Death of a loved one

[chuckyd4]

So how do you all deal with the death of a loved one? Any thoughts/stories to share? Any important revelations?

I respect so many of you here (however informally I know you), I thought I'd throw it out there.

[walto]

Cry a lot. Examine as many of your feelings as you can and try to express them all somehow.

[chuckyd4]

1) Done.

2) Louis Moholo's "Tern" is proving a good starting place for background music to yell those feelings at the top of my lungs.

Thanks.

[Ennis Snavely]

I lost my dad 5 years ago. It was a VERY rough patch in my life and I'm still living with the stuff it brought out. The answer is: the best you can. I tried to be as much help to others (like my Mom) as I could throughout the whole ordeal. However, I don't think I attended to myself as well as I could have.

All I can say is find some unselfish, positive outlets for your grief. That was (is) actually a lot more difficult than it sounds, at least for me.

[Ron Thorne]

It's been my observation that everyone experiences the loss of a loved one a little bit differently. Responses can also be altered depending upon the manner in which they're lost, of course.

My own inclination is to "let it all hang out" and not feel guilty or overly self-conscious about some very primal urges and needs. I cry a lot, yell, display anger over my loss, etc. I'll try to share a painful loss on this thread soon.

Talking about a lost loved one also helps, especially reminiscing about how they impacted your life. Sometimes, writing down some specific memories in a journal may be helpful.

It's never easy, and nearly always a complex, painful, but necessary process.

Best of luck in your journey toward healing.

~Ron

[Captain Hate]

My dad died in '81 and my mom ten years after that so I've been an orphan for a long time. My situation was that I was in Ohio and they were back in Maryland so when I found out it puts you in the rapid response mode and things become like a blur. When my Dad died my kids were both pretty young so you wonder how they're gonna deal with it in terms of acting right during painful times; they came through like champs. My father's death was extremely sudden whereas my mother had been in horrible health for a long time (smoking for sure). Even though my mother's death was not a total surprise it hits you like a ton of bricks anyway. One sucky thing was that I found out about both of them while I was at work; with my Dad my wife called me and I could tell by her voice that something terrible had happened. When she told me it was my Dad I actually felt somewhat relieved that it wasn't one of my children. I felt really guilty about that for a long time but I guess it's how one's priorities get restacked when you have children.

My dad served on the advisory board of the local Catholic school; we weren't Catholic but he was a local businessman who volunteered to do it. Shortly after he died they sent me a copy of their yearbook in which they wrote an incredibly touching memorial to him. I pull it out every now and then when I think about him.

[crawjo]

I don't have any advice to give, having thus far never experienced the death of someone close to me, but I just wanted to say that you will be in my thoughts.

[Richardo Caerleoni]

Chuck - Whatever anyone says, it is never easy, and even when you think you are "over it" ...it can come back and kick you hard (out of nowhere) even 30 years on...

I lost my first wife when she and I were 19 (car crash)...my father 10 years ago (stroke) and my mother three years ago (heart attack)...also a hell of lot of friends along the way...

What I found "works" -at least for me - is the recognition that death is final...it is the absolute. Whatever you do, say or scream...there is nothing you or anyone can do to change it. It's not like a broken arm. At least this helped me to think rationally about it.

The other thing is - and I heard Branford say this re. Kenny Kirkland... an older musician had said it to him when he was totally broken up ..."The longer you live, the more you are going to know people who are close to you and they will die...it's part of life...it is life". And remember, this is your personal remembrance of the person close to you. Remember in your own way. Don’t ever let anyone else try to set a “correct” agenda. There isn’t one.



The worse thing at this point is people spouting platitudes about "someone going to a better place"...I've prob. spouted platitudes to you...but the recognition of death as something common to us all and inescapable does maybe help. Trying to take the best influences and values of those "passed" and living by them always helps. That way they perhaps "live on" in some sort of way. The most any of us can hope for.

Ps. When my first wife died I listened to Bird and Coltrane for hours upon hours on end...this was 1966...they really got me through it...I'm still listening to them...in 2004.

