind.

Glad to discover I'm not the only one that does this in her spare time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larry Nagel

3. Cute college girl at Starbucks this morning commented, "I like a shot of cream in mine," and was talking about coffee.

You're so naive sometimes. That's college girl code for "meet me in the janitor's closet in 5 minutes."

Enforcer · September-1st-2004, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tippy

You're so naive sometimes. That's college girl code for "meet me in the janitor's closet in 5 minutes."

tippy, is this your way of telling me that it was you? What are you doing in Michigan, anyway?

Pretty sure the thumb state isn't "candyland,"
Larry

Dr Dave · September-1st-2004, 07:33 PM

I've been seriously disappointed today. Seriously. I don't know whether it will add up to ten or not...

10. The sum of all wine orders from my territory over the last seven days: 15 bottles. Not cases, bottles.

9. The general contractor on our house had to ask me whether I thought we ought to fire the painter. His job is to tell me he's fired the painter.

8. The mattress we bought in Boston has turned out to be defective. Now, hours on the phone with Sealy trying to have it replaced.

7. The best meal I have had at a restaurant in North Carolina I had in a strip mall outside Charlotte.

6. I am going to have to deliver three 375 ml bottles of R.M. Buller Calliope Muscat to Erick's Cheese and Wine in Banner Elk, North Carolina. A four-hour round trip to sell $99 worth of wine.

5. I found out today that the person who had my job before I did was a Total Babe.

4. I found out yesterday that the person who is going to take over my job is a Total Babe.

3. I woke up this morning to the sound of one of my cats puking on the bedroom carpet.

2. My wife, who is white, was walking down a street in my newly adopted hometown of Asheville, North Carolina, with her little sister, who is black (Lucy is active in Big Sisters), when some asshole called out "Halfbreed."

1. My father in law, a vigorous 83, has been laid low by an abcess on his gall bladder. Please, please, let him not die just yet. Please, please, let my mother-in-law understand that he's talking out of his head because of all the morphine he's been given. Please, please let him take a shit tonight because the damned morphine has plugged him up...

walto · September-1st-2004, 10:31 PM

Hope things get better quick, Doc.

BTW, what the hell is a defective mattress? Have some mice living in it or something?

tippy · September-2nd-2004, 12:35 AM

I was wondering the same thing, Walt. Dave, I was particularly struck by #6 and I'm very sorry about your father in law and hope he gets well. Also, did you say you are losing your job?!?

Dr Dave · September-2nd-2004, 08:10 AM

A defective mattress isn't flat; it looks kinda like tectonic plates have been moving underneath it, creating a ridge in the middle. Occupants of the bed feel like they're about to be rolled off to either side. It's actually pretty funny. Well, it would be funny if the damned thing wasn't so expensive.

I'm not losing my job; I quit. See the Wine Thread for more. It's not a big deal.

Lucy just called from Albany, and it sounds like ol' Theodore is rallying. With a bit of luck, he'll get out of the hospital this weekend, so he can bitch and moan in the comfort of his own bedroom. This is a guy who swam a couple miles a week until well into his '70s; he's had a tough year, but he's a tough man.

Racist assholes are eternal; you do your best to protect children from them, and when you can't, all you can do is explain to them that some people are ignorant and fearful, and this is the way they express their emotions, and it doesn't have anything to do with the child personally.

Enforcer · September-2nd-2004, 09:10 AM

Doc,

My best wishes for your father-in-law's speedy recovery.

Jazzzoline · September-2nd-2004, 11:03 AM

1- "Is it Halloween yet?" Obviously I didn't want to wake up, but the voice of my son got my brain to analyse his question toward the vacuum trap of the sweetest of dreams. I opened an eye, and saw that inquiring little face looking at me. I got up and moved toward the bathroom when the mirror sent the image of myself wearing a catsuit...

2- At work, I open my mail and the one from my boss isn't telling I have to go to a meeting in Toronto, so I could manage to go to Detroit Jazz Festival during the week end (without hubby and son), but instead, it tells me SHE goes to Toronto and asks me what questions she should ask...

Dr Dave · September-2nd-2004, 11:10 AM

You went to sleep wearing a catsuit? Your personal life must be beyond even Larry's fevered imaginings.

clinthopson · September-2nd-2004, 12:14 PM

Man, yesterday I spent eight hours in a seminar on section 401(a)(4) of the IRC.

I coulda been making lists instead of wasting my time like that.

Enforcer · September-2nd-2004, 03:33 PM

Top Ten ways to f**k with Jazz Corner people:

10. Make fake New York Times website and email Chris A link to "Bush opens up seemingly insurmountable lead over Kerry in polls" headline.
9. Send dozens of enthusiastic CD orders and endorsements to Erstwhile Records under the pseudonym Kevin Millar.
8. Start a thread about Joe Maneri and tell Steve Reynolds about how you read Maneri say, "Where's the melody in my music? How are you supposed to dance to it? I think it's time I started writing some hooks."
7. Paste fake data showing a major league baseball player who has batted over 100 points above his average in clutch situations spanning 14 seasons, then wait to see how long it takes Brian O. and Gordon to figure it out.
6. Ask Moné, "Who are you going to root for with the Mighty Ducks being sold to Winnipeg?"
5. Brag that you've put everyone on your ignore list, then post to threads and taunt, "I can't HEAR YOU! HAHAHAHA!"
4. Make strong, logical arguments and conclude them all with, "Plus, I just feel like it's what God wants."
3. PM Jazzy Mary and tell her, "I wanted you to know that I've complained to Lois that your avatar is extremely offensive to me and in very poor taste and I think you should consider either removing it or spending your time on another message board somewhere else."
2. Start a thread titled, "White Sox to move to Wrigley Field, share stadium with Cubs."
1. End a lengthy, passionate diatribe about all the evils of war with the comment, "Although I'd like to drop a few more bombs on f**king Iraq."