A grown man really talks like this

[Enforcer]

I was eating lunch at a local greasy spoon today (everything happens to me when I'm at restaurants) and I overheard some of the greatest dialogue I can remember. This guy was about mid-40s, big guy, talked with a Brooklyn accent. His dinner buddy was smaller in stature and less talkative. Here are some samples of their conversation, as best I can remember them.

Big guy: "Look at dis plate a' spaghetti, man. You ever seen anything dis big? I ain't seen a plate nothin' this big since da last time I got dressed dis mornin' and seen my fookin' balls!"
Other guy (laughing): "Food's good here. Real good. Hey, did you see the President talk yesterday?"
Big guy: "Yeah, I seen that. I don't know how them fellas can get up there and talk like that. I never was no good at talkin' in front a' people. I remember in school, I failed them classes. Wit da publc speaking. You wanna know how come I failed dat?"
Other guy: "Why's that?"
Big guy: "Cuz when I went up to talk at da podium, I couldn't fit my fookin' balls up there!"
Other guy (laughing... yes, he was really laughing): "Hahahaha. That sh** is funny, man."

At this point, some younger guys, maybe college aged, are laughing at the adjacent table. Like me, they can't believe what they're hearing. One of the guys says to the big guy, "You guys are killin' me!" They both started to look really serious, and the big guy delievered this response, almost with a tone of resignation.

Big guy: "We have a good time. I got big fookin' balls. What am I supposed ta do, ya know?"
Other guy (nodding his head): "Yeah."

[jazzy mary]

You're making that up, Larry. I know, Claude's thread inspired you!

[Douglas]

And is Big guy a member of your gym?

[jesus marion joseph]

Hey, Douglas, is that a picture of you picking a dog's nose in your avatar?

[HenryMc]

I was in LA and met this really good bloke and he was the first real New Yawk Eye talian I had met and I swear he was like an actor from the Sopranos. I couldn't work out whether he was putting me on, whether he was influenced ny Mean Streets or whether Mean Streets just reflected him and his ilk.

Everything was Fookin' -- fookin' A ..".I mean I was fookin'standin'there with me fookin'balls hangin art"

So yeah I could see the conversation.

Man, I miss old time America where everybody said "fuckin".

[Monte Smith]

That shit is fookin' hilarious. I love people.

[Jazzooo]

In my own defense, I didnb't know you were listening...and my balls ARE fookin' huge.

[Chris D]

Snorted Diet Coke out the nose on this one. Thanks a fookin' lot!

[graypencil]

time to cue the "Troggs tape"


"aw fook ..listen mate, don't play alla fancy fookin' shit ..just play the fookin' BEWM BEWM BEWM onna fookin' bass drum ..you fookin' wit' dat ?"

" IAM playing the fookin' BEWM BEWM onna ba ..

" FOOK all y'are ..yer playing all that udder fookin' fancy shit an' it's fookin up th .."

" Fookin' FOOK I am ..here YOU fookin' play the f ..

" Ahh fookitall ..I'm gone " ...

[Douglas]

Originally Posted by jesus marion joseph

Hey, Douglas, is that a picture of you picking a dog's nose in your avatar?

I was in a bar watching a dog licking its big fookin balls. After a while I said to the barman "I wish I could do that."
He replied "If you pick that big fookin booga out of its smout, he might let you."

[Dr Dave]

My friends from Bay Ridge do not say "fookin." It comes out more like "fock" as in "Waddafock?" Or in using the gerund, it would be "Julie, man. Julie's a fockin'naaanimul."

[Enforcer]

So last night, I run up to the Wendy's on the corner to get a chicken sandwich. I never go in this place, but I sometimes use the drive thru. The line at the drive thru was long and I couldn't see many people waiting in line inside the lobby, so I decided to just walk in.

What a strange scene. A girl named Carol was the centerpiece of the weirdness. She's being asked to do things but can't seem to follow any of the instructions. It starts when the woman at the drive thru window is asking her for something. She needs a shaker filled with seasonings of some kind. She asks Carol to get the shaker for her, but Carol has huge problems figuring out what to do.

Drive thru woman: "Carol, I need that shaker, right there, yeah. Can you get that for me, please?"
Carol: (silent, staring at the shaker)
Drive thru woman: "Carol, can you get that for me, please? I need it for this order, the man is waiting."
Carol: (picks up the shaker, starts to walk towards the grill)
Drive thru woman: "No, here, Carol, I need it right here."
Carol: (stares at a hamburger cooking on the grill)
Drive thru woman: (walks over and takes the shaker herself)

It wasn't over with the adventures of Carol. Next up, the one guy in line in front of me ordered chicken nuggets. He asks Carol if she can get him some.

Neil: "Carol, I need some nuggets, six of them, please."
Carol: (stares at the deep frier)
Neil: "Carol, the nuggets, please."
Carol: (turns around to face Neil, turns back towards deep frier, stares some more)
Neil: (looks to see there are no nuggets in the basket) "Carole, we're out of nuggets, so can you please drop some nuggets for me?"
Carol: (picks up basket, looks at it, puts it back in without putting any nuggets in)
Neil: "Carole, can... never mind." (puts the nuggets in himself)

So now it's my turn. I order my chicken sandwich.

Woman at the grill: "Is this a burger or chicken?"
Neil: "Chicken." Then, whispering to me, "Hence, the CK on the screen..." (as if to say, duh)
Woman at the grill: "Chicken grill up. Carol, here you go."
Carol: (stares at the sandwich)
Woman at the grill: "Carol, grill up."
Carol: (takes the sandwich and walks towards the drive thru window)
Neil: (without saying a word, rushes to take the sandwich from Carol's hand, puts it in a bag and hands it to me) "Thank you, sir, have a nice day."

[A. Kingstone]

The Wendy's staff seems very patient with Carol.
This story makes me feel a little sad.

[Chris D]

Sounds like Carol might have been pretty baked.

[moneyp]

Originally Posted by A. Kingstone

The Wendy's staff seems very patient with Carol.
This story makes me feel a little sad.

Me too. Thanks a fookin' lot, Larry.

[Cem]

Originally Posted by Chris D

Sounds like Carol might have been pretty baked.

I've been in Carol's position in high school math class during my first year in Canada. I had to (actually I threw up my hands voluntarily!!?) solve a problem high as a kite in front of the class. Fortunately, they all knew & were very supportive in a snickering kinda way. The teach, otoh,assumed I was a tad slow and focused on the positive, that I may've created a mess on the board, but helped others learn, etc. "They'll stone you when you're trying to be so good".

[steve(thelil)]

Originally Posted by Monte Smith

That shit is fookin' hilarious. I love people.

It is and you don't.