Captain Teeth writes...

[Deke]

So one day G2, a supplement to the Guardian newspaper, has what I assumed to be a satirical article, offering to put any readers who are interested in touch with floating voters in Clark County, from whence they could possibly influence the outcome of the US election. Maybe it wasn't satire after all, because over 11,000 readers wrote up asking for addresses.

Naturally, this being the age of the internet, America found out about this within minutes, and being similarly unable to detect humour, the wrath of America decended upon The Guardian offices. They've printed a selection of the emails they've received. Again, just one lone perceptive citizen perceived satire's gentle touch, but, here's the odd bit, one out of every eleven mentions teeth.

For instance: "Perhaps there is something wrong with you. Perhaps it's your teeth."

Or: "I HAVE BEEN TO YOUR COUNTRY, THE COUNTRY OF MY ANCESTORS, AND I KNOW WHY THEY LEFT. MAY YOU HAVE A TOOTH CAPPED."

Then there's: "Have you noticed that Americans don't give two shits what Europeans think of us? Each email someone gets from some arrogant Brit telling us to NOT vote for George Bush is going to backfire, you stupid, yellow-toothed pansies...I don't give a rat's ass if our election is going to have an effect on your wothless little life. I really don't. If you want to have a meaningful election in your crappy little island full of shitty food and yellow teeth, then maybe you should not try to sell your sovereignty out to Brussels and Berlin, dipshit. Oh yeah - and brush your goddamned teeth, you filthy animals."

What is this weird obsession you people have with our teeth? Please tell me you're not jealous of out National Health dentistry, 'cause I can assure you that since Thatcher got her claws into it it really hasn't been up to much. Aaaah... Is that it? You've noticed the decline in dental standards over here?

Now that I can understand.