Best. RC.

[Gary Sisco]

Hi, man. Sorry to hear that you've lost someone close. It's a terrible, hard thing, I know. I lost my father last November and am still dealing with it very much and probably will for a long time still. To tell the truth, it's had a much larger effect on me than I'd ever thought it would (I knew he was dying for a year before he did, or before the doctors would say so), but it still hit me a lot harder than I expected, and still does.

Ennis' comments above reflect my thoughts about it, fairly close, and also Richardo's, in a different way. I've told my partner that in my obit, I don't want any of that kind of language. Mine is to read that I "met the fate that awaits us all."

I've also lost many good friends through the years. More, I think, than most people my age (50) would normally, if there is a normal in this question. Getting older means losing many of those close to you along the way, and then one day, the people who feel close to you, lose you. That is the way of life.

Since my father died, I've lost three old and good buddies that I'm very sorry I'll never get to hang with or talk to again, and two dog friends who were, for me, every bit as close as the people friends.

It doesn't get easier to deal with as time goes on, I'm afraid to say. We don't get used to losing people, no matter how many we lose.

But they live in our memory, for as long as our memory lives. There is some comfort in that, and the closest to immortality we come, any of us.

[chuckyd4]

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I should have explained a little more in my initial post. Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my grandmother's death - she was the one who raised me throughout my earliest years - and I got into the red wine.

But Gary's first paragraph echos a lot of what I felt and still feel - that no matter how well you could or should have seen that disappearance, it still feels shocking. She had been sick with various complications for months; each time they treated her for one and said she was finally "on the road to recovery", something else cropped up. A week before she died was the last time I talked to her - she was back at home (after an extended hospital stay), it was her birthday, and all the news was about what was next after her recovery. I even flew home in a rush the next week to arrive to say goodbyes, and she was gone *while* I was in the air. Crazy.

And I agree with the sentiment that the most important thing is to realize that it's final - often in the past couple of years thinking about how next time I see her I want to do this or that with my grandmother, and then that weird, dropping out feeling that hits you when you remember.

Thanks.

[hornplayer]

Chucky, don't know how into meditation you are, but one thing I've noticed over the years is that tho quite a number of very special people in my life have passed from this earth, they seem to be "there" for me when I'm missing them the most, or when I'm needing their particular brand of guidance.

One thing about death, is that no one's come back to tell us what it's like "over there." It seems to me that it's just another phase of life, on another plane. Don't know if that's much consolation, but you are in my thoughts....

[Richardo Caerleoni]

Chuck - The death of your Grandmother was exactly like my mother's. She was going to be "fine", going to make it...I was with her and joking with her in the hospital the night before until 11.00pm (her birthday would have been the following day)...and then I got a phone call at 4.00am the following morning...She was dead...Sounds like a blues song.

Son House's "Death Letter"...

Don't beat yourself up. You did all you could. You cared.

Peace. RC.

[graypencil]

Chucky:

I lost my beloved wife Kathy exactly three years and six days ago after a seven year fight with Breast Cancer ..

all I can offer is that things will get easier as time passes ..and in whatever your own way may be, they'll always be there with you ...

[frankenmeister7]

it will be ten years this christmas that i lost my dad. it still hurts but u do get over it.

like so many posters have said, there is no one way to grieve. u just do the best u can at a very trying time. i heard that there are five steps in the recovery of a loved one, and acceptance is the last.

what i can't find that is more confusing is someone taking their lives. suicide is not the way. u have to be very low to have that in your life.

ex - my brothers best friend in seattle jumped off a bridge and now the pressure and bewilderment that it leaves the family is by far the worst suffering that anyone can feel. this young man left a very beautiful wife and three kids.

since my brother-in-laws death at the worlds trade center, my sister has often tried to take her life. she would be leaving 4 children and look what kind of future they will have without any parent and the everylasting lost and abandonment.


death by age or sickness can be accepted because its the nature of Gods plan.

your are dying the day that u are born.

yet when someone takes their life, its a very selfish act for the people they leave behind and words can't be said to make up what that person has done to them.

just some observations.

