How to pick hip CDs ...or so you wanna be cool huh?

[HenryMc]

Man

I have thought this forever from way back when I turned up at Dallas Nichols 13th Birthday and put a Doors record on the Stereo and copped the heat of the entire crowd for playing "that plastic LA shit". You see my sin was to take off "Bless its pointed little Head" for "the Soft Parade". (Now look I'll admit that the Soft parade is a lame Doors recud but did I deserve to be labelled un-grooovy ...no of course not...hey I was so hip that I was playing Bird and Trane and Miles but Man had I tried to play that Idda been lynched ......)

So I realised then and there here is an equation that the hip wannabies use. Its taken years to work fully out but its something like this:

There are several values to be identified at the start

x = the obscurity factor - 100 is the most obscure trending down to a 1 for the least obscure (an example would be a 75 for eugene chadbourne where a elliot smith might score a 33

y = the universality factor - again a 100 rating - on the universality rating Bands like the Stones, the 'Dead, the Beatles, the Clash etc would rate highly whereas the Bay City Rollers, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, NKOTB etc would rather lower.

z = the TB factor - this is a score where the more records the band has sold in the 10-16 female demographic the higher the rating (sounds odd but all will be revealed)

a = the magazine review factor (this is a variable but can be measured if approached scientifically - a good review in Rolling Stone or Mojo or Q = 10, a bad review = 5 any review in a daily newspaper equals 0 whilsy any review in Tiger Beat, 16, Smash Hits or suc h equals minus 10

b = the word of mouth factor ( recomnmended by a hip friend would score 20, whiles recommended by a family member (mum or dad) would score a minus 20.

c = the namecheck factor (Any band mentioned by a band scoring highly on the hip cognisenti meter is automatically awarded high points on the scale of a 100 whilst anyone named checked by a minus scoring artist of wannabe scores in the negative.

d = the potp factor ( the pisses off the parents) - this is a highly variable factor and one which care must be taken in allotting points. For instance the Dead Kennedies may have scored big on this in 1977 but equally Eminem would score highly (actually lowly) in 2000 and Pat Boone would score lowly in the equation during the 50's and 60's but a Dead Kennedy's Record might not piss off a 00's parent. The potp factor must be carefully construed. Between 1 and 3 - 1 being the least potp and 3 being the most potp

The equation goes like this



( x X y) X c - (b + a)) divided by d
z

In the case of U2 it would go something like this

z = 1
y = 90
z = 30
a = 10
b = -10
c = 50
and
d =
thus

(1 X 90) X 50 -(10 + -10)) divided by 1
30

giving a hipster score of 150 - man thats Bad. Compare this then to say a Band like the Streets with there CD "A grand dont come for free"

x = the obscurity factor 50
y = the universality factor 25
z = the TB factor 10
a = the magazine review factor 10
b = the word of mouth factor (as the CD was given to me by a hip friend I must give it a 20
c = the namecheck factor - lots of namechecks in the English press it gets a 50
d = the potp factor 0f 2


(50 X 25) X 50 -(20 + 10) divided by 2
10

= 1250

so we can see that comparing the Streets to say U2 would give the Streets a higher hip cred thus the purchaser of a Streets Album mut be much hipper than your normal U2 fan

Ah I hear you thats seems to work but Im unconvinced I really dont want to make a dreadful faux pas buy being seen buying the "wrong"CD. Well lets try another and different genre Alejandro Escovedo for example

In the case of his Gravity Album for example
x = the obscurity factor 75
y = the universality factor 10
z = the TB factor 0
a = the magazine review factor 10
b = the word of mouth factor (as the CD was given to me by a hip friend I must give it a 20
c = the namecheck factor - lots of namechecks and a tribute album 50
d = the potp factor 0f 1

(75 X 10) X 50 -(20 + 10) divided by 1
0
= 1500

Obviously a desirable work

Follow this simple formula and you'll never have to trust your taste again.

[steve(thelil)]

I suspect that the initial post was brilliant in a way I can't exactly process right now.

