When your friend's Dad was wrong

[Enforcer]

My buddy has a great story I can't really do justice, but I'll try my best.

My buddy was riding in the backseat with his high school friend. The friend's father was driving the two to a movie theater. It's important to picture the father. He has pale skin, is bald and has a big gut. He wears a tight fitting, white t-shirt, denim shorts, brown dress socks and loafers. He smokes a pipe. He looks like this pretty much all the time, including the pipe, even when he's mowing the lawn. The father is not a smart guy, either.

So my buddy and his friend are having a conversation in the back seat when the topic of where our state of Michigan lies in the overall geography of the United States comes up. The friend tells my buddy that Michigan is in the "mideast" of the United States. My buddy, who is extremely tactful, goes on to correct him, "Actually, it's the midwest." The friend is not buying it. "No, the midwest would be somewhere west of Michigan. We're in the mideast." My buddy tries again, "I know it doesn't really make sense, but Michigan is considered part of the midwest region. It seems wrong, but that's how everyone recognizes it."

The friend won't budge. He's sure my buddy is wrong. So how to settle it? Ask Dad. My buddy is happy about this and figures he will finally set his friend right about the whole thing.

"Dad?"

(glancing at his son's reflection in the rearview mirror and talking out of the corner of his mouth that the pipe isn't in, exerting as little effort as possible to speak) "Yeah."

"Is Michigan in the midwest, or the mideast?"

(again, with the pipe still in his mouth) "Mideast."

"See! I told you!"

[Chris D]

Well, I, for one, still miss the NCAA hoops Mideast Regional.

[Enforcer]

Hey, I never said the story was any good.

Jesus, I'm hungry. Someone feed me.

Edit: I did say it was a great story at the beginning, didn't I? I lied.

[larrycohen]

Tell your friend to be careful. I think Bush is going to send a couple of divisions to bring democracy to Michigan.

[Jazzzoline]

This is cute...
and sad..
and it made me laugh...

Now tell me.. Is Détroit in the Middle East too?

[Enforcer]

Originally Posted by Jazzzoline

Is Détroit in the Middle East too?

I don't know anymore. Brian's purple map f**ked up my geographical point of reference permanently. If Detroit is in the Middle East, I guess we'll be getting bombed soon enough. No problem, we have plenty of artillery here to fight back.

[HenryMc]

For the record I got 'bombed 'in Detroit. It was at this restaurant in Greek Town ...you know a few beers, some retsina a few more cocktails ...and awaaaaaaay we go

[Enforcer]

Henry,

There's a restaurant/bar in Greektown called Pegasus. It's a fine floor to have to pick yourself off of. They filmed some of the Donald Sutherland move, The Rosary Murders, in that bar.

Opa, motherf**kers.

Larry

[A. Kingstone]

Is this the result of Satans influence?

[HenryMc]

Larry

Have they regenerated downtown yet? Last time I was there half the buildings were being 'renovated'?

I cant recall the name of the restaurant ..it was about a block from the Catholic Church and across the road from this really popular patisserie.

[Enforcer]

Originally Posted by HenryMc

Larry

Have they regenerated downtown yet? Last time I was there half the buildings were being 'renovated'?

I cant recall the name of the restaurant ..it was about a block from the Catholic Church and across the road from this really popular patisserie.

Could be any one of a number down there. The pastry shop you're thinking of must be Astoria.

The renovations have come a long way, but the real deadline is the MLB All Star Game next summer and, even more importantly, the Super Bowl in 2006. Lots of stuff yet to be done.

[Monte Smith]

My buddy Matt's dad was wrong once. (For more on my buddy Matt, see Pumpy Anecdotes). Matt's dad was my French teacher in high school and he fucked up this one time on a trip to France when he was showing us around the vineyards of Moet & Chandon.

We're underground someplace in France, checking out cask after cask of fermented grapes as Mr. B explains to us a little bit about the bottling process before the real tour guide shows up to give us the actual tour. Mr. B sees we're getting a little bit bored, so he decides to pull out of his brain an exciting fact for us.

"Class! Class! You probably all have wondered before about the bottling of champagne. As you know, all wine has sediment in it and this sediment has to be removed in the bottling process. So how is this done when the product in question is a fizzy or sparkling wine? Anyone? Anyone? Monte?"

"Uh, I think French people do something with their assholes," I say under my breath.

"Excuse me? Please speak up."

"I think the French stick the mumble bottles up their mumble. You know, like it was the mumble vanguard of German mumble infantry."

"Uh...well, I am not sure I have caught your meaning, and so I will explain. In the late 19th century a brilliant Frenchman..."

Someone laughed.

"...a oenologist called Monsieur Mumble..."

I am sure this is the name Mr. B dropped.

"...invented an extraordinary machine: the mumbletine..."

Think I have that right, too.

"...which revolutionized the bottling of champagne. This machine simply withdrew the cork of a champagne bottle, allowing the liquid under pressure to expel the sediment, and then it inserted a new cork so quickly...

I remember the "so quickly" gesture that Mr. B made. It showed the action of the machine and also expressed the genius of French viniculture generally in a brief and elegant gesture of both hands, poking his extended forefinger of one hand through an O made of the forefinger and thumb of his other hand in a gesture that outside of wine circles, and inside as well, universally connotes fucking.

...so quickly that none of the valuable liquid itself was allowed to escape. Isn't that extraordinary?"

No.

"Think of the speed and the accuracy of the device...ah! Here is our tour guide, Monsieur Pierre. If you will direct your attention to him, please. Monsieur Pierre, I just left off at an explanation of the mumbletime, so you may take it from there."

"Eh? Ah em sorray bot an explanation of what eez zis?"

"The mumbletine." Mr. B made the gesture again. Pierre didn't altogether draw his meaning.

"The device which removes sediment from a champagne bottle by withdrawing and replacing the cork so quickly that...."

"No, we don't have enny such machine. We freeze zee bottles. You deeg out zee sediment weeth a tool."

Mr. B gave a knowing look, as though this is exactly what he had been saying. The "so quickly" gesture became a great favorite in the class, naturally.

[HenryMc]

The action of removing sediment of course quickly became known as getting reamed in Rhiems