[walto]

We can't go on. We must go on. We go on.

[Dr Dave]

I wish you strength and wisdom in dealing with the loss of the person who raised you. She did a good job, obviously.

[Jimmy Cantiello]

Interesting, just got back from my favorite aunt's wake (84 years old) and this is the first thread that I opened.

Aunt Annette was my Godmother. She was my father's oldest sister. At one point she lived with us. One of my fondest memories of her was when she and my father would argue about how to cook spaghetti sauce the "proper" way. They disagreed about the ingredients as well the timing. Hell, they disagreed about everything. They were both great cooks. She was wonderfully irascible and quite a character as was my father. Her nickname for me was "King Shit". She said I was obnoxious and "I don't know how I got stuck with such a miserable Godson". I always told her it takes one to know one. I loved her my whole life. Everytime I saw her she always gave me a big kiss and a hug but only after scolding me for being so miserable, "just like your father!".

One of my sisters wrote a memorial that was framed and displayed at the funeral home. It was a loving tribute from one of her nieces. It was entitled "Hard As Lightning, Soft As Candlelight". It made me cry. I'm gonna miss her.......................

[Gary Sisco]

Chucky -- I have that same experience you describe. It happens quite often that I'll see or think something and tell myself to call the old man because he'd get a kick out of hearing about it. And then, the feeling you describe, the sinking feeling that reminds me I can't call the old man again, not today, not ever. But, you see, your grandmother lives still in your memory, that much, that you can forget for the moment that you've lost her -- but you haven't, in memory. You still have her, man.

Incidentally, my grandmother (paternal) raised me in my early years as well, until I started school. My parents both worked full or more time, and almost always on swing shifts (meaning either one could be working first, second or third shifts, from week to week, with no set routine). She died six years ago, on into her 90s, and then my grandfather a few months later. They'd been together nearly 70 years.

[Gentle Giant]

I recommend two things:

1. Time. This one's hard, but you can't expect to feel better in any specific time frame. Just know that there's a tomorrow and reach it, one day at a time.

2. In the Midst of Winter. This is a collection of poems, stories, excerpts from novels and memoirs, and other writings about mourning. It can be very comforting and inspiring.

I wish you the comfort of good memories.

[tippy]

chuckyd4, wish I had some helpful advice for you, which I really don't, but I wish you well as you find your way through this.

[Al in NYC]

I don't have any advice here either, except to echo what most others here have said, and to reiterate what Phil said that time does healing work. At some time in the future, which may be hard to see now, you will remember with less pain and more fondness.

But the main thing this thread did is remind me to call my dad.

It's even harder when you get to be his age and all of your friends and relatives (his younger brother died this summer) are suddenly gone or heading that way. My mom called me the other day and said about one of her friends "the only time I see her anymore is at funerals, but there have been a lot of those lately." In some ways we younger folks do have it easy.

[Canuck Don]

This was given to me in the mid 1960's when I was an ambulance attendent and dealing with life and death on a continuous basis.In the morning I hold a baby in my hands that I just delivered in the back of the ambulance and maye 7 hrs. latter I am holding a 2 or 3 year old dead in my arms at an accident scene.I was going through emotional changes at the time trying to understand the meaning of life and death.The below writing may wander a bit off of the main question asked in the tread but it's worth a looksee if you have some time to read it.

.The greatest mystery in life is not life itself, but death.
Death is the culmination and "blossoming" of life, it is the "ultimate" mystery of life. In death, the whole of one's life is summed up; in death you complete life's journey. Life is simply a pilgrimage and journey towards death. From the very moment of your birth, the process" of dying starts; already you are moving towards death. And the greatest calamity that has happened to human intelligence is that we are in denial about death. Being in denial about the reality of death means you will miss life's greatest mystery. You will miss the whole point of having lived. You will miss the "true" meaning and purpose of life itself, because life and death are deeply involved with each other; they are not two separate phenomena. The journey and the goal are not separate--the journey has meaning only in relationship to the goal.