[kenny weir]

Originally Posted by HenryMc

a = the magazine review factor (this is a variable but can be measured if approached scientifically - a good review in Rolling Stone or Mojo or Q = 10, a bad review = 5 any review in a daily newspaper equals 0 whilsy any review in Tiger Beat, 16, Smash Hits or such equals minus 10

Hurumpf! As newspaper reviewer I must say I strongly resemble that remark!

[HenryMc]

OK so I was rambling thanks for the Tip

(What would really be hip is to exchange "approbation" (opposite meaning of what you want) for "opprobrium.") Yeah it wasn't me I changed it to "cop the heat" instead

[Richardo Caerleoni]

Henry…Skip that pseudo science!

In London in the early 60s, ALL you needed to be hip was:





RC.

[AntManBee]

Originally Posted by HenryMc

Now look I'll admit that the Soft parade is a lame Doors recud

I like "The Soft Parade". But I'm very unhip.

[Ron Thorne]

Damn, Henry!

[Sergio Zamora]

Originally Posted by HenryMc

a = the magazine review factor (this is a variable but can be measured if approached scientifically - a good review in Rolling Stone or Mojo or Q = 10, a bad review = 5 any review in a daily newspaper equals 0 whilsy any review in Tiger Beat, 16, Smash Hits or suc h equals minus 10

What kind of self-respecting hipster would even be caught dead with a (recent) Rolling Stone in the year 2005?

[HenryMc]

True

But what is hip?

Originally Posted by HenryMc

True

But what is hip?

Does it really matter?

Your equations are astounding, but so what?

I've never been hip, and don't plan on starting to be hip now.

Besides, isn't "hip" top 40 radio?

[Deke]

Originally Posted by HenryMc

But what is hip?

It's a track by the Tower of Power, but that's not important right now.


Do Frank Zappa.

[steve(thelil)]

.....wait for it.....

[steve(thelil)]

I've worked at becoming more hip as time goes on. Which shows how shallow I am, not to mention unburdened by many responsibilities. Which I consider lucky, which again shows how shallow I am. But I believe I can get away with admitting it, which I believe shows how hip I am. Which in turn only really emphasizes how shallow I am.

But enough about me. What do YOU think of my new dress?

[Dr Dave]

Let's see...

"B.B. King Live At The Regal" is permanently hip. On the other hand, "There Is Always One More Time" is not hip, and his various greatest hits collections, with the possible exceptions of the stuff on King, are lame beyond belief. And the one with Eric Clapton--forget it!

Buddy Guy "Stone Crazy" is ridiculously hip, in part because it first came out on the Isabel label, a French record company named after Buddy's mother, and also because while everybody's heard of it, not that many people have actually heard it. "Buddy Guy Blues Singer" on the other hand is unhip, because he's playing acoustic guitar, and because it was his record label's idea to try to cash in on the "Unplugged" series.

"James Cotton Blues Band" on Verve is so hip it's not even listed at the James Cotton website--they only have the "Verve Years" compilation disk. James Cotton's "Deep In The Blues" is unhip, because it won a Grammy (a sign of musical insincerity, in a genre where sincerity is all) and because Charlie Haden is on it. Charlie Haden? On a blues record? Get outta here!

Johnny Winter "Second Winter" is hip because when it first came out it was a "record and a half" which is to say one LP and then one side of another LP with the flipside blank. Plus, he was playing really, really crazy. The "Johnny Winter Story" on GRP was unhip when it came out, because it was all stuff Johnny had recorded very early in his career, and they were just trying to make a buck off him without paying him anything. There was one called "First Winter," I forget the label, that was the same kind of thing. But now that stuff is out of print, and some of it sounds really cool--his version of "Gangster of Love" is way tuff--so now it's hip.

[Please excuse my failure to follow the formula. As you can see, I think hipness must be determined on a case-by-case basis. Please also note the bedrock of self-confidence which lies behind these pronouncements, which is an important aspect of the whole exercise. Part of hipness is appearing not to doubt yourself in aesthetic matters.]