Death has to be understood as the "crescendo" of life.
Only then does a new vision of the meaning and purpose of one's life arises. Then you are no longer in denial about death, no longer afraid of dying. Your understanding of death liberates you from all of your fears and anxiety. Once death has been fully understood, deeply contemplated and meditated on, nothing can frustrate you. The whole problem of personal misery and suffering is rooted in our fear and denial of death. Because we do not accept the inevitability of our death and dying, there are a thousand and one problems that go on nagging and disturbing our peace of mind.

Anything which reminds us of the facts about death and dying has to somehow be avoided and escaped. Those things frighten and deeply disturb us. However, all of those things are just reminders of death. The real thing will be far more terrifying for such an "unprepared" mind. And remember, death cannot be avoided by anyone. Death is going to happen to everyone--whether you are afraid or not is irrelevant. Death comes and always comes unsuspectingly. Ready or not, it comes. And death comes in many ways. When you die, that is only one form of death. When your mother or father dies, when your son, husband or anyone close to you dies, that is also like a death to you. They have been an intricate part of your being, and when he or she dies, a part of you also dies. You will be losing a part of your own "self' and you will never be the same. So it is not only in your death that death comes; whenever anyone you love dies, death knocks at your door, too! And unless you are prepared, you will be simply overwhelmed and deeply depressed.
This is my message to you: Start learning how to prepare yourself for your death and the death of your loved ones. Learn how to not be afraid and overwhelmed. Try to understand that your "existence" renews itself through the process of death. Just as after each day you need deep sleep in the night to rejuvenate and renew yourself, to make yourself fresh and robust again, in the same way after each life you need a new body, a new mind, a new manifestation of being. Death is as meaningful as life. They are both different aspects of the same "divine" process of eternal existence. Death is as divine as life. They complement and balance each other, and the whole "mystery" of existence continues because of them. Understanding this, is to become "enlightened."

[Enforcer]

chucky,

Every good thing to say has already been said by people smarter and more eloquent than me.

What I can tell you is that I recently lost my grandmother. I grew up very close to my grandparents. While my mom did social work in Detroit, my father was going to medical school. Since both my parents were gone during the day, I spent my pre-school years with my grandparents. I would sit on my grandmother's lap and read. I used to like to read as a young boy, I just had a voracious appetite for learning. Years later, I became a dumbf**k, but for a few sacred years, I was an incredibly bright little kid. I was reading by age 3, thanks to my grandmother. She was a ridiculously loving and nurturing person, and my experiences with her through my entire life are as important to me as anything I've got.

When I lost her, it was very hard. She was sick for some time. It wasn't unexpected. But yes, it completely f**ked me up. Losses don't get any easier. The best thing I know how to do is completely embrace all the feelings for intervals at a time. That's the only way I know how to deal with it. Feel all the hurt and sadness and anger, and then give it a rest. It's like breathing in and out. You have to deal with it, but you also have to get over it, and you will, eventually.

The one lesson I have learned is this: Love the f**k out of everyone you care about and tell them you love them regularly. Because when they're gone, at least you'll know that you weren't saving it for some day that never came.

Also, hang out with college girls. They really can cheer you up at times.

[Ron Thorne]

This is a difficult but wonderful, lovely thread! The remembrances here are extraordinary.

I've been trying to build my courage to share one of my greatest losses, my mother at a very young age, but those memories have been subdued by a much more recent one.

chuckyd4, I hope that you won't mind if I direct folks to another thread for a moment. The subject is the same, in a different JC forum.

Thank you.

[chuckyd4]

This is becoming such a beautiful thread - thank you all. And thank you Ron for your heartfelt tribute in the other thread you link to. I hope everyone goes over there to pay respects to a valuable member of the board and what sounds like an incredible human being. Ill chime in when I get some time later today, even if I didn't know him as well as some others.